Guest guest Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Be honest with yourself. Even if there a few things you had not finish. I will said so what? You have so many on your hands. School, 4 kids as you said, cooking foods for family, and that can go on a long list than he expect. What did he do? From what I see and that sound like he had done nothing. You can tell him that if he do not like things are not done by his standard. He can do it for himself and let you be handle other things that are more important. Stand up for yourself. Eliza > > I'm sorry if this is not the place to vent, but I am feeling very sad and > isolated right now and don't know where to turn, or if I want to turn > *anywhere* except inside myself to cry > > I've been feeling out of sorts all week, like my hormones are out of whack > or something ... heartburn all week, feeling overwhelmed by work and school > ... when I get like this my thoughts get scattered and I tend to start > forgetting to finish tasks ... earlier this week my husband hollered at me > because I'd forgotten to put the bathroom trash can back in the corner after > I cleaned water up off the floor and he stubbed his toe on it in the dark > ... then the next day he had a whole list of things that I hadn't done, or > hadn't done right ... then just as I was starting to feel better about > things, he got really mad at me this morning for leaving for work without > putting away a couple of things in the kitchen (grease can into the freezer, > didn't wash the onion peels down the drain, didn't wipe down the stovetop > good enough for him etc) and when I apologized for being out of sorts and > forgetting things, he just said " that's the wrong excuse. You just chose > not to take pride in your kitchen " . > > > > I'm not sure why, but I am just flattened by the anger and (what I feel is) > hostility coming from him. I've been working full time and raising 4 kids > while going to school for the past 3 years, trying to balance keeping a 3700 > sq ft house clean and neat and doing 14 loads of laundry a week and get my > studies done and (gasp! dare I say it??) relax every so often. I guess > I've failed though. Recently, every day is a new criticism about what *I* > haven't gotten done (although I've never seen HIM in the shower with a spray > bottle, and he never manages to put his own laundry away, etc etc etc). I > don't know if *I* am really disintegrating and not doing anything right, or > if *he* is just being a nasty SOB this week, it's been a long time since he > picked at me like this. > > At any rate, I feel like quitting school so I can focus on being a good > little housewife (martyr alert!), but on the way home I want to stop for a > giant slice of gooey pizza. Or 4. Put myself in a carb/fat coma so I don't > go driving off a bridge because it just doesn't seem worth it to try so hard > and never be good enough. > > I just don't know which way is up right now, or how to get my center back > > Mikki > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Mikki, Did you marry my ex-husband???? OMG - I lived a life very much like yours for 19 years. Does he feel threatened by you? It seems he is tearing you down instead of being supportive. I am in no way giving you advice but I finally told my husband at that time that he could hire everything (and I did mean everything) that I did for him done by a cleaning service, maid,and prostitute! We were in no way a "team". It seems to me that you are juggling as fast as you can, and being criticized for your juggling pattern. Have you thought about going on strike??? I did that once. Boy, they found out in a hurry all that I did around the house! Keep venting to us. Eat if you want to, just be aware of what you are eating and how you are feeling while you are eating it. Kimberlie Subject: seriously bad dayTo: "IntuitiveEating_Support" <IntuitiveEating_Support >Date: Friday, April 24, 2009, 1:09 PM I'm sorry if this is not the place to vent, but I am feeling very sad and isolated right now and don't know where to turn, or if I want to turn *anywhere* except inside myself to cry I've been feeling out of sorts all week, like my hormones are out of whack or something ... heartburn all week, feeling overwhelmed by work and school ... when I get like this my thoughts get scattered and I tend to start forgetting to finish tasks ... earlier this week my husband hollered at me because I'd forgotten to put the bathroom trash can back in the corner after I cleaned water up off the floor and he stubbed his toe on it in the dark ... then the next day he had a whole list of things that I hadn't done, or hadn't done right ... then just as I was starting to feel better about things, he got really mad at me this morning for leaving for work without putting away a couple of things in the kitchen (grease can into the freezer, didn't wash the onion peels down the drain, didn't