Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Sara, Just like there are really lots of different types of 'attractive', there are also different ways to love! The sad thing is that due to being as media-ized on this point (hot sex or nothing), the tender, person appreciative type of love gets forgotten or discounted. Medications and performance do touch on vulnerable ego spots for men.Medication can also affect libido. I've heard of couple alternatives like massages but it sounds like you are young enough to have hormones in healthy drive to not settle for that alone! I think your keeping focus with IE & self appreciation is a good place to work from. Hopefully your husband will begin to find that he wants to have 'love' too. Its not a one way street ;-) BEST wishes - Katcha IEing since March 2007 > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Sara, Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before he can do it on his own. Deborah Brent Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ love and marriage I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. Thank you, Sara ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 He's 43, and I can't believe I forgot to mention that he was diagnosed recently with very low testosterone. He says he thinks he's in andropause (male menopause). He's very emoionally labile right now. When he told me he didn't find me attractive enough to perform, he was later crying saying he was afraid I had been thinking of divorcing him. Our insurance doesn't cover testosterone, but I wonder how much it could possibly cost. I just find it hard to belive that he would be so cruel as to say someting like that to me. He assured me he was very horny, just not for me. I just can't believe he woul consciously pin something like that on me. I have to believe that he's not consciously aware that he's doing that. Sara > > Sara, > Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is > not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves > you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. > > I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There > have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that > wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. > > Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. > > How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a > sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before > he can do it on his own. > > Deborah Brent > Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ > > > love and marriage > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My > husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he > admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how > awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most > part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, > and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look > in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for > panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing > before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical > intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of > time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, > there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and > there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far > from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " > weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that > ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to > find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real > man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. > I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can > ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share > all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive > eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I > can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great > weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > i just wanted to reach out and and give you *hugs* there's not really a lot of advice i can give. actually now that i think about it i kind of have an opposite problem. and i guess i can tell you from the other persons point of view, it really isn't about you. it's not about your looks or anything. when someone's 'drive' is gone it more than likely is because of stuff they are going through. so def. don't feel bad. i hope some answers come your way soon. kudos for continuing to take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Sara,I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say that I am really impressed with your honesty, both with yourself and with us. And also your courage and conviction in believing that you have to love yourself, regardless. And that you deserve that, are worthy of it. And that you aren't taking him comments to heart! Kudos to you! That's AWESOME. IAbby  Sara, Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before he can do it on his own. Deborah Brent Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ love and marriage I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. Thank you, Sara ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Can you get other forms of affection or intimacy from him, besides sex? I was just hoping so for your sake. :-) You are a good wife to try to understand his limitations. Warrior > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 There are medications for depression and blood pressure that make it nearly or totally physically impossible, especially for men. Warrior > > Sara, > Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is > not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves > you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. > > I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There > have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that > wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. > > Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. > > How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a > sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before > he can do it on his own. > > Deborah Brent > Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ > > > love and marriage > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My > husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he > admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how > awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most > part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, > and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look > in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for > panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing > before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical > intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of > time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, > there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and > there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far > from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " > weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that > ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to > find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real > man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. > I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can > ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share > all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive > eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I > can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great > weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Sara, I want to give you big {{{{hugs}}}}, too. By talking about this and bringing it to the surface, you are on the path to breakthroughs and healing, no matter how it pans out! Though I hear your sadness, I applaud your insight and bravery to move forward in some way. If he does really love you and wants to make things work, and you aren't willing to accept the status quo, then it seems he would be willing to either see a doctor, or a counselor, or whatever it might take to see what is truly going on, as others here mentioned. If not having the sitter for the kids is the only reason, you might want to consider finding a sitter. I can remember when my kids were really small, and I was exhausted, I interviewed several candidates from the childhood education program at our local college, getting references, the whole nine yards, until I found two sweet young ladies who were able to sit for me whenever I needed. One of them even had a regular schedule with me each week. Their varied college schedule allowed those odd hours. The other thought is that there are babysitting co-ops out there or that you can put together, where the babysitting is shared and there is no cost. And of course, you can always ask friends and family for babysitter referrals. Just some thoughts there. I give you kudos as well for following your heart with IE despite the pressure from family members. The thing is, they will see a freer, happier, more healed you start to appear, and they will start to wonder if you're on to something. Blessings to you,  And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. Thank you, Sara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Sara-- Lending my support and want to say how brave you are to be so open and honest about all of this. I deal with a husband who I know loves me very much, but our sex drives are quite different. It is a disappointment to me at times, but there are other ways we show affection and I never feel that I am unattractive to my husband nor has he ever expressed the sentiments your husband relayed to you. I am so sorry you had to hear something like that and I echo the others who say what he said has NOTHING to do with you. Since I am not in your shoes I am by no means here to tell you what to do, but I want you to know that I can understand