Re: my struggles

September 11, 2009

Wow Mikki - I can really relate to what you're saying - I have been struggling

for weeks. I don't know why I cannot stop at full when eating. Sometimes I can

go for long periods of time feeling satisfied and my mind is at peace with food.

Then the raging crazies of food churn up again and I eat until I hurt, and the

food crazies can go on for weeks at a time. That and my inability to TRULY let

go of hating the physical feeling of being fat are real barriers to me. I

wonder, though, if instead of my believing that somehow I will get " fixed " and

have peace with food forever, maybe it's like everything else in life - that

there is an ebb and flow - that nothing stays the same - everything changes (and

everything ends). Everything. Maybe I can try to ride these constantly

changing waves of life and of myself and truly truly accept wherever I am on the

waves. Maybe I can accept these barriers and thereby free myself from them a

little bit more. I think that is the paradox - that I have to really accept my

weight and fluctuating weight and all of the feelings hiding in there that I

don't want to befriend in order for my body to really be free to be whatever I

am each and every day.

My all or nothing, never good enough, thinking is just flat not being kind to

myself. I am going to try to just observe this about myself without getting so

involved and tangled up in it. I am going to try to observe this something in

me with love and compassion, instead of constantly resisting even my small

successes and being so unkind to myself.

I'm going to take today and enjoy it and those around me whether I am empty,

full, overfull, because I'm not going to get this day back when it's done. I am

going to experiment with accepting and loving myself just the way I am TODAY.

Does that make any sense you guys?

Judi

>

> I've been struggling with IE lately. I know that everything is permitted but

> still struggle with good/bad judgements even though I eat whatever I want,

> and I rarely ever truly binge ... but my weight is still creeping up and it

> still bothers me ... I've felt disconnected with the teachings that are

> focussed on " stopping the binge " because that's not my problem ... my

> problem, I think, is in consistently eating " just a little more than I need "

> - to which a rational response is to focus on listening to my body and be

> willing to stop when satisfied not stuffed, but I'm having a real problem

> stopping! It's so frustrating!!

>

> In what seems at first to be unrelated (but may not be), I had a weird thing

> happen last night. My husband and I were just chatting about daily life

> and our kids, and as we were getting into bed he rather innocently asked me

> why my parents didn't have more kids? (I have one sister). For some reason,

> that question caught me completely off guard and opened up some unexpectedly

> painful emotions - I was told as a kid that if my mom's first pregnancy

> hadn't ended in the stillbirth of my older brother I wouldn't exist (since

> they planned to have 2 kids). It seems as if that plus the emotional

> abuse from my depressed father left me with the feeling of " second choice

> that never measured up. Then I realized that there are millions of people

> in this world right now who really WEREN'T wanted, and does it really

> matter???? NO, of course not!!! What matters is who they are today! So I

> can let go of caring about my parents opinion from 40 years ago because no

> one else cares, they just see who I am NOW. I felt like I'd dug up a stinky

> old corpse of hurt feelings and laid it to rest. Or at least started

> embalming it for a proper burial LOL

>

> Then I had a really bizarre, graphic dream about having to eat slices of my

> own flesh to keep from starving to death (complete with a discussion with

> another dream person of the relative merits of slicing off fingers vs.

> taking hunks of thigh muscle and where I explained that it didn't taste all

> that bad, but gave me a stomach-ache later), and woke up utterly depressed.

>

> Now I'm wondering at my emotional attachment to the feeling of " full " , why

> " satisfied " or " not hungry anymore " isn't sufficient for me, and how it ties

> into the old 'not good enough' bogeyman - a parallel between " this dinner

> was not enough, I need EAT more " and " I an not enough, I need to DO more " .

> The dream has to be a message (the graphic ones always are) but I haven't

> quite worked it out yet. Actually, I'm still stuck in the " I'm

> fundamentally flawed and no effort on my part can make me good enough but I

> have to either keep trying or just give up and do everyone a favor and die "

> feeling ... which makes it hard to objectively analyze dreams.

>

> ::sigh::

>

> thanks for listening...

>

> Mikki

>

September 11, 2009

Wow Mikki, you really are finding so much 'more' to IE than just food issues.

Sounds like you have a heaping plate full of old issues and a 'clean plate'

reaction to them? Sadly I think you are right - MANY people were born for either

their parents needs or without really being 'wanted'. And they do NOT need to

cloak themselves in the 'sins' that the (guilty!) parents pass off to them.

Unfortunately, we don't learn this as kids, and many not even in their adult

life!

Sooooo, you NOW get to choose what you want instead of being dictated to by

others. And you also get to fling off that lead overcoat that others have pushed

onto you too. Its going to feel freeing and 'odd' at the same time, but I am

sure you can do it. You have come so far here and I am always inspired by your

posts too.

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007