Re: gary

[Guest guest]

Hello,

here writing again. I had hard day with "wifee" today. I just had to get away for awhile so here am I. I confuse as to is whom in those pictures. Maybe it's because those brain cells are running into each other in my brain resulting from my bad day.

Awhile back I had said that "when I ever get depressed, all I had to think about what happen to Terria Hardy". Well like I think I said before, that isn't workin to well all and said and done. If things keep on going like they have been, either I'll end up in jail (snowball chance in hell for that), in a mental hospital, or dead. , I understand what you're saying-- sometimes we choose to distract ourselves by using someone's hardship to cover our own feelings. Pretty soon, that stops working. When it does, we don't know what to do, and life and living with chronic illness comes right back at us-- and we have to deal with our feelings, whether that's inadequecy, failure, grief, and all the other stuff that comes with this disease. Sometimes we even think that we, and those we love, would prefer it if we were dead.

I once talked to , my husband, about this. He was so hurt that I would think he wants me out of his life. The thought that I'd commit to suicide to ease his "pain" over my illness made him absolutely furious. Even the thought that I'd divorce him to give him his "freedom" brought him to tears.

I share this because it's a mental dance we do to OURSELF. Then we broadcast that message to our spouses, and then we think we're getting the message from them that they don't want us. , that's crap. If they didn't want us around, they'd leave.

I know from personal experience, that once I stopped feeding my mind that garbage, and changed it to loving him, wanting him, and him wanting me-- that part of the path smoothed out. It also opened up the door for us to talk about what we really are feeling, instead of not talking about what we think others are feeling. READ THIS LAST SENTENCE AGAIN.

Winning a lottery or sweepstakes, or someone gives me a lump some of money to start living separately more than likely won't happen either. I finding myself thinking those thoughts again like this summer. What is going to do? gARY, none of us knows what we're going to do. We don't know what's gonna happen next. But we do have today. With chronic illness, you learn to live in the moment-- and deal with one issue at a time. Like I said in e-mail earlier today. My car situation in itself could make anyone in sorry world have a heart attack and die just from being stress out this alone. I writing this with one of those "slice of pie pieces" (of my personality) to say I don't have much to continue living period.Not having a vehicle, or the money to repair it, is maddening. Honestly, I drive a 10 year old care with 200,000 miles, a broken windshield, a broken door handle on the drivers side, and the last "maintainence" was 75,000 miles ago. Yep, it needs some serious work, but it still runs. Winters not gonna be fun when I have to roll the window down, open the door using the outside handle, roll the window up, get my portable oxygen, my purse, my keys out of the ignition (!) , and pray I've turned the radio, heater, defroster, windshield wipers off, so that it'll start on a weak battery. But I still can't justify this as a reason not to live. I dont think you can either. Do you have public transportation in your area. How about a "Caring Ministry" at a local church or the VA people-- I believe they have people that will take you to and from the grocery store, and library, etc. Not my wife, daughter, anyother family members are NOT a reason to think otherwise. You may not have a warm, fuzzy realationship with these people-- but what messages are you sending out-- what I see is that you've decided that all the people that told you you were nothing in the past were right. I suspect you're pushing all of them away, and they're meeting your expectations.

Today I read those e-mails that different people stated about pain. I think alot of ones that read these know that most of pain is not of the physical nature kind. So many "slices of that pie". I've holding alot of my thoughts about these things inside of myself for most part for years. I can "see" why people went to that Dr. Jack Kervokian years ago for a "assisted sucide" because of different diseases that they had. I can "see" why people kill themselves for various reasons over the years. You may think or say that don't think about this let alone trying to do this. No I'am not, but sometimes I can "see" that some point in future that death is better option or is a better choice of "evils". , this is a discussion that all of us have had many times over. Its an incredibly valid thought. I don't have an answer, but I do know that if you get to the point where you're saying-- this is it, time to die-- that you need to reach out for help. Call a suicide helpline, call a friend, call someone. For over a year, I had to call my therapist in order for me to drive down the canyon to get to work. There was a certain spot that called me to drive off--and attempt to land 2500 feet down. It hasn't been done unsuccessfully--everyone who's tried it--died there. They meet their Maker. The grief and hardship that they put their families and kids thru-- can you imagine your daughter identifing your broken body-- yep, you'd screw her up even worse. So, sorry, I don't buy that your family, your wife and daughter, and parents wouldn't suffer if you were "gone." For those who didn't read the times I had written before such a Marla, I have talked to the counslor at the V.A. Clinic about what I just had stated. "Once healed wounds had opened up again, but the scars remain regardless. Yep, and you can reopen those wounds any time you want-- but why? Why make yourself suffer? This illness will do that-- why bring in the extra. Honor those scars, they are battle scars, and you are stronger because of them.

