Some Epiphanies

[Guest guest]

I had some epiphanies last night (and now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with them.)  I have been in this strangely apathetic place about my weight.  I was a size 4 last summer, and now I'm a size 8, and it is just tearing me up because I know how to do this and I have been a success at IE for so long, but I can't seem to bring myself to do what it is I need to do - like I don't care.  Usually, if I felt any difference of my weight of just a few pounds, it would be enough to make me take a look and fix whatever it was I was doing (pay more attention, etc.) and I would focus on it more intensely.  I just couldn't figure out how I could be relaxed about my weight for so long (it had become a non-issue really), and then suddenly feel like I have some issues to deal with again, and then be apathetic or unfocused about it.  It has been frustrating to say the least.

I realized last night as I journaled, that I have some things that have either shown up in my life that are hard to cope with or situations I haven't come to grips with that are taking my attention and energies away from being able to focus truly on IE and my weight.  Without boring you too much, I can explain some of them in a nutshell only because I need to figure out how to now cope with some of this.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago.  It was a devastating diagnosis and at the time was considered inoperable.  It has been a long two years of surgeries and fighting this thing as a family and now her cancer is back - she has multiple nodules in her pleural lining.  It doesn't look good and I'm just so sad.  We find out a course of treatment this week.  At the same time, I just found out my sister who recently had a baby, was just rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to stop uncontrolled bleeding.  I had no idea this happened to her, and she still hasn't called me back because she is recovering (but I know she is now ok), but it was the thing that tipped the whole thing for me stress-wise.  On top of this, my husband and I have been in a valley that I think we are just coming out of now, which is good, but it has been difficult.  Then add to that that someone stole my account information at my bank (it was a hacking job so I wasn't the only victim), but I have some cleaning up to do which takes time and energy.  And for the minor stuff, I have had multiple major ant attacks in my kitchen this week, so all the dishes had to be removed from the cabinets and I had to basically wash all my dishes and wash out cabinets this week (not in my gameplan) TWICE because the darn ants kept returning.  These were the things that rocked the boat.

On top of that, I have had some clutter issues that I just haven't had the energy or time to conquer.  I also live far away from town (our choice) because we thought living in the country would be a wonderful thing.  In many ways it is, but I also have all my friends and activities in town, so with the commute, I find I have even less time.  On top of that, we made a change to send 1 son to private school this year, so I work 3 mornings a week to pay for that, so I have even less time, as really those 15 hours add up to more than that with the commute.  On top of that, we are planning on switching our other son to another school in town because all the California budget cuts have decimated our current school's ability to give a top notch education, so I know I will have more driving.  And on top of that, I have been trying to get a handle on some health issues for myself (fatigue related) and some financial goals as well.

My epiphany - I realized how can I possibly focus on weight with all that going on?  My attention is so divided.  I don't really know how to move forward with this and some of these things are going to be on-going and difficult.  Thanks for letting me get that out there.  I know this is a place where people understand the valleys.  What I really want is to be able to be 'free' to focus on my weight, but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.  Thanks for listening.