Re: feeling totally tapped out

May 29, 2009

Oh, Mikki, you need a HUG!!! {{{{{Hug}}}}}}I do know how hard it is when the kids are all sick, especially alternatingly sick, so you can't catch a break. But just know that they will get better, and maybe if you look at this as the " 2 steps back " that I've mentioned, because what is next are " 3 steps forward " ! How young are your kids? I remember when my kids were really little, it would have been impossible for me to do a PhD program - that is so impressive! If they let you take a break, as you mentioned, maybe that would be a good idea. The program will still be there, and you can re-group, rejuvinate, and refresh.

As far as the hubby, it sounds like something my hubby would say (er...has said)....and it got me thinking. I think they love us, but they feel a tad helpless when their wives are having any kind of struggle. We do so much for the family as " mom " . His hypochondriac comment is probably more of a coping mechanism. I'm sure he knows that the issues you are dealing with are real, but it could be scary for him because he loves you! Maybe a heart-to-heart about how those comments make you feel would be helpful.

As far as the salami sandwiches, it isn't too late to journal about why it happened. It could be numbness, avoidance, needing comfort, escape, or just plain being unaware. And knowing you aren't alone is key. I was struggling yesterday, too, and I will be journaling right along with you to figure out what that food was really doing for me. And don't feel guilty for eating those sandwiches. Thank them for what they gave you, and let it go. That sounds funny, but sometimes you just have to let it go, take what you learned, and correct it for the next time. Those moments where we fall back are actually making us stronger.

I can empathize with you on the weight gain, because I gained 17 lbs. since last summer. I was horrified and wanted to kick myself. I went from the perfect weight for me to gaining 2 sizes which devastated me because I know better (that's what I tell myself). That's when I knew I needed extra support and found all of you. By being on this list and gaining that support again, my weight is starting to go down. I just wanted to confess that to you so that you knew you aren't alone, and whenever we have these moments, they are great opportunities to see what isn't working, what we are in need of, and to put in those corrections and move 3 steps forward. The other thing that I'm remembering is that life doesn't become perfect when you are thin, you just cope with things differently, rather than with food.

I honestly don't know too many naturally thin people that eat dry, boring, or diet food - they eat fabulous, delicious food, that most of the time ends up being healthy because they are listening to what their bodies want. You are on the right path....just remember it is a journey. You will get there, and you aren't alone.

Hugs,

I'm so TIRED... the kids have been ill sequentially, they've all had the same thing, 3-4 days of high fever and vomiting then a couple of days of low-grade fever and sore throat ... so lots of interrupted sleep plus I haven't been feeling great myself ... for several weeks (since it got warm here in Virginia) I've just been HOT all the time, like its 95 degrees outside when it's really only 75-80 ... but yet when I take my temperature I'm usually 96-97 (I'm hypothyroid) ... I have CONSTANT heartburn it seems, and no energy whatsover... I feel like my fitness level has bottomed out since I haven't been to the gym in a month, but don't have the energy to even get started I've gained a few more pounds, up to 208 that's 8 pounds gain since January

I'm actually getting quite depressed and can't tell if I'm depressed because I have no energy, or have no energy because I'm depressed! Or if I'm just worn out from fighting off the bug my kids have had for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been taking anti-depressants all month instead of just during my PMS time, as an experiment but I don't know if it's helping me keep from flaking out entirely or contributing to how bad I feel. It's starting to feel like life isn't worth living if I'm going to feel rotten all the time ... but with 4 young children checking out just isn't an option, better for them to have a bad mom than no mom at all I suppose ... I'm considering dropping out of my PhD program or at least taking the summer off and trying to get myself together and not have THAT stress... last night my husband muttered something about me being a hypochondriac, which I think is a bit unfair since there are obviously nasty germs going through our household (I've been fighting to keep their temps under 103) ... but of course that doesn't make me feel any better about myself... I tell myself to work on my own issues and ignore his, he thinks I take too many pills already (thyroid and blood pressure meds, and I recently started taking a calcium-magnesium supplement because I read that many of my symptoms are related to magnesium deficiency)... but the blood pressure, thyroid and cholesterol are REAL not imagined I've been seeing a doctor for 3 years about them and get labs every 3 months!

