Guest guest Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks so much for the hugs, Katcha - I appreciate it! I want to respond to some of your questions, because I think this is one I really need to work through to figure this out, so I hope you don't mind. " are you measuring 'success' by a size #? " Hmmm, yes, I guess I am to a degree, only because I maintained what felt easy for me before...good grief for over 20 years, but then my weight started to waffle and it was so frustrating. So, I do feel like a failure, and it has been hard to be gentle with myself. So, I guess I am....it is hard for me to see a clear path for myself. Help! " I don't want to sound harsh, but the impression I am getting is that if you 'stray' from 'the true path of IE' you feel you must then buckle down and work harder? Such 'driven' reactions tend to back fire on me, could this be happening to you too? " No, it isn't that really (I don't think?), it is that to focus on what I have to do (take better care of myself, journal, be more aware when I eat), that it takes effort in the sense that I actually have to focus on those things. I feel spread so thin (pardon my pun) with all the other big stresses I have right now, that to focus on me right now just seems so impossible. I don't view IE itself as working harder, but to actually give myself that time seems harder right now, and I just don't have any energy left. Ugh. Did I make any sense? Maybe I don't equate " focus " with " harder " , but maybe it really is the same thing. Thank you also for your thoughts about my mom. I am so sorry you had to struggle with this issue in your family, too, and for the loss of your mom. It is a really difficult time and I know you understand the worry. I appreciate the off-topic advice, too, for my dumb ants - as I knock off some of these little things, I'll cope better! " I remember reading about how 'set backs' are quite possible and even 'normal' for those who have been doing non-dieting for a length of time. If you want, I highly suggest reading When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies as it has lots more insight and information about this in it than I could ever condense and post here. " I will have to put my hands on a copy of that book. I definitely hate my body right now. I realize how much when I feel the tears bubbling up. Thank you for letting me know about it. I know this is one thing I have to work on. Thank you so much for your intuitive response - it is very helpful. First of all HUGS to you , you have so MUCH on your 'plate'! I am gong to interlace my response to your post below the section replied to - Katcha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 Thank you, ! That means a lot. This is a great group - I'm so glad I found you all!!! Not a lot to say as you have put it out there very succinctly, but just want you to know you are not alone and folks are always pulling for you!! My best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2009 Report Share Posted June 3, 2009 You just made me cry (in a good way) - thank you. I never thought about looking at it like that. You made me realize that I haven't nearly 'gained it all back'. I never thought to look at it like this, that really, it isn't that big of a difference considering the stress I am under right now and that I should be more forgiving of myself that I found a way to cope, even if it wasn't the best for, well, you know. I just feel so emotional right now, and I really appreciate what you said...I just appreciate you all so much! Wow, you are hanging in there and that is beautiful. I would say from objective point of view what I see is a women who has been through and going through so much and the worst thing that she's allowed to happen is going from a 4 to an 8. ;-) You are awesome. Of course harder times make it harder to be within an ideal range. But you are a warrior too! Warrior > > I had some epiphanies last night (and now I'm trying to figure out how to > move forward with them.) I have been in this strangely apathetic place > about my weight. I was a size 4 last summer, and now I'm a size 8, and it > is just tearing me up because I know *how* to do this and I have been a > success at IE for so long, but I can't seem to bring myself to do what it is > I need to do - like I don't care. Usually, if I felt any difference of my > weight of just a few pounds, it would be enough to make me take a look and > fix whatever it was I was doing (pay more attention, etc.) and I would focus > on it more intensely. I just couldn't figure out how I could be relaxed > about my weight for so long (it had become a non-issue really), and then > suddenly feel like I have some issues to deal with again, and then be > apathetic or unfocused about it. It has been frustrating to say the least. > > I realized last night as I journaled, that I have some things that have > either shown up in my life that are hard to cope with or situations I > haven't come to grips with that are taking my attention and energies away > from being able to focus truly on IE and my weight. Without boring you too > much, I can explain some of them in a nutshell only because I need to figure > out how to now cope with some of this. > > My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. It was a devastating > diagnosis and at the time was considered inoperable. It has been a long two > years of surgeries and fighting this thing as a family and now her cancer is > back - she has multiple nodules in her pleural lining. It doesn't look good > and I'm just so sad. We find out a course of treatment this week. At the > same time, I just found out my sister who recently had a baby, was just > rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to stop uncontrolled bleeding. > I had no idea this happened to her, and she still hasn't called me back > because she is recovering (but I know she is now ok), but it was the thing > that tipped the whole thing for me stress-wise. On top of this, my husband > and I have been in a valley that I think we are just coming out of now, > which is good, but it has been difficult. Then add to that that someone > stole my account information at my bank (it was a hacking job so I wasn't > the only victim), but I have some cleaning up to do which takes time and > energy. And for the minor stuff, I have had multiple major ant attacks in > my kitchen this week, so all the dishes had to be removed from the cabinets > and I had to basically wash *all *my dishes and wash out cabinets this week > (not in my gameplan) TWICE because the darn ants kept returning. These were > the things that rocked the boat. > > On top of that, I have had some