Re: I really need your help please

April 20, 2001

In a message dated 4/20/01 7:19:55 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

ken@... writes:

> Please help me get thru this. I really need someone to talk to and my

>

Hello Ken, Again it sounds like your situation is total stress and I think

you have identified one needed point of help. You do need to talk this out

and thus I suggest some level of professional help. Consider a psychologist,

psychiatrist, religious counselor, etc. If you still have insurance some or

all of the cost might be covered. Does your employer/past employer have an

employee assistance program? Does Beaverton have a community program? Is

there a telephone number just inside the cover of the local telephone book

that you can call?

What I'm trying to say is that it's like a " plumbing " problem. You might try

to fix it yourself but there comes a point in time that you better call a

plumber as you might be causing more damage than you are fixing.

I will also pass on one of my " Life Lessons " in that in marriage there must

be a commitment from two people and before either can commit they must be

satisfied with themselves. You gotta be " one " before you can be " two. " If you

don't have that then it ain't agonna work.

Another " Life Lesson. " It's damned hard to make good decisions when you are

drunk, drugged out, tired, stressed, angry, hungry or engaged in sex. Best

wait till you can think a little clearer.

I hope you see some daylight soon

Best wishes

Poncho

April 20, 2001

Ken,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this at once it just

doesn't seem fair, I agree that you need to get to a counselor if not both of

you then you alone you need that, I remember when my ex left me and this was

years ago before I was sick, I was young 24 and we had been trying to have

children and pretty much got to the point of knowing that I was never going

to get pg, the doctors had done everything to try and help us and he just

couldn't take it anymore he wanted children of his own so he left I was heart

broken, and my Mom and sister both told me to get into counseling so I did

and it was the best thing for me, I worked out a lot of my problems with it

all and was able to let go, now I know it is the best thing that happened to

me and was much better for me, it is that old saying if you love something

let it go if it comes back then it was meant to be if it doesn't then it was

never to be...but you need someone one on one with you, I blamed myself as

you are I found all my faults and said it was all of them and once I got into

counseling I was much better please my friend call someone...

you are in my thoughts and prayers....

Hugs and kisses

Hoping you have a pain free day

Love & Friendship always in Mich

April 20, 2001

Dear Ken,

I think you two need some time apart to get your own heads together. You guys

arent' much good for each other when you both are confused, douptful, and hurt.

You need some space to figure out what you want in a wife, and if she fits the

bill, and vice versa. Just becaue two people love each other, doesn't mean they

are good for each other. You may love each other, but you are not a very

" healthy " couple. Do you know what I mean? You are not bringing out the best

in each other's personalities. I think you should take a break... It may seem

like you can't live without her now, but look how unhappy the both of you are

right now. Is that the way you want to spend the rest of your lives? If you

love her as much as you say you do, you should want her to be happy (even if it

is without being married to you). You have kids, so you will always be in each

other's lives. You are miserable and she is miserable, which is going to have a

negative effect on the kids. You have to think of them...

Think about it..

Debi

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April 20, 2001

hello ken.

i know and feel what you are going thru. i was in the exact same place a year

and half ago but mine went all the way..

i was crushed to the lowest part of my life. if you really want to work this out

you need to see a marraige counsler NOW

as soon as possible. if it was not for my kids i think i would have given up but

i wanted to do everything i could to give them the best life possible.

the counsler help more then words can say. it really openned both our eye's to

what we were doing to each other and didn't even know it.

and most importantly it taught us how to really talk and listen to each other.

this is a very rough time in your life and please PLEASE do not do anything

crazy( i know the thoughts are there) but look at your kids and think how badly

they would be affected.

please see that counsler and you will be in my prayers.

e-mail me anytime you want

bryann@...

bryan

I really need your help please

Hello Everyone:

I need all your help. People I thought were my friends have let me down and

I have no where else to turn. Please bear with the long message and give me

your wisdom and assistance.

Over the last few weeks, I have had suspicions about my wife and best

friend. He lives is Seattle, WA and we live in Beaverton, OR. Whenever my

wife was online, she would be chatting with him and there were low voiced

phone calls. When I asked about them, she would say trivial things, but I

was extremely suspicious.

Needless to say, this led to many fights at a time when I was struggling

with my very existence. You may recall my previous posts. Anyway, I

started logging everything that went on the computer 2 days ago, and I mean

everything. I was getting screenshots, chat text, websites, everything.

It turns out she has been having extremely intimate conversations and

masking them by telling me she needed to talk to someone. Someone that knew

me and could talk to me about my depression and everything else.

She was planning on taking the kids to the beach this weekend to get some

time away and to rest from all the stress. I found out covertly tonight,

the beach trip was cancelled and she was asking him if he had any ideas what

she should do, since, as far as she knew, I still thought she was going to

the beach. He replied that if she didn't have the kids, she could come stay

with him. She responded that she was sure something could be arranged.

I tried to coax the truth out of her without tipping my hand (I had seen her

chatting with him, even though she tried to hide it when I was around). She

blatantly lied about the whole thing to my face. That is when the shit hit

the fan!

I informed her I knew everything. About the cancelled beach trip, his

offer, her plans for a babysitter, etc. She denied everything still. I

then read to her the exact words she and he had typed. This got her

attention! The first thing she asked was " How did you do it? " and the

second thing was " Why? " .

