love and marriage

[Guest guest]

I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My

husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he

admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how

awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part

I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and

thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the

mirror, and I think I look beautiful.

And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic

attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I

even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex

was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look

less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall

back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make

matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome

himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He'

balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him

attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never

capable of loving me.

And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the

ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a

good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores

our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now.

But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The

kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling,

but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the

kids.

Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I

figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever

look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of

this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating

path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell

you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to

write this post.

Thank you,

Sara