clutter issues that I just haven't had the > energy or time to conquer. I also live far away from town (our choice) > because we thought living in the country would be a wonderful thing. In > many ways it is, but I also have all my friends and activities in town, so > with the commute, I find I have even less time. On top of that, we made a > change to send 1 son to private school this year, so I work 3 mornings a > week to pay for that, so I have even less time, as really those 15 hours add > up to more than that with the commute. On top of that, we are planning on > switching our other son to another school in town because all the California > budget cuts have decimated our current school's ability to give a top notch > education, so I know I will have more driving. And on top of that, I have > been trying to get a handle on some health issues for myself (fatigue > related) and some financial goals as well. > > My epiphany - I realized how can I possibly focus on weight with all that > going on? My attention is so divided. I don't really know how to move > forward with this and some of these things are going to be on-going and > difficult. Thanks for letting me get that out there. I know this is a > place where people understand the valleys. What I really want is to be able > to be 'free' to focus on my weight, but I can't see the light at the end of > the tunnel yet. Thanks for listening. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 , You are trying to cope with so many things at one time. I lost my Mom to cancer and I commend you for hanging in there while your Mom heals. Take some time for yourself. Relax in a tub for 30 minutes, Cry if you have too, and realize that in time all things will change. You are a fearless warrior and everything going on right now will settle down. It might not always be what you expected, but it will change. Don't be so hard on yourself. When you start to heal, the weight will come off because you have let go of some of the control you are trying to hang on to. Everything will come to you in time. May you find peace within Wow, you are hanging in there and that is beautiful. I would say from objective point of view what I see is a women who has been through and going through so much and the worst thing that she's allowed to happen is going from a 4 to an 8. ;-) You are awesome. Of course harder times make it harder to be within an ideal range. But you are a warrior too!Warrior > > I had some epiphanies last night (and now I'm trying to figure out how to> move forward with them.) I have been in this strangely apathetic place> about my weight. I was a size 4 last summer, and now I'm a size 8, and it> is just tearing me up because I know *how* to do this and I have been a> success at IE for so long, but I can't seem to bring myself to do what it is> I need to do - like I don't care. Usually, if I felt any difference of my> weight of just a few pounds, it would be enough to make me take a look and> fix whatever it was I was doing (pay more attention, etc.) and I would focus> on it more intensely. I just couldn't figure out how I could be relaxed> about my weight for so long (it had become a non-issue really), and then> suddenly feel like I have some issues to deal with again, and then be> apathetic or unfocused about it. It has been frustrating to say the least.> > I realized last night as I journaled, that I have some things that have> either shown up in my life that are hard to cope with or situations I> haven't come to grips with that are taking my attention and energies away> from being able to focus truly on IE and my weight. Without boring you too> much, I can explain some of them in a nutshell only because I need to figure> out how to now cope with some of this.> > My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. It was a devastating> diagnosis and at the time was considered inoperable. It has been a long two> years of surgeries and fighting this thing as a family and now her cancer is> back - she has multiple nodules in her pleural lining. It doesn't look good> and I'm just so sad. We find out a course of treatment this week. At the> same time, I just found out my sister who recently had a baby, was just> rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to stop uncontrolled bleeding.> I had no idea this happened to her, and she still hasn't called me back> because she is recovering (but I know she is now ok), but it was the thing> that tipped the whole thing for me stress-wise. On top of this, my husband> and I have been in a valley that I think we are just coming out of now,> which is good, but it has been difficult. Then add to that that someone> stole my account information at my bank (it was a hacking job so I wasn't> the only victim), but I have some cleaning up to do which takes time and> energy. And for the minor stuff, I have had multiple major ant attacks in> my kitchen this week, so all the dishes had to be removed from the cabinets> and I had to basically wash *all *my dishes and wash out cabinets this week> (not in my gameplan) TWICE because the darn ants kept returning. These were> the things that rocked the boat.> > On top of that, I have had some clutter issues that I just haven't had the> energy or time to conquer. I also live far away from town (our choice)> because we thought living in the country would be a wonderful thing. In> many ways it is, but I also have all my friends and activities in town, so> with the commute, I find I have even less time. On top of that, we made a> change to send 1 son to private school this year, so I work 3 mornings a> week to pay for that, so I have even less time, as really those 15 hours add> up to more than that with the commute. On top of that, we are planning on> switching our other son to another school in town because all the California> budget cuts have decimated our current school's ability to give a top notch> education, so I know I will have more driving. And on top of that, I have> been trying to get a handle on some health issues for myself (fatigue> related) and some financial goals as well.> > My epiphany - I realized how can I possibly focus on weight with all that> going on? My attention is so divided. I don't really know how to move> forward with this and some of these things are going to be on-going and> difficult. Thanks for letting me get that out there. I know this is a> place where people understand the valleys. What I really want is to be able> to be 'free' to focus on my weight, but I can't see the light at the end of> the tunnel yet. Thanks for listening.> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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