feeling totally tapped out

May 29, 2009

I'm so TIRED... the kids have been ill sequentially, they've all had the same thing, 3-4 days of high fever and vomiting then a couple of days of low-grade fever and sore throat ... so lots of interrupted sleep plus I haven't been feeling great myself ... for several weeks (since it got warm here in Virginia) I've just been HOT all the time, like its 95 degrees outside when it's really only 75-80 ... but yet when I take my temperature I'm usually 96-97 (I'm hypothyroid) ... I have CONSTANT heartburn it seems, and no energy whatsover... I feel like my fitness level has bottomed out since I haven't been to the gym in a month, but don't have the energy to even get started I've gained a few more pounds, up to 208 that's 8 pounds gain since January

I'm actually getting quite depressed and can't tell if I'm depressed because I have no energy, or have no energy because I'm depressed! Or if I'm just worn out from fighting off the bug my kids have had for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been taking anti-depressants all month instead of just during my PMS time, as an experiment but I don't know if it's helping me keep from flaking out entirely or contributing to how bad I feel. It's starting to feel like life isn't worth living if I'm going to feel rotten all the time ... but with 4 young children checking out just isn't an option, better for them to have a bad mom than no mom at all I suppose ... I'm considering dropping out of my PhD program or at least taking the summer off and trying to get myself together and not have THAT stress... last night my husband muttered something about me being a hypochondriac, which I think is a bit unfair since there are obviously nasty germs going through our household (I've been fighting to keep their temps under 103) ... but of course that doesn't make me feel any better about myself... I tell myself to work on my own issues and ignore his, he thinks I take too many pills already (thyroid and blood pressure meds, and I recently started taking a calcium-magnesium supplement because I read that many of my symptoms are related to magnesium deficiency)... but the blood pressure, thyroid and cholesterol are REAL not imagined I've been seeing a doctor for 3 years about them and get labs every 3 months!

I'm trying to eat healthfully and not have over-eating and the accompanying guilt add to my feelings, but it's frankly hard to be intuitive about ANYTHING at the moment. 2 days this week I ate 2 salami sandwiches in a row then felt awful and over-stuffed afterward ... yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal, a cheese sandwich and salad for lunch, a few bites of leftover baked beans and some pork chop and sausage with sauerkraut on garlic mashed potatoes for dinner ... which doesn't seem like " too much food " but I still felt bad about it.

I dunno, maybe I'm feeling so out of control with my physical well-being that I'm falling into the diet mentality of wanting to have rigid controls of my eating? because I'm fighting thoughts that I " should have " had a grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli instead of that grilled cheese sandwich, and that have a bit of dinner sausage and 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes was " naughty " . I feel like such a failure for gaining weight still. I think IE is the right path, but feel like I'm failing to do it right or I would be more healthy, not LESS

::sigh::

Mikki

May 29, 2009

Personally, therapy has been the bomb for me. ;-) It's amazing how someone can

help you to change ways you think that you have tried for years to fix!

Warrior

>

> Big thanks, , Katcha, and Gracie ... just a little sympathy helps

>

> Sometimes it's hard to give myself permission to slow down when it seems

> like no one else is! Especially when it means choosing not to do something

> that is important to others ... I TRIED this past week, took 2 full days off

> for a long memorial weekend and it didn't turn out too well since the kids

> were sick (not so restful!!!) ... and I even called in sick yesterday after

> being up half the night with so I could get enough sleep to function

> ... it just seems so unfair to burn vacation days and feel worse than when I

> started <whine, whine>

>

> LOL about my body's clues.... I just wish they were in a language I could

> understand You are right though, I do have much more awareness and I

> know I am eating less, it's just so hard to let go of a lifetime of

> perfectionism and the fear that no matter how much I do it's never going to

> be enough, be good enough, and that the people around me won't love me

> anymore if I can't keep all those balls in air with a smile on my face

> <and, you know, I didn't realize it was THIS old issue again until I read

> through all your responses and reacted to them ... sigh...>

>

> damn, maybe I need therapy ... I'm pushing 43 and still can't shake my

> childhood shit

>

> Mikki

>

> > .

> >

>

May 30, 2009

Martha,I am 53 and still dealing with childhood shit. The difference is this time I am more aware and able to let go and start living. Subject: Re: feeling totally tapped outTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Friday, May 29, 2009, 9:25 PM

Personally, therapy has been the bomb for me. ;-) It's amazing how someone can help you to change ways you think that you have tried for years to fix!