If there is anyone who may have thought, ", I appreciate what you've said before about taking on this sarcoid stuff upon yourself". "And doing so you've said you would die from this", is or has made me depressed. Well, if this is the case I'am sorry, and won't state that again or any what I've written tonight. If there is anyone who thought I've been bitching or complaining let me know. I'll won't me mad. If I feel/detect that the majority of everyone "out there" thinks that I've been bitching about various things, situations, or events that happen in my past or present, I'll stop writting altogether to this support group. I will state something that I don't want anyone to change their opinion on that last sentence. One thing that has made me a desire to go another day in my present sorry life is writting to this website. , we all have pain issues, mental, emotional, physical. No one wants you to stop writing to us. So what, you've been bitching about your life. Well, this ain't no garden party. It effects every single part of our life. Our marriages, our sex life, our personality, our professional/careers, it challenges everything we do and thought we are. And sometimes it is just SO BIG-- we have to bitch. It's ok.

[Guest guest]

To Tracie, , & Kim,

here at the Wyoming City Library. I came here after voting this morning at a church. I had to wait in line about an hour and a half. What I had written yesterday in those e-mails is just things that is going on in my life. As far as my car, it is depressing or fuss-

trating about it but "IT" is not in itself to make me sucidal. It has 103,000 miles on it that I believe.

Here's a list of things that happen in the last 6-8 weeks.

1. Oil leaking problem of two or is it three different places, two quarts of oil a week.

Parts and labor costs > $290.00

2. Both car door handles broke off due to both door hinges bad

causing the doors to sag. $400.00 per door, so both repair if I did $800.00

3. Passenger side headlight burn out, cost unknown

4. My AM-FM CD player in the car just quit working, costs unknown

5. Outer Tie Rods (stering parts) was previously bad has gotten worse

- It's like perhaps I've have a accident any time who knows? $200.00

6. Engine coolant leak costs unknown

I don't have any money for repairs unless, A. Take up bank robbing, B. Win a lottery -

If that happen this car is scrapped. C. That mission downtown do some repairs.

All this is on top of other repairs that could be done.

Now "wifee", there's been times that I wished I never had met her. One second married to her, engaged to her, or dating is like one second too long. Another piece of my "pie" of my life. If I did come into money, either employment (slim), lottery (very unlikey-no money to buy tickets), or disability income then I'll have a source of income for myself.

If I did have any of such things happen I very well would move away. Any of these things are just snenerios.

My depression is mostly of these "other" stuff and NOT from sarcoidosis. Yeah a piece of that "pie" is to take off out of here in Michigan and never come back for any reason.

What goes around comes around. In essense unless I resolve some issues of wife, in-

come, and car or another one this depression ain't going to go away. Forget about any marriage counsling, my opinon is right now that's a waste of time. See I just don't have any love for Kathy or very little now anymore. In some ways like that revlonutary guy said "Give me Liberty, or give me death". Well I got to go now.