I'm trying to eat healthfully and not have over-eating and the accompanying guilt add to my feelings, but it's frankly hard to be intuitive about ANYTHING at the moment. 2 days this week I ate 2 salami sandwiches in a row then felt awful and over-stuffed afterward ... yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal, a cheese sandwich and salad for lunch, a few bites of leftover baked beans and some pork chop and sausage with sauerkraut on garlic mashed potatoes for dinner ... which doesn't seem like " too much food " but I still felt bad about it.

I dunno, maybe I'm feeling so out of control with my physical well-being that I'm falling into the diet mentality of wanting to have rigid controls of my eating? because I'm fighting thoughts that I " should have " had a grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli instead of that grilled cheese sandwich, and that have a bit of dinner sausage and 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes was " naughty " . I feel like such a failure for gaining weight still. I think IE is the right path, but feel like I'm failing to do it right or I would be more healthy, not LESS

::sigh::

Mikki

May 29, 2009

Mikki, OVERwhelmed is the one word that comes to my mind as I read your post. I

get that way myself at times and I don't have your 'additional' reasons! I hope

you can get some rest to start with and let the 'rest' of the STUFF (pun

intended too!) in your life take the vacation you can't do right at this moment.

I know you have worked with Gillian, is there anything that she said to you that

shines like a beacon of hope at this moment? I know you can and will figure out

what YOU can and will do. The old 'a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a

single footstep' applies here. So glad to be sharing the IE journey with you -

you are courageous!!

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I'm so TIRED... the kids have been ill sequentially, they've all had the

> same thing, 3-4 days of high fever and vomiting then a couple of days of

> low-grade fever and sore throat ... so lots of interrupted sleep plus I

> haven't been feeling great myself ... for several weeks (since it got warm

> here in Virginia) I've just been HOT all the time, like its 95 degrees

> outside when it's really only 75-80 ... but yet when I take my temperature

> I'm usually 96-97 (I'm hypothyroid) ... I have CONSTANT heartburn it seems,

> and no energy whatsover... I feel like my fitness level has bottomed out

> since I haven't been to the gym in a month, but don't have the energy to

> even get started I've gained a few more pounds, up to 208 that's 8

> pounds gain since January

>

> I'm actually getting quite depressed and can't tell if I'm depressed because

> I have no energy, or have no energy because I'm depressed! Or if I'm just

> worn out from fighting off the bug my kids have had for the past 2-3 weeks.

> I've been taking anti-depressants all month instead of just during my PMS

> time, as an experiment but I don't know if it's helping me keep from flaking

> out entirely or contributing to how bad I feel. It's starting to feel like

> life isn't worth living if I'm going to feel rotten all the time ... but

> with 4 young children checking out just isn't an option, better for them to

> have a bad mom than no mom at all I suppose ... I'm considering dropping out

> of my PhD program or at least taking the summer off and trying to get myself

> together and not have THAT stress... last night my husband muttered

> something about me being a hypochondriac, which I think is a bit unfair

> since there are obviously nasty germs going through our household (I've been

> fighting to keep their temps under 103) ... but of course that doesn't make

> me feel any better about myself... I tell myself to work on my own issues

> and ignore his, he thinks I take too many pills already (thyroid and blood

> pressure meds, and I recently started taking a calcium-magnesium supplement

> because I read that many of my symptoms are related to magnesium

> deficiency)... but the blood pressure, thyroid and cholesterol are REAL not

> imagined I've been seeing a doctor for 3 years about them and get labs every

> 3 months!

>

> I'm trying to eat healthfully and not have over-eating and the accompanying

> guilt add to my feelings, but it's frankly hard to be intuitive about

> ANYTHING at the moment. 2 days this week I ate 2 salami sandwiches in a row

> then felt awful and over-stuffed afterward ... yesterday I only had a bowl

> of cereal, a cheese sandwich and salad for lunch, a few bites of leftover

> baked beans and some pork chop and sausage with sauerkraut on garlic mashed

> potatoes for dinner ... which doesn't seem like " too much food " but I still

> felt bad about it.

>

> I dunno, maybe I'm feeling so out of control with my physical well-being

> that I'm falling into the diet mentality of wanting to have rigid controls

> of my eating? because I'm fighting thoughts that I " should have " had a

> grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli instead of that grilled cheese

> sandwich, and that have a bit of dinner sausage and 1/2 cup of mashed

> potatoes was " naughty " . I feel like such a failure for gaining weight

> still. I think IE is the right path, but feel like I'm failing to do it

> right or I would be more healthy, not LESS

>

> ::sigh::

>

> Mikki

>

May 29, 2009

Hi Mikki,

I've been where you are--it's overwhelming. You sound like a committed wife and mom--that's fantastic.

