Special Event Restriction Observations

July 23, 2009

I'm going to Maui in a little more than 2 months. I suspect that I weigh a few

pounds more than I did the last time I went to Maui. Never mind that I abstained

from bingeing (and purging) for over 4 months now. Never mind that I'm eating

intuitively whatever feels good in my body, only when hungry and stopping when I

feel satisfied most of the time. I forget all that progress when I look in the

mirror and see my flabby waist and arms. I see (and measure) extra inches on my

waist. My arms just reflect muscle deterioration. My skin sags where I used to

have toned upper arms. Didn't my skin used to fit? LOL All those bad body

thoughts make me want to 'cut back' how much I eat.

Today I was really hungry for lunch. I actually served myself enough to feel

comfortably satisfied, but I still wanted a spoonful of ice cream after lunch.

Somehow my spoonful of ice cream turned into more than 1/2 cup!! As I was eating

and feeling guilty, I recalled how I used to decide to binge after I overate.

Feeling too full and feeling guilty about overeating previously motivated me to

say " Oh, what the heck, I might just as well binge " . Now, however, I HATE

feeling uncomfortably full. So bingeing does not appeal to me at all.

Nevertheless, I watched myself go from a few tiny spoonfuls of ice cream to 1/4

cup to over 1/2 cup as I regretted overeating. What was different today? G U I L

T!!! Where did that come from?

My first thought, as I continued to eat ice cream, was that I need to put away

all my dessert foods for awhile. Then I will only have fruit or stevia sweetened

tea available after meals. So my guilt led to DIET or RESTRICTION thoughts.

Those restriction thoughts motivated my 'last supper' response to eating ice

cream. By last supper I mean I wanted to eat all I could (before I felt

uncomfortably full), before I restricted myself from eating ice cream.

Fortunately, I seldom overeat, so 1/2 cup of ice cream seems like waaay too

much. so I stopped eating before I felt painfully full. Nevertheless, my

thoughts of guilt, then restriction, then 'last supper' eating reminded me of my

previous binge logic.

However, I wonder whether the guilt preceded the restrict thoughts OR the

restrict thoughts (like 'I shouldn't be eating ice cream because I need to lose

some inches around my waist') actually preceded the guilt thoughts. I actually

think my bad body thoughts led to my restrict thoughts which led to the guilt

thoughts which led to more overeating. If I had not decided that I needed to

lose a few inches, I might not have felt guilty about a few spoonfuls of ice

cream. Then I might have just eaten a few spoonfuls to satisfy my taste craving,

but not feel too full.

Am I wrong to want to lose a few inches around my waist or improve the muscle

tone in my arms? Maybe not, but I can do both with exercise and activity, rather

than restricting what I eat, before my vacation. Even a trip to Maui isn't worth

undoing all the progress I've made with intuitive eating. I'd rather go with a

flabby waist and flabby arms than return to restricting, bingeing and maybe

purging. Rather than worry about toning up my slender body, I prefer to go to

Maui after 6+ months of freedom from bingeing (and purging). So I plan to keep

using intuitive eating, which helped me easily abstain from bingeing for over 4

months now.

Enough already with bad body and 'restriction' thought. My ice cream experience

convinced me that just one restriction thought can lead to guilt and last supper

eating.

July 23, 2009

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> I'm going to Maui in a little more than 2 months. I suspect that I weigh a few