catching up

[Guest guest]

It's been a busy week both work and personal so I'm trying to catch up with everyone's posts and welcome new members

 

My last post was pretty grim, but we have smoothed things over at home ... hubby realizes that a more 'positive' approach when he sees things around the house that he " would like me to take care of " (previously " things I should have done before he noticed them " will be better received, PARTICULARLY if he makes an effort to recognize my (many) accomplishments in other areas of the house .... for my part, I've recognized that I badly over-react to certain hot-button issues stemming from my emotionally abusive childhood, and I've discovered that my company offers a certain number of free counseling sessions and am going to take advantage of that.  I went to my first session yesterday and really like the woman so think it will be very helpful.

 

Some of the pieces I put together over the last several days - and I give IE a lot of credit for setting me on the path of introspection and recognizing when my reactions and responses don't match the situation and ask " why " in a way that is kind and understanding rather than harsh of judgemental of myself!!!

- I recognized that my upbringing instilled a feeling of " something is inherently wrong with me but no one will tell me what it is " , so I've spent my life constantly looking for my flaws and trying to fix them

- no matter how ruthlessly I do this, or how much I accomplish, I can NEVER be confident that there isn't something else that is broken and needs to be fixed.

- most of what I've accomplished has been from a sense of fear and trying to prove myself, rather than joy in doing them

- I almost neurotically pile more and more responsibilities on myself, as if I'm trying to find my breaking point (or at least prove that it's superior to other people's breaking points) ... thus reproducing the cycle of nitpicky abuse that my Dad put on me.  I ran away from his punishment, but spent the last 20 years punishing mySELF instead.

- along with all of these burdens I put on myself, I resent the hell out of anyone telling me that " it's not enough " or " not good enough " while secretly fearing that they are correct -- but I've given THEM the power to decide if I pass muster or not.

 

I'm going to be working on these things with my counselor, seems like I ought to be all patched up a in few weeks, eh? LOL

 

Funny thing is, the more I gain insight into why I've driven myself so hard all my life and start to understand that I AM NOT FLAWED, MERELY WOUNDED ... a lot of my eating issues are fading away like ghosts ... amazing!!!

 

hugs

Mikki

ps thanks for the book recommendation Katcha, I've listened to it on CD and while I don't buy into all he says about our childhoods but really like some of the practical ways to break those cycles and definitely recognized my " defensive " responses LOL...