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Re: Wow, big emotional stuff coming up

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I think what you have touched on is a life long journey/process. I would

encourage you to engage the issue and be willing to explore it in full, but I

would also encourage you to not think there has to be a " fix " for it. We are

all " broken " to some extent, but I think what we find is we realize we are

strong enough to work through those parts of us that feel so difficult and while

it may not be " fixed " we can thrive.

Peace,

>

> As you may remember, I've started working through the " 4 day win " book,

> which like Intuitive Eating, has you get in touch with the reasons and

> emotions that drive us to eat for non-hunger reasons. Well, something very

> big has come up this morning. I wrote a VERY long blog post - here -

> http://mikki-ie.blogspot.com/ for anyone who wants to brave the whole thing

> , but here are some excerpts that I think are really starting to get to the

> core of my over-eating and why I'm having such a hard time coming back to

> normal eating patterns.

>

> * " Something happened this morning with Bill, a pattern that I'm really sick

> of and need to work through. I can't know what is going on in his mind, but

> I can at least sort out mine... " *

> to summarize, I have bronchitis and was up most of the night, so decided to

> stay home sick and slept through the morning routine (note, I work 7-3 so

> Bill normally does the morning routine by himself). this morning, Braedon

> missed the bus. I heard the commotion, came down to see what was going on

> and Bill said he had to hurry and get ready so he could take Braedon to

> school. I offered to finish tidying up the kitchen and living room so he

> could get ready. When he came downstairs, he was really angry and told me

> as he brushed by me " you are just FULL of FAIL this morning " . I have no

> idea what he's mad about, and he hasn't responded to my e-mail asking what

> was wrong.

>

> * " Since I don't actually know what HE thinks is wrong, I am more interested

> in my own reactions to the event and, in a bigger context, figure out how it

> all fits into my feelings of profound unhappiness about these episodes ... I

> have a long history of over-reacting to emotional events (specifically the

> disapproval of the male authority figure in my life) and of not trusting my

> reactions and knowing if I was really wrong...

>

> In order to do that, unfortunately, I think I have to go back to the schlock

> of my childhood. My dad was frequently (always?) depressed, and very

> unpredictable in his moods. He could be joking around one minute and have me

> backed up against the wall snarling at me the next, with no rhyme or reason

> for it. Of course as a child I always believed him that it was my fault. He

> also took sadistic pleasure in teasing me and saying sarcastic, poisoned

> comments so that even what sounded like a compliment always had a hidden

> " gotcha " in it. He'd get me good and primed, walking on eggshells, tense as

> a bowstring, and had a good old time making some small, SEEMINGLY innocent

> comment that tied back to a previous slam or criticism, and I'd run off in

> hysterical tears and cry in my bedroom for hours because I didn't understand

> why my Daddy hated me and wanted to hurt me. I remember this happening from

> the time I was about 6...My mom never intervened, never saved me. She'd come

> in after a while and rub my back and defend him and say he really didn't

> mean it. Beyond that, my older sister was brilliant and shared many

> interests with him, they were best buddies and he was always nice to HER*.* "

> *

>

> * " So... it's pretty easy to see how my childhood set me up to not trust men

> and not trust myself. I also think it's somehow relevent that I've never

> really been alone, without a boyfriend. I never once went " looking " for a

> boyfriend, in fact I fantasized about just being ME by myself and only

> answering to myself. but somehow, there was always someone wonderful right

> around the corner when the old relationship went bad...I've never, ever,

> truly been emotionally on my own, responsible for my own happiness, my own

> life... there was always a man holding the basket with my heart in it... It

> sounds unbearably corny ... but it appears that I've never gotten over

> trying desperately to get my broken daddy to love me. I've always put so

> much of myself trying to please the man I'm with and simultaneously

> resenting all the energy required to do what I think will make them happy*...

>

> *THIS is the part that is MY problem to fix. I see that I MUST take

> responsibility for my own emotional life and happiness and not let it depend

> solely on whether my husband is happy with what I do for him. (I'm sure he

> doesn't see it that way at all! These are my thoughts)...But I can't see

> past the fog of fear that descends every time my Authority Male is

> Displeased with me, to figure out which is which. Geez, no wonder I eat for

> comfort and have bad dreams.

>

> Now I'm left to wonder, how do I heal myself? *

>

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