Bye

tiodaat@... wrote:

Hello, here writing again. I had hard day with "wifee" today. I just had to get away for awhile so here am I. I confuse as to is whom in those pictures. Maybe it's because those brain cells are running into each other in my brain resulting from my bad day.Awhile back I had said that "when I ever get depressed, all I had to think about what happen to Terria Hardy". Well like I think I said before, that isn't workin to well all and said and done. If things keep on going like they have been, either I'll end up in jail (snowball chance in hell for that), in a mental hospital, or dead. , I understand what you're saying-- sometimes we choose to distract ourselves by using someone's hardship to cover our own

feelings. Pretty soon, that stops working. When it does, we don't know what to do, and life and living with chronic illness comes right back at us-- and we have to deal with our feelings, whether that's inadequecy, failure, grief, and all the other stuff that comes with this disease. Sometimes we even think that we, and those we love, would prefer it if we were dead. I once talked to , my husband, about this. He was so hurt that I would think he wants me out of his life. The thought that I'd commit to suicide to ease his "pain" over my illness made him absolutely furious. Even the thought that I'd divorce him to give him his "freedom" brought him to tears. I share this because it's a mental dance we do to OURSELF. Then we broadcast that message to our spouses, and then we think we're getting the message from them that they don't want us. , that's crap. If they didn't want us around, they'd leave.

I know from personal experience, that once I stopped feeding my mind that garbage, and changed it to loving him, wanting him, and him wanting me-- that part of the path smoothed out. It also opened up the door for us to talk about what we really are feeling, instead of not talking about what we think others are feeling. READ THIS LAST SENTENCE AGAIN. Winning a lottery or sweep

stakes, or someone gives me a lump some of money to start living separately more than likely won't happen either. I finding myself thinking those thoughts again like this summer. What is going to do? gARY, none of us knows what we're going to do. We don't know what's gonna happen next. But we do have today. With chronic illness, you learn to live in the moment-- and deal with one issue at a time. Like I said in e-mail earlier today. My car situation in itself could make anyone in sorry world have a heart attack and die just from being stress out this alone. I writing this with

one of those "slice of pie pieces" (of my personality) to say I don't have much to continue living period.Not having a vehicle, or the money to repair it, is maddening. Honestly, I drive a 10 year old care with 200,000 miles, a broken windshield, a broken door handle on the drivers side, and the last "maintainence" was 75,000 miles ago. Yep, it needs some serious work, but it still runs. Winters not gonna be fun when I have to roll the window down, open the door using the outside handle, roll the window up, get my portable oxygen, my purse, my keys out of the ignition (!) , and pray I've turned the radio, heater, defroster, windshield wipers off, so that it'll start on a weak battery. But I still can't justify this as a reason not to live. I dont think you can either. Do you have public transportation in your

area. How about a "Caring Ministry" at a local church or the VA people-- I believe they have people that will take you to and from the grocery store, and library, etc. Not my wife, daughter, anyother family members are NOT a reason to think otherwise. You may not have a warm, fuzzy realationship with these people-- but what messages are you sending out-- what I see is that you've decided that all the people that told you you were nothing in the past were right. I suspect you're pushing all of them away, and they're meeting your expectations. Today I

read those e-mails that different people stated about pain. I think alot of ones that read these know that most of pain is not of the physical nature kind. So many "slices of that pie". I've holding alot of my thoughts about these things inside of myself for most part for years. I can "see" why people went to that Dr. Jack Kervokian years ago for a "assisted sucide" because of different diseases that they had. I can "see" why people kill themselves for various reasons over the years. You may think or say that don't think about this let alone trying to do this. No I'am not, but sometimes I can "see" that some point in future that death is better option or is a better choice of "evils". , this is a discussion that all of us have had many times over. Its an incredibly valid thought. I don't have an answer, but I do know that if you get

to the point where you're saying-- this is it, time to die-- that you need to reach out for help. Call a suicide helpline, call a friend, call someone. For over a year, I had to call my therapist in order for me to drive down the canyon to get to work. There was a certain spot that called me to drive off--and attempt to land 2500 feet down. It hasn't been done unsuccessfully--everyone who's tried it--died there. They meet their Maker. The grief and hardship that they put their families and kids thru-- can you imagine your daughter identifing your broken body-- yep, you'd screw her up even worse. So, sorry, I don't buy that your family, your wife and daughter, and parents wouldn't suffer if you were "gone." For those who didn't read the times I had written before such a Marla, I have talked to