You said you feel like you're not doing IE right. I think you are! I'm no expert, but according to IE philosopy, the awareness you're gaining, as evidenced in your post, is an essential step to learning to be gentle with yourself and pick up on your body's clues. But it takes time to realize that and allow yourself that freedom.

Still learning too,

Gracie

IE-ing since 4/2/09

To: intuitiveeating_support From: mkbehnke@...Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 09:56:28 -0400Subject: feeling totally tapped out

I'm so TIRED... the kids have been ill sequentially, they've all had the same thing, 3-4 days of high fever and vomiting then a couple of days of low-grade fever and sore throat ... so lots of interrupted sleep plus I haven't been feeling great myself ... for several weeks (since it got warm here in Virginia) I've just been HOT all the time, like its 95 degrees outside when it's really only 75-80 ... but yet when I take my temperature I'm usually 96-97 (I'm hypothyroid) ... I have CONSTANT heartburn it seems, and no energy whatsover... I feel like my fitness level has bottomed out since I haven't been to the gym in a month, but don't have the energy to even get started I've gained a few more pounds, up to 208 that's 8 pounds gain since January

I'm actually getting quite depressed and can't tell if I'm depressed because I have no energy, or have no energy because I'm depressed! Or if I'm just worn out from fighting off the bug my kids have had for the past 2-3 weeks. I've been taking anti-depressants all month instead of just during my PMS time, as an experiment but I don't know if it's helping me keep from flaking out entirely or contributing to how bad I feel. It's starting to feel like life isn't worth living if I'm going to feel rotten all the time ... but with 4 young children checking out just isn't an option, better for them to have a bad mom than no mom at all I suppose ... I'm considering dropping out of my PhD program or at least taking the summer off and trying to get myself together and not have THAT stress... last night my husband muttered something about me being a hypochondriac, which I think is a bit unfair since there are obviously nasty germs going through our household (I've been fighting to keep their temps under 103) ... but of course that doesn't make me feel any better about myself... I tell myself to work on my own issues and ignore his, he thinks I take too many pills already (thyroid and blood pressure meds, and I recently started taking a calcium-magnesium supplement because I read that many of my symptoms are related to magnesium deficiency)... but the blood pressure, thyroid and cholesterol are REAL not imagined I've been seeing a doctor for 3 years about them and get labs every 3 months!

I'm trying to eat healthfully and not have over-eating and the accompanying guilt add to my feelings, but it's frankly hard to be intuitive about ANYTHING at the moment. 2 days this week I ate 2 salami sandwiches in a row then felt awful and over-stuffed afterward ... yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal, a cheese sandwich and salad for lunch, a few bites of leftover baked beans and some pork chop and sausage with sauerkraut on garlic mashed potatoes for dinner ... which doesn't seem like "too much food" but I still felt bad about it.

I dunno, maybe I'm feeling so out of control with my physical well-being that I'm falling into the diet mentality of wanting to have rigid controls of my eating? because I'm fighting thoughts that I "should have" had a grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli instead of that grilled cheese sandwich, and that have a bit of dinner sausage and 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes was "naughty". I feel like such a failure for gaining weight still. I think IE is the right path, but feel like I'm failing to do it right or I would be more healthy, not LESS

::sigh::

Mikki

May 29, 2009

Big thanks, , Katcha, and Gracie ... just a little sympathy helps

Sometimes it's hard to give myself permission to slow down when it seems like no one else is! Especially when it means choosing not to do something that is important to others ... I TRIED this past week, took 2 full days off for a long memorial weekend and it didn't turn out too well since the kids were sick (not so restful!!!) ... and I even called in sick yesterday after being up half the night with so I could get enough sleep to function ... it just seems so unfair to burn vacation days and feel worse than when I started <whine, whine>

LOL about my body's clues.... I just wish they were in a language I could understand You are right though, I do have much more awareness and I know I am eating less, it's just so hard to let go of a lifetime of perfectionism and the fear that no matter how much I do it's never going to be enough, be good enough, and that the people around me won't love me anymore if I can't keep all those balls in air with a smile on my face <and, you know, I didn't realize it was THIS old issue again until I read through all your responses and reacted to them ... sigh...>

damn, maybe I need therapy ... I'm pushing 43 and still can't shake my childhood shit

Mikki

..

