Re: seriously bad day

[Guest guest]

Mikki,

Glad things calmed down a bit and glad I made you laugh!

Kimberlie

Mikki,

Did you marry my ex-husband?? ??

[Guest guest]

Mikki,

 

I'm glad that you are feeling better!

 

Abby

Geez Mikki:Here's the thing. You work hard and you're not " perfect " . Having someone " yell " at you about " anything " is going to make things uncomfortable and unsafe to communicate. If you do " not " know how to stand up for yourself due to fears of whatever, then this will only continue on with stress. You will then continue to " feed " that stress and disempowerment using food.. Its a rotten thing when someone is yelling at someone else for the purpose of feeling more powerful. Its not a competition, its a friggin marriage with the idea of love, honor an obey (both sides, not just one) - not slave (geesh).

Now, I'm going to give you a little secret. Its a 100% secret, meaning that I have " not " ever ever ever seen it disproved. Whenever someone is giving and over abundance of criticisms, yelling too often, too quiet at inappropriate times, etc., it is " guaranteed " that they are either doing something or not doing something that they know they should or shouldn't be doing. They're " acting " out, is the way they distract you from ever finding out the truth of whatever it is. Its partly an " act " and partly a reaction..

I don't need to know the details of what goes on with you and your husband because how you've described the situation is evidence enough. For all I know he feels that if you succeed you will be out of his control - that's just a wild guess - and so he's kinda freaking out because he doesn't " want " to do 14 loads of laundry, etc. He maybe rather you just stay at home and be the " mom/wife " person and nothing will ever change, blah blah blah.

Hopefully your situation will not get too out of hand .Lyn I'm sorry if this is not the place to vent, but I am feeling very sad and isolated right now and don't know where to turn, or if I want to turn *anywhere* except inside myself to cry

 I've been feeling out of sorts all week, like my hormones are out of whack or something ... heartburn all week, feeling overwhelmed by work and school ... when I get like this my thoughts get scattered and I tend to start forgetting to finish tasks ... earlier this week my husband hollered at me because I'd forgotten to put the bathroom trash can back in the corner after I cleaned water up off the floor and he stubbed his toe on it in the dark .... then the next day he had a whole list of things that I hadn't done, or hadn't done right ... then just as I was starting to feel better about things, he got really mad at me this morning for leaving for work without putting away a couple of things in the kitchen (grease can into the freezer, didn't wash the onion peels down the drain, didn't wipe down the stovetop good enough for him etc) and when I apologized for being out of sorts and forgetting things, he just said " that's the wrong excuse.  You just chose

not to take pride in your kitchen " .    I'm not sure why, but I am just flattened by the anger and (what I feel is) hostility coming from him.  I've been working full time and raising 4 kids while going to school for the past 3 years, trying to balance keeping a 3700 sq ft house clean and neat and doing 14 loads of laundry a week and get my studies done and (gasp!  dare I say it??) relax every so often.  I guess I've failed though.  Recently, every day is a new criticism about what *I* haven't gotten done (although I've never seen HIM in the shower with a spray bottle, and he never manages to put his own laundry away, etc etc etc).  I don't know if *I* am really disintegrating and not doing anything right, or if *he* is just being a nasty SOB this week, it's been a long time since he picked at me like this.

 At any rate, I feel like quitting school so I can focus on being a good little housewife (martyr alert!), but on the way home I want to stop for a giant slice of gooey pizza.  Or 4.  Put myself in a carb/fat coma so I don't go driving off a bridge because it just doesn't seem worth it to try so hard and never be good enough. 

 I just don't know which way is up right now, or how to get my center back  Mikki

[Guest guest]

Hi Mikki,

I know that in the old days, women were expected to raise the kids and cook and

clean the house but I think that some people might forget that women didn't work

in those days so that's why those jobs fell to them.

If a woman is working full time and going to school, unless her spouse is also

going to school, I would think that the rest of the duties - raising the kids

and cleaning the house, etc should be divided and not just fall on the woman.

Actually, maybe not divided because men usually do yard work like mowing and

snow plowing (if applicable) but that stuff is usually only done weekly, so I

would say that a woman should receive at least 25-35% help with the cleaning,

cooking and child raising in order to compensate for the yard work - providing a

service doesn't come and do that for the husband.