wipe down the stovetop good enough for him etc) and when I apologized for being out of sorts and forgetting things, he just said "that's the wrong excuse. You just chose not to take pride in your kitchen". I'm not sure why, but I am just flattened by the anger and (what I feel is) hostility coming from him. I've been working full time and raising 4 kids while going to school for the past 3 years, trying to balance keeping a 3700 sq ft house clean and neat and doing 14 loads of laundry a week and get my studies done and (gasp! dare I say it??) relax every so often. I guess I've failed though. Recently, every day is a new criticism about what *I* haven't gotten done (although I've never seen HIM in the shower with a spray bottle, and he never manages to put his own laundry away, etc etc etc). I don't know if *I* am really disintegrating and not doing anything right, or if *he* is just being a nasty SOB this week, it's been a long time since he picked at me like this. At any rate, I feel like quitting school so I can focus on being a good little housewife (martyr alert!), but on the way home I want to stop for a giant slice of gooey pizza. Or 4. Put myself in a carb/fat coma so I don't go driving off a bridge because it just doesn't seem worth it to try so hard and never be good enough. I just don't know which way is up right now, or how to get my center back Mikki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 LOL Kimberlie, he's not quite THAT bad. My dad never lifted a hand around the house and my 1st husband overtly called it " woman's work " !! Bill is the main cook and *generally* cleans up the kitchen after himself pretty well - he will often leave his dinner mess until morning to wash - but he gets the kids ready for school so he has time in the morning that I don't unless I get up at 5am! He also does 95% of the grocery shopping, coupons and all. He also doesn't leave messes around the house for me to clean up after him ... but it does seem to me that he forgets that the *rest* of the house is not self-cleaning!! Now that I've calmed down and thought about it a bit, I realize 2 things - first, the end of the semester always 'gets' to me (even like now when I'm not prepping for finals, I'm stressed about not being farther along in my research and 'admitting' that to my advisor), that's when I start forgetting to finish my chores and he gets testy with me. Also, we decided long ago that " the cook cleans up after him/herself " ... but every so often one of us will decide to be nice and help clean up after the other one cooks, and ironically that's when we tend to have more conflict. Last night I cooked dinner, so he washed up the pots and pans while I was bathing the boys and putting them to bed. I guess when I saw him doing that ( and thanked him profusely!), I subconsciously figured it was 'his chore' and he would finish cleaning the whole kitchen. While he thought it was still my job to do the rest. On top of that, I know he is stressed out by work at the moment and just finished doing taxes - not that it's any excuse for being THIS grumpy LOL. Mikki Mikki, Did you marry my ex-husband???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Wow, Abby, you are absolutely right. and usually I do the exact things that you suggest - I guess it has thrown me off because it's not my " scheduled PMS week " LOL. I decided to give up trying to be productive this afternoon and went back to the Flylady website and started making a Control Journal - even put it in a binder with protective page covers and printed out the routines in a nice font I think it will be helpful for me to give me a little more structure so I don't feel like I am supposed to be doing it all, all the time!! Thanks for helping me step back and get some perspective, I really appreciate it. Now to go home and put my new plan into action (and try not to feel like I'm doing it because " I'm in trouble! " . My poor hubby, it's been 25 years since my dad had a chance to verbally/emotionally abuse me but those old nasty triggers are still there, I do NOT deal well with men angrily telling me that I did something wrong!!) I'm also going to take my Zoloft full time for a while instead of just during PMDD week and see if that helps me get back on track!! hugs, Mikki .