OT: funny 60 mins

[Guest guest]

Subject: Fw: 60 mins

1. Andy Rooney on :

Can you believe it? turned 28 this week. It seems like only

yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands

and knees.

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2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

" Vegetarian " - that's an old Indian word meaning " lousy hunter " .

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3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each

prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks, I'd take a few prisoners

into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think

they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate

electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can sit in the chair

that's hooked up to the generator.

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4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then

I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under

their breath, " Married! " and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our

wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But,

it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

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5. Andy Rooney on morning differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the

morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

And the woman is thinking, " How can he want me the way I look in the

morning? " Simple, it's because we can't see you. We have no blood

anywhere near our optic nerve.

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6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?

Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say " I don't

know. " It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting " I don't

know. " I guess sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're

not sure about. People like that probably call up phone sex lines for

$2.95 to say, " I'm not in the mood. "

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7. Andy Rooney on cripes:

My wife is from Minnesota. They have very nice people there; very

wholesome. They use words like " cripes, " as in " for cripes sake. "

Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of " Gosh " of the church of the

" Holy Moly " ? Understand, I'm not making fun of it. You think

I wanna burn in " heck? "

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8. Andy Rooney on Grandma.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, " Sexy Senior

Citizen. " You don't want to think of your grandmother that

way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests? Makes you wonder where she

got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

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9. Andy Rooney on answering machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny upbeat messages on someone's answering

machine? " Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right

now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Be positive and

share the love. " BEEP. Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking

of

being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.

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