I know that if I was in that position, I would definitely expect help with those

things. I can't imagine working full time, going to school, studying, and

raising the children and cooking and cleaning. That's just too much work to

fall on one person.

My fiance picks up extra work around the house because I've suffered with

fatigue problems for many years (which are finally being resolved due to me

being treated for sleep apnea) and I can't imagine criticizing him and being

mean to him when he does all of those thing for me.

Sharon

I'm sorry if this is not the place to vent, but I am feeling very sad and

isolated right now and don't know where to turn, or if I want to turn *anywhere*

except inside myself to cry

I've been feeling out of sorts all week, like my hormones are out of whack or

something ... heartburn all week, feeling overwhelmed by work and school ...

when I get like this my thoughts get scattered and I tend to start forgetting to

finish tasks ... earlier this week my husband hollered at me because I'd

forgotten to put the bathroom trash can back in the corner after I cleaned water

up off the floor and he stubbed his toe on it in the dark .... then the next day

he had a whole list of things that I hadn't done, or hadn't done right ... then

just as I was starting to feel better about things, he got really mad at me this

morning for leaving for work without putting away a couple of things in the

kitchen (grease can into the freezer, didn't wash the onion peels down the

drain, didn't wipe down the stovetop good enough for him etc) and when I

apologized for being out of sorts and forgetting things, he just said " that's

the wrong excuse.  You just chose

not to take pride in your kitchen " . 

I'm not sure why, but I am just flattened by the anger and (what I feel is)

hostility coming from him.  I've been working full time and raising 4 kids while

going to school for the past 3 years, trying to balance keeping a 3700 sq

ft house clean and neat and doing 14 loads of laundry a week and get my studies

done and (gasp!  dare I say it??) relax every so often.  I guess I've failed

though.  Recently, every day is a new criticism about what *I* haven't gotten

done (although I've never seen HIM in the shower with a spray bottle, and he

never manages to put his own laundry away, etc etc etc).  I don't know if *I* am

really disintegrating and not doing anything right, or if *he* is just being a

nasty SOB this week, it's been a long time since he picked at me like this.

At any rate, I feel like quitting school so I can focus on being a good little

housewife (martyr alert!), but on the way home I want to stop for a giant slice

of gooey pizza.  Or 4.  Put myself in a carb/fat coma so I don't go driving off

a bridge because it just doesn't seem worth it to try so hard and never be good

enough. 

I just don't know which way is up right now, or how to get my center back

Mikki

[Guest guest]

thanks to everyone for your kind words and support!  It was interesting, I did NOT answer his snippy comments to me and when I saw him again he was as if nothing had happened ... but Saturday we talked a bit and laughed to discover that we both spent Friday afternoon reading up on the Flylady website!  I agreed that it would help me to have the kind of structure that her system provides (for the bits that I do), and HE even admitted that he is the biggest offender in the kitchen, esp once I pointed out that if the kitchen is basically clean when I go down in the early morning, it's easy for me to SEE and FIX any little things that could be done while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew... but if it's a giant mess I'm likely to overlook the 1 or 2 things that *I* left out. So we agreed to focus on getting the kitchen and living room tidy in the evening, and to each have a helpful attitude towards each other and not get stuck in the " I'll pick up *my* dirty glass but *he* can put away his own dirty plate " kind of cycle...

 

Then he spent most of the weekend working on " honey-do " projects, which is his way of apologizing.

 

So, I've learned something here.  If he says things that are hurtful or annoying, and I immediately get defensive and confrontational, we tend to end up in a huge fight.  BUT if I let it " sit " for a little while, I can communicate my real issues MUCH more effectively (as well as own the portions of the issue that ARE mine!), and he ALSO has a chance to sit with what happened and when we " come to the table " he is not feeling self-righteous and has had a chance to realize that not only are his complaints partially directed at himself (snicker , but that he doesn't like it when I am distant after he's been snippy to me LOL.