the need for the love and affection you deserve. I wish you the best! - > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > Thank you, > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Well, maybe the comment was because his male ego is crushed with having this low testosterone level and he was trying to sort of be a jerk to cover his own feelings. But it's still a mean thing to say. I guess it's not black or white. Warrior > > > > Sara, > > Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is > > not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves > > you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. > > > > I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There > > have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that > > wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. > > > > Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. > > > > How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a > > sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before > > he can do it on his own. > > > > Deborah Brent > > Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ > > > > > > love and marriage > > > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My > > husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he > > admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how > > awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most > > part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, > > and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look > > in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for > > panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing > > before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical > > intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of > > time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, > > there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and > > there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far > > from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " > > weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that > > ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to > > find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real > > man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. > > I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can > > ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share > > all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive > > eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I > > can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great > > weight lifted to write this post. > > > > Thank you, > > Sara > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Well, this is a great suggestion, some counseling. He clearly doesn't know how to deal with these changes and you could use some support while he learns how. Warrior > > > > > > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man > > & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than > > ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before > > I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can > > share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my > > intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self > > loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's > > been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > > > Thank you, > > Sara > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 I never have been in marriage before myself. Although I did have a relationship for over 6 years. I don't considering sexual is that important. Sure, it does spice up the life from boredom to death LOL. Anyway there many ways to get affection from partner by spend time together, go out do something just two together and nobody else. Spend once or twice a week dinner together. I even studying various Tantric life as they call that. Just satisfy my curious after listen to several friends of mine complained how boring their sex life gets to the point it just all same and no new things to explore because of lose interest, fear to explore new things, can be include health wise, and though it's worth to find out what one can do for other as that person can do for her or him. Eliza > > > > > > > > > > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > > > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > > > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > > > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > > > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real man > > > & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > > > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > > > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > > > > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than > > > ever. I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before > > > I can ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can > > > share all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my > > > intuitive eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self > > > loathers. So I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's > > > been a great weight lifted to write this post. > > > > > > Thank you, > > > Sara > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 forgot to say, I wish the best for you and am really sorry you're going through this. You are wise to vent and discuss it. Warrior > > > > Sara, > > Get your husband to the doctor. I'm assuming he is under 40. If so, it is > > not normal for a man to not be interested in free sex. I'm sure he loves > > you, and probably feels inadequate so he is putting the blame on you. > > > > I've had quite a few health problems since I was 38 and I'm now 55. There > > have been times when sex was difficult, but we kept going because that > > wasn't a part of our lives we weren't ready to give up. > > > > Please know that he probably didn't mean a word he said. > > > > How does he handle it when you are physical and touching him, not in a > > sexual way, but a loving way? He's going to have to learn what it is before > > he can do it on his own. > > > > Deborah Brent > > Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Fitzgerald~ > > > > > > love and marriage > > > > I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my second son, who is now 2. My > > husband and I haven't had sex since then. We recently had words, and he > > admitted he didn't find me attractive enough. As I write this I realize how > > awful it is. I have been just truly devastated by this. But for the most > > part I haven't taken it personally. I've said a few mean things to myself, > > and thought a few cruel things about myself, but I find it fleeting. I look > > in the mirror, and I think I look beautiful. > > > > And I know that's not the whole story. He's on a lot of medications for > > panic attacks and blood pressure. He was actually having trouble performing > > before I even gained my weight. And he's always had trouble with physical > > intimacy. Sex was about heat, not love. As heat fades with the passage of > > time, and as I look less and less like the cultural ideal of sexuality, > > there's nothing left to fall back on. There's no physical tenderness, and > > there never has been. To make matters weirder, my husband is pretty far > > from the cultural idea of handsome himself. He's farther from the " ideal " > > weight than I am by quite a bit. He' balding and has rosacea. None of that > > ever mattered to me. I always found him attractive. It's devastating to > > find that I loved him in a way he was never capable of loving me. > > > > And it's not that he doesn't love me. I know he does, he just doesn't have > > the ability to be physically intimate. I have 2 kids under school age. I > > have a good degree and the ability to make decent money. My husband > > absolutely adores our kids, and they adore him. I don't want to tear my > > family apart right now. But I can't see me spending forever without real > > man & woman kind of love. The kind that matures with age. I've considered > > getting marriage/sex counselling, but now's not a good time for that either. > > We don't even have a sitter for the kids. > > > > Throuh it all, I find I'm even more committed to intuitive eating than ever. > > I figure it's my responsibility to love myself unconditionally before I can > > ever look to anyone else for that. I really don't have anyone I can share > > all of this with. My family has not at all been supportive of my intuitive > > eating path. They're all chronic dieters, and chronic self loathers. So I > > can't tell you all how much I appreciate this forum. It's been a great > > weight lifted to write this post. > > > > Thank you, > > Sara > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2009 Report Share Posted July 25, 2009 >------hello, Sara! new on this list, please excuse me- but I have to say-- you go, girl! I am proud of you to admit that you feel crushed by your husband's apparent rejection of you. took me a LOT longer than 2 years, I can assure you of that! I am thinking here... low testosterone.. hey, could HE use some exercise? that's what does it! sure it is! That's one reason buck deer rub their racks on trees till the bark shreds ( there are other reasons too..) but they know intuitively that it ramps up their hormones, and they will need all they can get to get through breeding season. after raising a variety of other animals, I have seen it replayed over and over. I know we are not ANIMALS, but... well, something to think about. And, c/mon, does he really think that he's the ONLY guy in the world to get turned on my someone other than their wives?? My dear husband, while turning a relatively cool shoulder to ME, would practically knock me down to grab the 's Secret catalog out of my hand to run off with it!! ha ha! Be patient, love your babies, and bloom like a rose. he will come back soon, I think. luv Amelie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.