my struggles

[Guest guest]

I've been struggling with IE lately. I know that everything is permitted but still struggle with good/bad judgements even though I eat whatever I want, and I rarely ever truly binge ... but my weight is still creeping up and it still bothers me ... I've felt disconnected with the teachings that are focussed on " stopping the binge " because that's not my problem ... my problem, I think, is in consistently eating " just a little more than I need " - to which a rational response is to focus on listening to my body and be willing to stop when satisfied not stuffed, but I'm having a real problem stopping!  It's so frustrating!!

 

In what seems at first to be unrelated (but may not be), I had a weird thing happen last night.  My husband and I were just chatting about daily life and our kids, and as we were getting into bed he rather innocently asked me why my parents didn't have more kids? (I have one sister).  For some reason, that question caught me completely off guard and opened up some unexpectedly painful emotions - I was told as a kid that if my mom's first pregnancy hadn't ended in the stillbirth of my older brother I wouldn't exist (since they planned to have 2 kids).  It seems as if that plus the emotional abuse from my depressed father left me with the feeling of " second choice that never measured up.  Then I realized that there are millions of people in this world right now who really WEREN'T wanted, and does it really matter????  NO, of course not!!! What matters is who they are today!  So I can let go of caring about my parents opinion from 40 years ago because no one else cares, they just see who I am NOW.  I felt like I'd dug up a stinky old corpse of hurt feelings and laid it to rest.  Or at least started embalming it for a proper burial LOL

 

Then I had a really bizarre, graphic dream about having to eat slices of my own flesh to keep from starving to death (complete with a discussion with another dream person of the relative merits of slicing off fingers vs. taking hunks of thigh muscle and where I explained that it didn't taste all that bad, but gave me  a stomach-ache later), and woke up utterly depressed.

 

Now I'm wondering at my emotional attachment to the feeling of " full " , why " satisfied " or " not hungry anymore " isn't sufficient for me, and how it ties into the old 'not good enough' bogeyman - a parallel between " this dinner was not enough, I need EAT more "  and " I an not enough, I need to DO more " .  The dream has to be a message (the graphic ones always are) but I haven't quite worked it out yet.  Actually, I'm still stuck in the " I'm fundamentally flawed and no effort on my part can make me good enough but I have to either keep trying or just give up and do everyone a favor and die " feeling ... which makes it hard to objectively analyze dreams.

 

::sigh::

 

thanks for listening...

 

Mikki