Guest guest Posted June 8, 2009 Report Share Posted June 8, 2009 I think what you have touched on is a life long journey/process. I would encourage you to engage the issue and be willing to explore it in full, but I would also encourage you to not think there has to be a " fix " for it. We are all " broken " to some extent, but I think what we find is we realize we are strong enough to work through those parts of us that feel so difficult and while it may not be " fixed " we can thrive. Peace, > > As you may remember, I've started working through the " 4 day win " book, > which like Intuitive Eating, has you get in touch with the reasons and > emotions that drive us to eat for non-hunger reasons. Well, something very > big has come up this morning. I wrote a VERY long blog post - here - > http://mikki-ie.blogspot.com/ for anyone who wants to brave the whole thing > , but here are some excerpts that I think are really starting to get to the > core of my over-eating and why I'm having such a hard time coming back to > normal eating patterns. > > * " Something happened this morning with Bill, a pattern that I'm really sick > of and need to work through. I can't know what is going on in his mind, but > I can at least sort out mine... " * > to summarize, I have bronchitis and was up most of the night, so decided to > stay home sick and slept through the morning routine (note, I work 7-3 so > Bill normally does the morning routine by himself). this morning, Braedon > missed the bus. I heard the commotion, came down to see what was going on > and Bill said he had to hurry and get ready so he could take Braedon to > school. I offered to finish tidying up the kitchen and living room so he > could get ready. When he came downstairs, he was really angry and told me > as he brushed by me " you are just FULL of FAIL this morning " . I have no > idea what he's mad about, and he hasn't responded to my e-mail asking what > was wrong. > > * " Since I don't actually know what HE thinks is wrong, I am more interested > in my own reactions to the event and, in a bigger context, figure out how it > all fits into my feelings of profound unhappiness about these episodes ... I > have a long history of over-reacting to emotional events (specifically the > disapproval of the male authority figure in my life) and of not trusting my > reactions and knowing if I was really wrong... > > In order to do that, unfortunately, I think I have to go back to the schlock > of my childhood. My dad was frequently (always?) depressed, and very > unpredictable in his moods. He could be joking around one minute and have me > backed up against the wall snarling at me the next, with no rhyme or reason > for it. Of course as a child I always believed him that it was my fault. He > also took sadistic pleasure in teasing me and saying sarcastic, poisoned > comments so that even what sounded like a compliment always had a hidden > " gotcha " in it. He'd get me good and primed, walking on eggshells, tense as > a bowstring, and had a good old time making some small, SEEMINGLY innocent > comment that tied back to a previous slam or criticism, and I'd run off in > hysterical tears and cry in my bedroom for hours because I didn't understand > why my Daddy hated me and wanted to hurt me. I remember this happening from > the time I was about 6...My mom never intervened, never saved me. She'd come > in after a while and rub my back and defend him and say he really didn't > mean it. Beyond that, my older sister was brilliant and shared many > interests with him, they were best buddies and he was always nice to HER*.* " > * > > * " So... it's pretty easy to see how my childhood set me up to not trust men > and not trust myself. I also think it's somehow relevent that I've never > really been alone, without a boyfriend. I never once went " looking " for a > boyfriend, in fact I fantasized about just being ME by myself and only > answering to myself. but somehow, there was always someone wonderful right > around the corner when the old relationship went bad...I've never, ever, > truly been emotionally on my own, responsible for my own happiness, my own > life... there was always a man holding the basket with my heart in it... It > sounds unbearably corny ... but it appears that I've never gotten over > trying desperately to get my broken daddy to love me. I've always put so > much of myself trying to please the man I'm with and simultaneously > resenting all the energy required to do what I think will make them happy*... > > *THIS is the part that is MY problem to fix. I see that I MUST take > responsibility for my own emotional life and happiness and not let it depend > solely on whether my husband is happy with what I do for him. (I'm sure he > doesn't see it that way at all! These are my thoughts)...But I can't see > past the fog of fear that descends every time my Authority Male is > Displeased with me, to figure out which is which. Geez, no wonder I eat for > comfort and have bad dreams. > > Now I'm left to wonder, how do I heal myself? * > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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