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Hello Latoya,

People say thoughtless things all the time. Much of the time, they don't even realize it. I still have the urge to mask my true feelings if someone is critical, but I'd like to be more open, like you are.

Gracie

IE-ing since 4/2/09 > To: IntuitiveEating_Support > Date: Mon, 6 Jul 2009 17:38:18 +0000> Subject: Re: the nursing home> > Deb,> > Last week, I was in a grocery store and this short seemingly sweet elderly lady wheeled her cart next me and asked me to reach up and bring some packages of deli meat down for her. She looked in my basket and made some comment about how we find ourselves eating things we shouldn't...like implying that I was eating junk! I had some bananas, some pears, and a package of mini cherry pastries in my arm cart. I guess the mini cherry pastries is what instigated the comment to me because her eyes also went to by ample arms. In the past, I would have made sure that I went out with some type of longer sleeve on, in order to hide my upper arms. However lately, I've let go of that rule and I feel like I've seen another person including this woman's eyes going from my face to my arm in conversations. As my short interaction progressed with this woman, I started to feel more uncomfortable about the energy of her comments. The interaction lasted less than five minutes, and I realized later that I was angry. I felt like I had an encounter with the "food police," while I was minding my own business shopping!> > I came home that night confused and still triggered into anger. I have this practice of visualizing myself back into situations that leave me riled up and speaking from the feelings that I'm feeling...basically saying to that person everything the feelings want to say. I communicated things like I didn't appreciate the comments and that although she may have meant well, the interaction angered me. Very quickly, the feelings changed and I realized and felt like I could understand this woman's fear and anxiety. What I got, was that she felt out of control and alone. She couldn't do something as simple as reach up and get her own food anymore. In the brief exchange, she had also communicated worries about finances. She was alone shopping in a grocery store, so I started to wonder about her support network, etc. Although her attempt at communication wasn't the most skillful, it was an attempt at connection or to feel some sort of camaraderie with me. > > The IE Long Haul group has started reading through and commenting on the first chapter of When Women [People] Stop Hating Their Bodies. Some members, like me, have already read the book and know the general themes of the book. One important point in the book, that I want to remain aware of is that the authors stress that any form of body bashing is code for anxieties and stress that people can not or do not have the skill to face...that a person's problem with fat is really a mask for the bad feelings they have about themselves and their life. You were having a nice visit with your aunt. I can imagine some insecurities and envy that could come up in these woman observing your visit with your aunt and your ability to leave. > > There's nothing wrong with having a big ass! I got one that has been commented on at various points in my life...and no matter what size I am, biological heritage has determined that it will always be bigger than average. :) My bum has been greatly admired and has also sent tongues into negative fits. I remember an instance when I was trying on some clothes in a dressing room at a store that I loved and this cackle of women were commenting about how my ass was huge. I noticed that their butts were flat..."just jealously", I said to myself at the time! I'm sure that they had insecurities that were taken out on my ample arse. > > Latoya:) > > > > Today is a new day. I sat and read some of my IE book and feel a little better. Yesterday's experience was supposedly an opportunity to learn something. I just pray that I can see what it is. It did help to read the operation beautiful site too!> > > > Deb> > > > > ------------------------------------> >

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Latoya wrote: I came home that night confused and still triggered into anger. I have

this practice of visualizing myself back into situations that leave me

riled up and speaking from the feelings that I'm feeling...basically

saying to that person everything the feelings want to say. I

communicated things like I didn't appreciate the comments and that

although she may have meant well, the interaction angered me. Very

quickly, the feelings changed and I realized and felt like I could

understand this woman's fear and anxiety. What I got, was that she felt

out of control and alone. She couldn't do something as simple as reach

up and get her own food anymore. In the brief exchange, she had also

communicated worries about finances. She was alone shopping in a

grocery store, so I started to wonder about her support network, etc.

Although her attempt at communication wasn't the most skillful, it was

an attempt at connection or to feel some sort of camaraderie with me.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I've done something similar to this with journaling. I either write a letter to the person that I never intend to send or I write a conversation including both sides of the conversation. It's amazing what comes up during these and they are generally very healing. Sharon

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Norma,

It's interesting that you highlighted this point. I've been doing some intensive

practice around being more of myself/taking up more space in the world for the

past 2-3 years. I cried openly in front of my mother for the first time,

probably since I was a child, just last year. I always got the impression that

women in our family were supposed to be strong and that we were supposed to just

tough it out and get over things. So, I had this belief that my mom couldn't

handle it if I was emotional. And, unfortunately, it's true that she's is not

very skillful at being in a situation with me when I'm emotional. The first time

I started crying after a comment she made, she started apologizing in an attempt

to get me to stop and times after that when I cried in front of her because of

selfish things she did or said she'd either leave the room or she'd actually

ridicule and taunt me! These experiences were real eye-openers for me.

