Wouldn't it be GREAT

[Guest guest]

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR The PRESIDENT GIVE THE

FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since

congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission

in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete

removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete

within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two

lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our

side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom,

Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed

there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of

the worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be

distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by

saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List

2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first

year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The

American people are no longer going to pour money into third world

Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the

future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money

toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that

note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt

you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the

earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe

China. To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a

peace deal now. Just note that Camp is closed. Maybe all of you

can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there.

Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic

relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help,

comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I

have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN

diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid

parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded

and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You

have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or

watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of

the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. A special note to

our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a

lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off

for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire

corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a

couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I

am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with

your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA

treaty ---starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time

for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will

accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying, " darn tootin. "

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the

world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on

the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to

eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup

Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks

guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final

thought. Drop dead. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you

can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank

a soldier.