Ugh, I'm hating myself again....

[Guest guest]

I realize this process takes time. I was feeling so good last week. In 12 step

program, this would be called - relapse. But today I know that there is hope

for me and that I'm not powerless.

I/we humans were given the ability to instinctively know what my/our bodies need

and when they need it. If a bird can instinctively fly south and a bear can

instinctively hibernate, we humans must have a greater instinctual ability that

we can tap into. This is why Intuitive Eating works. It's not because it's the

best diet program on the market! It's because it taps into what is real.

So what got in the way of me tapping into my instincts these last few days? I

feel awful. I guess years of thinking a certain way will do this to someone.

It is days like this when my dietician (who is teaching me to be an intuitive

eater) asks me questions that help remind me that there is another way of

thinking. Itsy bitsy tiny tidbits of progress happen and then I feel a little

better. I have a bad habit of being inpatient. I'm tired of waiting to be

thin. I'm tired of my knees hurting and not having any energy. I'm tired of my

sick dieting mind. I'm tired of others judging me. I'm tired of my clothes not

fitting right. No wonder the thought of a new diet brought a false hope so many

times when I was feeling this way.

So now what to do????? I know there's no going back to the way I was. And I'm

sort of thankful for that. It helps just to write this. It helps knowing that

I have greater instincts than a bird that I can tap into. How do I tap into

this 'knowing?'

A counselor once described this dilemma to me as the " human plane " versus the

" spiritual plane " and used the metaphor of the cross. The human plane is the

horizontal plane we all live on in our human egoic ways of thinking. The

spiritual plane is the vertical 'rise' of the cross - a total change in self.

If I allow my ego to run my life, I remain on the human plane.

Eckhart Tolle: When we go into a forest that has not been interfered with by

man, our THINKING MIND will see only disorder and chaos all around us. It wont

even be able to differentiate between life (good) and death (bad) anymore since

everywhere new life grows out of rotting and decaying matter. Only if we are

still enough inside and the noise of thinking subsides can we become aware that

there is a hidden harmony here, a sacredness, a higher order in which everything

has its perfect place and could not be other than what it is and the way it is.

The mind is more comfortable in a landscaped park because it has been PLANNED

THROUGH THOUGHT; it has not grown organically. There is an order here that the

mind can understand. In the forest, there is an incomprehensible order that to

the mind looks like chaos. It is beyond the mental categories of good and bad.

You cannot understand it through thought, but you can SENSE it when you let go

of thought, become still and alert, and dont try to understand or explain. Only

then can you be aware of the sacredness of the forest.

I can apply this thought process to the process of Intuitive Eating. If I can

just quiet my mind and be still and know that the dieting and thin body

(landscaped park) which are " planned through thought " are not necessarily what

creates harmony, can I also see the beauty of the organic forest - what might

look like chaos?

I just pray today that I can stay aware that the surface of things do not always

equal right and wrong. And that I am so much more than my surface. Eventually,

if I allow myself to be still and listen, my instincts will be all I ever need.

Deb