the counslor at the V.A. Clinic about what I just had stated. "Once healed wounds had opened up again, but the scars remain regardless. Yep, and you can reopen those wounds any time you want-- but why? Why make yourself suffer? This illness will do that-- why bring in the extra. Honor those scars, they are battle scars, and you are stronger because of them. If there is anyone who may have thought, ", I appreciate what you've said before about taking on this sarcoid stuff upon yourself". "And doing so you've said you would die from this", is or has made me depressed. Well, if this is the case I'am sorry, and won't state that again or any what I've written tonight. If there is anyone

who thought I've been bitching or complaining let me know. I'll won't me mad. If I feel/detect that the majority of everyone "out there" thinks that I've been bitching about various things, situations, or events that happen in my past or present, I'll stop writting altogether to this support group. I will state something that I don't want anyone to change their opinion on that last sentence. One thing that has made me a desire to go another day in my present sorry life is writting to this website. , we all have pain issues, mental, emotional, physical. No one wants you to stop writing to us. So what, you've been bitching about your life. Well, this ain't no garden party. It effects every single part of our life. Our marriages, our sex life, our personality, our professional/careers, it challenges everything we

do and thought we are. And sometimes it is just SO BIG-- we have to bitch. It's ok.~~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~~The Neurosarcoidosis CommunityNS CHAT:- Has been cancelled for now.Message Archives:-http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/messagesMembers Database:-Listings of locations, phone numbers, and instant messengers.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Neurosarcoidosis/database

[Guest guest]

,

I get it. The cars falling apart, the bodies falling apart, the marriage has crashed, and is smoldering, getting ready to burn. And not a damn fire-extinguisher anywhere.

We've all been there, or are there. It's not fun, but it's life- sick or not.

Tracie

[Guest guest]

Hi, . I'm Rose, the lovely lady with the icebags on my head & the

beautiful granddaughter. I have a couple of questions. Is Kathy your

daughter's mom? How is their relationship? I know that right now it's

hard to believe that you have the strength or resources to help anyone

else, but you might be surprised. Your daughter may need your emotional

support & commitment to her, no matter how old she is. I have custody of

my 15 yr. old granddaughter because her father is an idiotic & her mother

(my daughter) is too emotionally immature to be a responsible parent.

Sometimes I think I'm too tired, or overwhelmed, to keep on with ,

but there really isn't anyone else. I know that she needs the stability &

security of a home & unconditional love. As AA (and our fearless leader

Tracie) say, " One Day at a Time. " Sometimes it's one hour or one minute at

a time.

Now about the car. It looks like you could buy another car for less money

than fixing all that stuff. Do you know a reliable mechanic who can watch

for a car? My mechanic sold my daughter a little Subaru wagon a few years

ago for $600.00. It wasn't fancy, but it was reliable. My son made fun of

it, called it the Super Poo, but she got a lot of miles out of it. It's

always a gamble buying a used car (even a new one sometimes!), but if you

trust the person selling it, or can have someone you trust check it out,

that helps. My first car was a Chevy II station wagon. I bought it just

before I started nursing school many years ago. I paid $175 for it and

drove it for two years before it croaked & died. We called it the Red

Bomb. Anyway, it just doesn't sound like that car is worth putting money

into. Do you have good public transportation where you live?

Just know that someone in this group has been in a similar situation to

yours, and someone has felt the way you feel at times. Like said,

vent all you want, but I often assume that someone just wants to vent &

doesn't necessarily want feedback. So don't feel hurt if you don't get

feedback, but let us know what you need & want. And remember that

sometimes a large number of us are feeling bad at the same time, or have so

many other demands on us that we don't respond right away or at all. Hugs

from the great state of Indiana, Rose

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[Guest guest]

I would be very interested in this recipe of yours, I cant imagine what it would be with this name. I am waiting anxiously.

Take care,

Kim