Wow, big emotional stuff coming up

[Guest guest]

As you may remember, I've started working through the " 4 day win " book, which like Intuitive Eating, has you get in touch with the reasons and emotions that drive us to eat for non-hunger reasons.  Well, something very big has come up this morning.  I wrote a VERY long blog post - here - http://mikki-ie.blogspot.com/ for anyone who wants to brave the whole thing , but here are some excerpts that I think are really starting to get to the core of my over-eating and why I'm having such a hard time coming back to normal eating patterns.

 

" Something happened this morning with Bill, a pattern that I'm really sick of and need to work through. I can't know what is going on in his mind, but I can at least sort out mine... "   

to summarize, I have bronchitis and was up most of the night, so decided to stay home sick and slept through the morning routine (note, I work 7-3 so Bill normally does the morning routine by himself).  this morning, Braedon missed the bus.  I heard the commotion, came down to see what was going on and Bill said he had to hurry and get ready so he could take Braedon to school.  I offered to finish tidying up the kitchen and living room so he could get ready.  When he came downstairs, he was really angry and told me as he brushed by me " you are just FULL of FAIL this morning " .  I have no idea what he's mad about, and he hasn't responded to my e-mail asking what was wrong.

 

" Since I don't actually know what HE thinks is wrong, I am more interested in my own reactions to the event and, in a bigger context, figure out how it all fits into my feelings of profound unhappiness about these episodes ... I have a long history of over-reacting to emotional events (specifically the disapproval of the male authority figure in my life) and of not trusting my reactions and knowing if I was really wrong...

In order to do that, unfortunately, I think I have to go back to the schlock of my childhood. My dad was frequently (always?) depressed, and very unpredictable in his moods. He could be joking around one minute and have me backed up against the wall snarling at me the next, with no rhyme or reason for it. Of course as a child I always believed him that it was my fault. He also took sadistic pleasure in teasing me and saying sarcastic, poisoned comments so that even what sounded like a compliment always had a hidden " gotcha " in it. He'd get me good and primed, walking on eggshells, tense as a bowstring, and had a good old time making some small, SEEMINGLY innocent comment that tied back to a previous slam or criticism, and I'd run off in hysterical tears and cry in my bedroom for hours because I didn't understand why my Daddy hated me and wanted to hurt me. I remember this happening from the time I was about 6...My mom never intervened, never saved me. She'd come in after a while and rub my back and defend him and say he really didn't mean it. Beyond that, my older sister was brilliant and shared many interests with him, they were best buddies and he was always nice to HER. "

 

" So... it's pretty easy to see how my childhood set me up to not trust men and not trust myself. I also think it's somehow relevent that I've never really been alone, without a boyfriend. I never once went " looking " for a boyfriend, in fact I fantasized about just being ME by myself and only answering to myself. but somehow, there was always someone wonderful right around the corner when the old relationship went bad...I've never, ever, truly been emotionally on my own, responsible for my own happiness, my own life... there was always a man holding the basket with my heart in it... It sounds unbearably corny ... but it appears that I've never gotten over trying desperately to get my broken daddy to love me. I've always put so much of myself trying to please the man I'm with and simultaneously resenting all the energy required to do what I think will make them happy ...

 

THIS is the part that is MY problem to fix. I see that I MUST take responsibility for my own emotional life and happiness and not let it depend solely on whether my husband is happy with what I do for him. (I'm sure he doesn't see it that way at all! These are my thoughts)...But I can't see past the fog of fear that descends every time my Authority Male is Displeased with me, to figure out which is which. Geez, no wonder I eat for comfort and have bad dreams.

Now I'm left to wonder, how do I heal myself?