 

I know that to many of you who responded my husband was really being an SOB, but when I read back over things later, I realize also that I am still mirroring the verbal and emotional abuse my dad put me through as a kid - so that on the very rare occassions that my hubby gets crabby, the words he uses really push my emotional buttons and I go right back into " I can never do anything right " kind of despair - when the poor guy was only just complaining about the wet dishrag, not my worth as a human being.  I feel like a retard for still going through this in my FORTIES ... I mean, the times are much fewer than they used to be (it took my 1st husband about 5 years to convince me that none of his compliments had a hidden " barb " in them) ... but still...  maybe I can try the emotional release tapping?  Because I really hate finding out later that I had a hugely inappropriate emotional reaction to someone ... very embarrassing  

 

Maybe the biggest triumph of the weekend was that I did NOT spend hours/days feeling like a martyr and a waste of space in the universe, while sneaking food every time I was alone in the kitchen!!!!!  guess we have to take or victories as they come LOL

 

thanks again,

Mikki

[Guest guest]

Mikki- you are not alone. My issues are with a perfectionist mom, and I'm starting to see just how much anxiety losing my friend Kara in third grade to drowning has affected my life. I definitely eat out of anxiety, and at my last marriage counseling appointment I learned how to breathe through it. My husband doesn't intentionally hurt me emotionally, but he definitely lacks empathy. Today we were disagreeing on the day's plans when he got loud with me.... I used my breathing techniques from OUR counselor to get through the anxiety, and apparently he was bothered by it. He turned on the radio to cover up hearing me, I asked him to turn it down because this also causes me anxiety. He just ignored me, which is another source of anxiety. So I plugged my ears and hummed some sort of mantra until he finally turned it off. NOPE, not a single, "are you ok honey?" That would be too helpful. I bought some smaller pants today, as most of my summer ones are too big. I hope that feeling comfortable will ease some anxiety as well. These other ones come down without being unzipped. KnoblochSent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. CellularFrom: Martha Behnke Date: Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:23:55 -0400To: <IntuitiveEating_Support >Subject: Re: seriously bad day thanks to everyone for your kind words and support!  It was interesting, I did NOT answer his snippy comments to me and when I saw him again he was as if nothing had happened ... but Saturday we talked a bit and laughed to discover that we both spent Friday afternoon reading up on the Flylady website!  I agreed that it would help me to have the kind of structure that her system provides (for the bits that I do), and HE even admitted that he is the biggest offender in the kitchen, esp once I pointed out that if the kitchen is basically clean when I go down in the early morning, it's easy for me to SEE and FIX any little things that could be done while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew... but if it's a giant mess I'm likely to overlook the 1 or 2 things that *I* left out. So we agreed to focus on getting the kitchen and living room tidy in the evening, and to each have a helpful attitude towards each other and not get stuck in the " I'll pick up *my* dirty glass but *he* can put away his own dirty plate " kind of cycle...  Then he spent most of the weekend working on " honey-do " projects, which is his way of apologizing.  So, I've learned something here.  If he says things that are hurtful or annoying, and I immediately get defensive and confrontational, we tend to end up in a huge fight.  BUT if I let it " sit " for a little while, I can communicate my real issues MUCH more effectively (as well as own the portions of the issue that ARE mine!), and he ALSO has a chance to sit with what happened and when we " come to the table " he is not feeling self-righteous and has had a chance to realize that not only are his complaints partially directed at himself (snicker , but that he doesn't like it when I am distant after he's been snippy to me LOL.  I know that to many of you who responded my husband was really being an SOB, but when I read back over things later, I realize also that I am still mirroring the verbal and emotional abuse my dad put me through as a kid - so that on the very rare occassions that my hubby gets crabby, the words he uses really push my emotional buttons and I go right back into " I can never do anything right " kind of despair - when the poor guy was only just complaining about the wet dishrag, not my worth as a human being.  I feel like a retard for still going through this in my FORTIES ... I mean, the times are much fewer than they used to be (it took my 1st husband about 5 years to convince me that none of his compliments had a hidden " barb " in them) ... but still...  maybe I can try the emotional release tapping?  Because I really hate finding out later that I had a hugely inappropriate emotional reaction to someone ... very embarrassing    Maybe the biggest triumph of the weekend was that I did NOT spend hours/days feeling like a martyr and a waste of space in the universe, while sneaking food every time I was alone in the kitchen!!!!!  guess we have to take or victories as they come LOL  thanks again,Mikki