Why am I so sad!!!

[Guest guest]

Dear All

I have got to get through loads of posts tonight. i need to do this

one first before Darren gets back from the hospital!!

Today was supposed to be the most special day of the year, for us

all really, especially after the 16th Dec, to have her still here

and looking good was all and more than we could have dreamed of.

SO WHY HAVE I SPENT ALL DAY SECRETLY CRYING, AND AT EVERY

OPPORTUNITY.

I feel that all my other childrens birthdays always take me back to

that day in hospital that very moment they come into the world, all

the precious little things you will never forget, the weight the

time, the head circumference, the first feed,every year one of them

gets older i am so happy and that day floods back with millions of

happy memories. And I have a huge feeling of wow i did that I gave

birth and grew and nutured her,

TODAY HAS BEEN AWFUL, I HAVE HAD TO HIDE MY FEELINGS FROM MY KIDS

AND DAZ.

We took the girls at 6am to the ward to do balloons and banners

before school then i stayed with her alone whilst Daz got them back,

then he came back so i could get to college, then i went back so he

could have a break and so on.

But all day I kept thinking back to her birth i could not muster any

happyness just sadness, pity, sorrow, I knew the instance she was

born something wasnt right, but they all kept reasurring me, a

mother knows these things , intuition, i had carried three others, I

feel robbed of this day, because we all cried this day all day, so I

can not visualise any smiles from Darren or the girls just pain

etched on faces, and then I declined to see visitors for two whole

weeks, because every day went from bad to worse.

I just want this day over quickly, even all your lovely bithday

wishes made me feel sad, is this the norm???

Will every birthday feel like this one???

I dont think this evening has helped, last year I enrolled for a

counselling course to strengthen my University application and it

was the first lecture tonight, and that left me feeling sad as well,

I dont know about learning to counsel i think I need some myself!!

Right thats this one out the way I have to get normal Daz due home

soon, and we can not sleep at the heart ward she is on they said

they dont have the room, because they have squashed two babies in

the most teeniest cupboard!!!!

Lesley x