one year of IE - reflections

[Guest guest]

Good morning all, I realized yesterday that it's been one year since I committed to IE, and started thinking about my journey so far.  I thought some of our newer friends might enjoy reading about it since I've read several " Hi I'm new and kinda scared of this " posts lately

 

For those who don't know me already, I had dabbled with the ideas of IE a few years ago but never really got past the first step " eat whatever you want " LOL.  Then last October my best friend died of breast cancer at age 43, and I decided that life was too damn short to obsess about diet every minute of the day (which was practically what I was doing, and with nothing to show for it!).  I worked with Gillian for 6 months as a gift to myself (she is fabulous, btw .  At first I did gain weight - about 12 lbs in those first 6 months - which was no different from my weight gain when I was dieting LOL --- but I was really enjoying what I ate and letting go of the guilt for enjoying the taste of good food for the first time since I was a kid! 

 

I haven't quite let go of worrying about my weight and my size, and the journey toward self-acceptance (not to mention self-love) is a very long one - more like climbing a ladder out of a very deep pit of self-hatred.  But ever so gradually, my focus has shifted on how I FEEL, not what I LOOK LIKE.  And when I understand my feelings, I can make more conscious decisions about whether eating something will really make me feel better (usually, it won't, and my binging and secret eating has all but disappeared .  And if food won't help, what WILL?  Caring for my self (in both senses of the word!) is always the answer!!!!  The actions vary, but the spirit of self-care is always the motivator.  What a concept! LOL

 

And suddenly, I look back and realize that for 6 months my weight has stabilized, even without hours in the gym or bashing myself for every cookie.  I can choose a healthy meal without feeling like a martyr, or a brownie without feeling like a failure.  I'm more interested in the preparation of food because I can focus on what will be delicious and enjoy the process of creating it, instead of fretting over whether it'll make me fat(ter) or did I include enough vegetables (whether I want them or not).  Along  the way, I've learned how to stand up for myself and have healthy (or at least healthier!) boundaries regarding how others treat me and 'use' my time and energy.  And even more interesting, I'm realizing that my whole life, I have really " held on to " negativity - when I have a bad feeling, I tend to want to define it 7 different ways - which only extends and amplifies it.  I've decided to treat disturbing thoughts like a bug flying by - give it just enough attention to identify the 'threat level', if it's a fly, let it go, if it's a plague of locusts deal with it

 

Looking forward, I feel it's important to focus on my health (I have high cholesterol and high BP), which DOES mean being mindful of nutrition - BUT I am in a great position to start applying the principle of " gentle nutrition " without making it into a diet, and I have a new ability to exercise because I enjoy feeling fit and strong rather than because I need to burn calories and have a desparate hope that this time I'll lose weight   Do I wanna be smaller and have a sleek sillhouette when I'm naked for my husband?  sure   But I'm not in a desperate, unhappy-making quest for it, and that really, really, feels good

 

Mikki