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2009 Report Share Posted April 25, 2009 Geez Mikki: Here's the thing. You work hard and you're not " perfect " . Having someone " yell " at you about " anything " is going to make things uncomfortable and unsafe to communicate. If you do " not " know how to stand up for yourself due to fears of whatever, then this will only continue on with stress. You will then continue to " feed " that stress and disempowerment using food.. Its a rotten thing when someone is yelling at someone else for the purpose of feeling more powerful. Its not a competition, its a friggin marriage with the idea of love, honor an obey (both sides, not just one) - not slave (geesh). Now, I'm going to give you a little secret. Its a 100% secret, meaning that I have " not " ever ever ever seen it disproved. Whenever someone is giving and over abundance of criticisms, yelling too often, too quiet at inappropriate times, etc., it is " guaranteed " that they are either doing something or not doing something that they know they should or shouldn't be doing. They're " acting " out, is the way they distract you from ever finding out the truth of whatever it is. Its partly an " act " and partly a reaction.. I don't need to know the details of what goes on with you and your husband because how you've described the situation is evidence enough. For all I know he feels that if you succeed you will be out of his control - that's just a wild guess - and so he's kinda freaking out because he doesn't " want " to do 14 loads of laundry, etc. He maybe rather you just stay at home and be the " mom/wife " person and nothing will ever change, blah blah blah. Hopefully your situation will not get too out of hand . Lyn I'm sorry if this is not the place to vent, but I am feeling very sad and isolated right now and don't know where to turn, or if I want to turn *anywhere* except inside myself to cry I've been feeling out of sorts all week, like my hormones are out of whack or something ... heartburn all week, feeling overwhelmed by work and school ... when I get like this my thoughts get scattered and I tend to start forgetting to finish tasks ... earlier this week my husband hollered at me because I'd forgotten to put the bathroom trash can back in the corner after I cleaned water up off the floor and he stubbed his toe on it in the dark .... then the next day he had a whole list of things that I hadn't done, or hadn't done right ... then just as I was starting to feel better about things, he got really mad at me this morning for leaving for work without putting away a couple of things in the kitchen (grease can into the freezer, didn't wash the onion peels down the drain, didn't wipe down the stovetop good enough for him etc) and when I apologized for being out of sorts and forgetting things, he just said " that's the wrong excuse. You just chose not to take pride in your kitchen " . I'm not sure why, but I am just flattened by the anger and (what I feel is) hostility coming from him. I've been working full time and raising 4 kids while going to school for the past 3 years, trying to balance keeping a 3700 sq ft house clean and neat and doing 14 loads of laundry a week and get my studies done and (gasp! dare I say it??) relax every so often. I guess I've failed though. Recently, every day is a new criticism about what *I* haven't gotten done (although I've never seen HIM in the shower with a spray bottle, and he never manages to put his own laundry away, etc etc etc). I don't know if *I* am really disintegrating and not doing anything right, or if *he* is just being a nasty SOB this week, it's been a long time since he picked at me like this. At any rate, I feel like quitting school so I can focus on being a good little housewife (martyr alert!), but on the way home I want to stop for a giant slice of gooey pizza. Or 4. Put myself in a carb/fat coma so I don't go driving off a bridge because it just doesn't seem worth it to try so hard and never be good enough. I just don't know which way is up right now, or how to get my center back Mikki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2009 Report Share Posted May 11, 2009 {{hugs}}I hope all is well now. I hate it when men do the silent treatment :(Mikki Mikki- you are not alone. My issues are with a perfectionist mom, and I'm starting to see just how much anxiety losing my friend Kara in third grade to drowning has affected my life. I definitely eat out of anxiety, and at my last marriage counseling appointment I learned how to breathe through it. My husband doesn't intentionally hurt me emotionally, but he definitely lacks empathy. Today we were disagreeing on the day's plans when he got loud with me.... I used my breathing techniques from OUR counselor to get through the anxiety, and apparently he was bothered by it. He turned on the radio to cover up hearing me, I asked him to turn it down because this also causes me anxiety. He just ignored me, which is another source of anxiety. So I plugged my ears and hummed some sort of mantra until he finally turned it off. NOPE, not a single, " are you ok honey? " That would be too helpful. I bought some smaller pants today, as most of my summer ones are too big. I hope that feeling comfortable will ease some anxiety as well. These other ones come down without being unzipped. KnoblochSent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. Cellular Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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