To be more open about who I am and how things affect me, I had to be able to

tolerate other people not being able to tolerate me. I had to learn how to be

with myself and take care of myself in vulnerable situations because there is no

guarantee that another person is going to be capable of having empathy and being

in the midst of intense emotions. In fact, I've found that real strength comes

in part from being able to be who you are in any moment and knowing that you can

(and being able to) take care of yourself.

I have been fortunate to know several generations of my ancestors (parents,

grand-parents, great-grand-parents, and great-great grand-parents). However,

there's a part of me that feels like I don't really know who they are/were

because of all of the unwritten rules and protective defenses we've formed over

lifetimes. I want the people who are important to me to know who I am. I don't

force myself on people. However, I have made it a point to be more open about my

experiences and feelings, as they come up in relationship, slowly over time and

even more openly with people who indicate that they have the skills and

abilities to be more deeply intimate. What I've gained by being able to let

myself be in situations like that is that I don't stuff down my feelings with

food as much.

L.

> People say thoughtless things all the time. Much of the time, they don't even

realize it. I still have the urge to mask my true feelings if someone is

critical, but I'd like to be more open, like you are.

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Oh, and sometimes I do still mask my true feelings. I've found that some people

just like to play games and want to see if they can get a response. When I mask

my feelings, I remain aware that they are going on inside of me and then I work

them out later in the ways that Sharon and I shared. And, my developing

intuition usually gives me indicators on the level of safety around revealing

myself with certain people. I've had to experiment with known safe people and

people who I feel uncertain with to see what works for me and what doesn't work.

Latoya

> Hello Latoya,

> People say thoughtless things all the time. Much of the time, they don't even

realize it. I still have the urge to mask my true feelings if someone is

critical, but I'd like to be more open, like you are.

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I have been listening to all of you posting each experiences. There something I

want to shared from my experinces. When I was very young kid and was taught

always tell truth. I did that all the time yet I was being called names whore,

liar, cruel, and others just because I was told them the truth and they choice

not to believe me no matter what. Even though to this day those people I know of

still call me names that I realized because they do not like the fact I have

always tell the truth but always careful who I am talk to because I know some of

them could not handle the whole plain nothing else but truth.

Once I remember back in high school and that I was big girl as well. Those kids

taunted me so badly to the point I just want them to shut up taunted me because

there one other girl who was even bigger than me and they never bother taunted

her. I decide that I have had enough of them taunted me by join sports. Swimming

team I keep come in first and second for that had work and shut those kids up.

Eliza

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This is an interesting concept because it makes the point about becming

vulnerable to people that you really aren't safe being vulnerable in front of.

You really got me thinking about that. Thank you.

Warrior

> > Hello Latoya,

> > People say thoughtless things all the time. Much of the time, they don't

even realize it. I still have the urge to mask my true feelings if someone is

critical, but I'd like to be more open, like you are.

>

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Thanks for your in depth comments, Latoya. So much resonates with me and my family--the "unwritten rules". Yep. > To: IntuitiveEating_Support > Date: Tue, 7 Jul 2009 14:23:57 +0000> Subject: Re: critical comments> > Norma,> > It's interesting that you highlighted this point. I've been doing some intensive practice around being more of myself/taking up more space in the world for the past 2-3 years. I cried openly in front of my mother for the first time, probably since I was a child, just last year. I always got the impression that women in our family were supposed to be strong and that we were supposed to just tough it out and get over things. So, I had this belief that my mom couldn't handle it if I was emotional. And, unfortunately, it's true that she's is not very skillful at being in a situation with me when I'm emotional. The first time I started crying after a comment she made, she started apologizing in an attempt to get me to stop and times after that when I cried in front of her because of selfish things she did or said she'd either leave the room or she'd actually ridicule and taunt me! These experiences were real eye-openers for me. > > To be more open about who I am and how things affect me, I had to be able to tolerate other people not being able to tolerate me. I had to learn how to be with myself and take care of myself in vulnerable situations because there is no guarantee that another person is going to be capable of having empathy and being in the midst of intense emotions. In fact, I've found that real strength comes in part from being able to be who you are in any moment and knowing that you can (and being able to) take care of yourself. > > I have been fortunate to know several generations of my ancestors (parents, grand-parents, great-grand-parents, and great-great grand-parents). However, there's a part of me that feels like I don't really know who they are/were because of all of the unwritten rules and protective defenses we've formed over lifetimes. I want the people who are important to me to know who I am. I don't force myself on people. However, I have made it a point to be more open about my experiences and feelings, as they come up in relationship, slowly over time and even more openly with people who indicate that they have the skills and abilities to be more deeply intimate. What I've gained by being able to let myself be in situations like that is that I don't stuff down my feelings with food as much.> > L.> > > > > People say thoughtless things all the time. Much of the time, they don't even realize it. I still have the urge to mask my true feelings if someone is critical, but I'd like to be more open, like you are. > > > > > > ------------------------------------> >

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