May 29, 2009

Oh forgot to answer the question about my kid's ages, the boys are 6, 4, and 4 (yup, twin boys), my daughter is 13 and finally old enough to watch them just about the time SHE gets busy with activities and a ton of homework!

I did check into dropping my research for the summer, but I've passed the deadline so I can get the credits for free, or pay to drop out, hmmmmmm...... LOL. At least it's just a matter of getting my major advisor to give me a 'satisfactory' grade- more about her perception of me making sufficient progress rather than actual amount of time spent.

While reading through the posts this morning my attention was caught by the " 4 day win " book, I did a search and found a blog with the technique, and am thinking that this is a good thing for me to look into ... I am stopping at the library on the way home! I do have an overwhelming life, even if I weren't in school, 4 kids a job and a household (not to mention the yardwork! LOL) is a lot to keep up with ... so applying the 'babysteps' concept to my various goals might be just what I need to get out from under the crushing load of my own expectations for myself....

thanks again for the cyber-hug and the encouragment, it's sooo helpful to have ladies to talk and vent to who can help me get out of my tailspin and think about solutions...

hugs

Mikki

..

May 29, 2009

Mikki,It sounds like you've been in/are in a really tough situation, and that you are doing a pretty great job, just not a PERFECT job. i'm certainly impressed by all you are juggling!

I've been spending the last day or two rolling the phrase " i am already thin " around in my mouth -- THANK YOU LAUREN!!! -- and it feels like just the thing to focus on when it's so easy to focus on negative energy. (to be fair, 's phrases were " I am thin on the inside, my outside is just waiting to catch up " and " i am naturally thin today " but this is my paraphrasing of that.) somehow, congratulating myself on already being successful makes me feel so great.

maybe this would help you? i think focusing on the positive things you are already doing can be so empowering and can give you more energy.and baby steps are always a great way to go, ie The Four Day Win.

but maybe you can put off making any major life decisions, ie continuing your PhD or not, or even deciding if you are depressed or not, until your kids are well and you've had a night or two of good sleep???

sending ehugs your way... you'll get through this!abby

Oh forgot to answer the question about my kid's ages, the boys are 6, 4, and 4 (yup, twin boys), my daughter is 13 and finally old enough to watch them just about the time SHE gets busy with activities and a ton of homework!

I did check into dropping my research for the summer, but I've passed the deadline so I can get the credits for free, or pay to drop out, hmmmmmm...... LOL. At least it's just a matter of getting my major advisor to give me a 'satisfactory' grade- more about her perception of me making sufficient progress rather than actual amount of time spent.

While reading through the posts this morning my attention was caught by the " 4 day win " book, I did a search and found a blog with the technique, and am thinking that this is a good thing for me to look into ... I am stopping at the library on the way home! I do have an overwhelming life, even if I weren't in school, 4 kids a job and a household (not to mention the yardwork! LOL) is a lot to keep up with ... so applying the 'babysteps' concept to my various goals might be just what I need to get out from under the crushing load of my own expectations for myself....

thanks again for the cyber-hug and the encouragment, it's sooo helpful to have ladies to talk and vent to who can help me get out of my tailspin and think about solutions...

hugs

Mikki

..

May 29, 2009

" but maybe you can put off making any major life decisions, ie continuing your PhD or not, or even deciding if you are depressed or not, until your kids are well and you've had a night or two of good sleep??? "

This for sure is excellent advice ... and I will focus on getting some rest this weekend!!!

We just learned that the Virginia Renessaince Faire has started back up after being homeless for several years so I'm excited about doing that soon, it's been waaay too long since we went out and just had FUN!!

hugsMikki

.

May 29, 2009

Martha,

I was also working towards a PhD. It was something I always wanted to do. Then

one day, I took a good look at what I was doing and I realized that I was bored

with the program. I was stressed out from working full time, looking after my

family, going to graduate school part time, counting points (haha), feeling

guilty for not working out, and generally feeling like I was losing my mind. I

was tired all the time and dealing with personal issues so I withdrew from the

program. What a relief. I felt as if a load of bricks had been lifted off me.

Not that I'm telling you to withdraw from your program. What I'm saying is that

deciding to give up dieting, to stop beating myself up for not being perfect,

and to begin to listen to my body instead of everyone else, is just part of what

I consider to be a healing process. Withdrawing from the PhD program was also

part of that process. It wasn't making me happy, so why do it. I had to take

stock of my life and slow down. Sometimes you just have to let things go and

focus on yourself for a while.

Hugs to you.

Abby