Now I can be a real asshole and I have been pretty damn unhappy lately, but

they blamed me for the whole thing. He was especially hurtful, saying he

was glad I was hurt, that maybe now I would be a husband. WTF is that?

What kind of human being says that kind of shit to someone they call their

friend?

I got into a heated argument with him over the chat, telling him what kind

of friend I thought he was and a bunch of other things. I then asked him to

leave us alone and never contact us again. Something he has so far refused

to do. He places all blame on this indiscretion on me, saying I caused it.

That I had thrown them together and I was not listening to her. That I was

not being a supportive spouse.

I threatened to throw her out, to help her pack the car and all that shit.

I DID NOT want this to happen, but I was so hurt, that I was absolutely

shaking and could not keep my hands still or my knees from collapsing. I

was eventually able to calm down and speak in a somewhat reasonable manner.

Anyway, I realize I am at least partially responsible for the whole thing.

I am a control freak it seems. I NEED to be in control of everything that

affects me. I guess that is why this illness has been so devastating to me,

cause I am not in control anymore.

She said that she can not live with that kind of control and needs more

space. That she can not go thru life being my only friend that I talk too.

Inevitably, I tell her about her and she is hurt by me sometimes. I also do

not listen to her as I should. When she comes to me with a problem, it is

not always my job to fix it, but to listen and understand.

What I want from you people is what would you do now? Please tell me from

your own perspective what you would do. I am not looking to blame her or

me. I need advice on how to handle a situation like this. There has been

no physical contact between them, so that much is good.

Please help me get thru this. I really need someone to talk to and my

parents are gone, my best friend blames me for everything, and my wife is

all I care about, but cannot talk to her.

I am sorry to lay this on all of you. Please offer any advice you can.

Thank you so much,

Ken Ross

April 21, 2001

Just wanted to let you know we have an appointment with a counselor on

Thurs. Thank you all for your kindness and support

Ken Ross

April 21, 2001

> Just wanted to let you know we have an appointment with a counselor

on

> Thurs. Thank you all for your kindness and support

>

> Ken Ross

>

> Ken: I am so happy you have decided to go to a counselor. I have

been reading your messages with interest and with sympathy. My

sympathy is not only for you but for your entire family. This is the

voice of experience and I hope you will regard what I am saying as

kindness not interference. This situation must be so impossible for

your children, no matter how much you and your wife may try to shield

them the tension alone makes their existance unbearable.I have had

pancreatitis most of my life. I became seriously ill in 1986. My eX

was a control freak, including invasion of my privacy which I feel

you did to your wife (he opened my mail, listened on phone calls,

traced numbers called, etc including accusing any male friend of ours

of having interests in me. Yet I was never unfaithful once in 26

yrs.I'm glad you are getting a handle on this now. You CAN control

yourself. Perhaps your wife needed someone to listen and console her.

If this is the case and I'm sure you both need this, especially with

your illness, YOU can be of great comfort to each other by placing

the other partners needs first.the rest follows lovingly and easily.

Good luck a

>

April 21, 2001

Thank you for your post a. I appreciate your thoughts am glad you

shared them with me.

But you should know she gave me reason to suspect her, as I had caught her

lying about her involvement with him before. That is when I initiated the

audit. What I found during the audit was that she was making plans to go to

him for the weekend, having told me she was gonna stay with a girlfriend on

the coast. Therefore, I felt justified in my surveillance. It would have

been the same as hiring a detective, except a lot cheaper and she was not

actually able to follow thru with the plans before being caught. That would

have been unforgivable.

To be totally honest, if she just wanted to have sex, I could get over that.

What hurt the most was that emotions were involved and not physical contact.

The emotions, the love and affection, I believe, are my territory and are

not to be separated from our relationship. That doesn't mean I don't want

her to feel affection for another human being, but it does mean that I

expected her to honor our oaths.

I don't blame a person for window shopping when they have no intention of

going in the store. I take offense when they fall in love with what they

see, and decide to act on those feelings.

However, you are correct about her needing support from someone else besides

me. That is initially what started this. She was spending a lot of time

with my best friend online, talking to him about my condition and her fears.

I do not blame her or him for that. Everyone needs an outlet they feel

comfortable with to talk about things that are bothering them. When I

discovered it was moving beyond that to heavy flirting, that is when I

personally asked them to stop the behavior. After that, I became suspicious

and did what I did. Normally, I am not that kind of person.

She has many friends outside our relationship. She goes out at least

monthly if not a little more without the family to be with the " girls " and I

fully support that. I encourage that.

What you said about the kids is absolutely correct. They should not be drug

thru this, but what can I do? What does anyone do? They work with the

situation as best they can. I am truly glad she decided to go to counseling

with me. That is a major step. I can't get her to go to the GI with me and

have to deal with that issue by myself, and it's hard. I need her moral

support. This group has helped a great deal, but you are not here to hold

my hand and help ask questions when I am in that office. I hate having to

do it alone.

Please understand, I have made mistakes in this marriage. I have made alot

of them and know it, but so has she. So does everyone in any relationship

because relationships are alive and breathing entities. I am willing to

work thru this with her, and she has agreed for now. That is all that is

important right now. If we are still unable to get out of this funk we are

in, that is the will of God and I will accept it as best I can. But we have

to try for us, before we can do it for the kids, otherwise, it is a waste of

time and the kids will still be hurt.

Sincerely,

Ken