The terrible thing that happened yesterday

[Guest guest]

I'm crying. I do cry alot however. We know... we all know. Looking back

now knowing what I should have someone known then I do resent all the happy

mothers who said oh no she's so beautiful it just couldn't be. And yet it

was.

In the past year I have built up a network of a dozen mothers that I call

weekly to check in. How are you I ask? Can I help where are you going what

do you need? If I hadn't had you gals I would have given up. Instead I

battled back. If it wasn't for the support and knowledge that you girls have

given me I don't know if I would have been able to go as far as we have.

In the beginning it felt like the end... but now it's just our own version of

normal.

Hugs to your friend...

[Guest guest]

I do not know what to do. Should I call her and make sure she is

okay? Email her? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her

to feel alone either. And I don't know for sure that it is autism

although....well, you know.

>

> Salli

How sad is this.....

but it sounds like you are friends with

her...I would call her to see how she is

doing...I wish i would have had a friend like

you when jenna was smaller...some one who had

a clue to what was going on...and not brushing

it off, as just a slow learner...

call her...jmo

nancy

[Guest guest]

> I do not know what to do. Should I call her and make sure she is

okay? Email her? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her to

feel alone either. And I don't know for sure that it is autism

although....well, you know.

>

Salli, I would call or email, whichever is more fitting for your

relationship with her. I wouldn't push the issue of having him

tested, just test the waters and see if she needs a shoulder.

Tina

[Guest guest]

Salli, I would call her. She needs someone who can talk her though this. Not

someone that is going to just send her to someone else. You would be a

friend that she needs now. And then you will always be someone who will be

there for her and she will understand that.

So I would call.

Lori

-- The terrible thing that happened yesterday

A friend named Grace called. She wanted to come over. I hadn't seen her in

nearly three years when I helped her solve some nursing problems with her

five week old baby.

She had been trying to get pregnant for years and years with no success and

so I was very happy for her when she finally conceived. I was happy to help

her with her nursing problems.

Grace was a colleague of Lou's in the English department and when she heard

of Lou's embezzlement problems, she wrote to me offering any kind of help

that she could give. I was so touched by her letter. However, it took me

some time to answer it, and so, when I did, I wrote her a very long letter,

sending her pictures of the kids and a Putter motorcycle.

I explained in detail about Putter's autism and how it caused problems with

Lou and I. I described how Putter had behaved, the lack of speech and eye

contact, etc., and said to her that she could probably look at her own child

and see that these behaviors of his were not normal.

Oh dear.

She wrote back. She said that her son, Joe, did not talk much, but she didn

t make it sound too bad. She said that when she added up all his words they

were really pretty many.

I wrote back again, telling her about normal and abnormal speech development

I told her that there should be no loss of either receptive or expressive

language. In her next note, I could tell that she was pretty knowledgeable

about autism.

Yesterday, she called and asked if she could drop by. I was expecting no

more than a friendly visit, in fact, I hardly registered that she was

bringing little Joe along with her.

Well, you all probably know what I saw. Joe came in and immediately led his

mother -- by the hand, using her hand to do things -- around to all my light

switches. " He always does this, " Grace explained, " He wants all the lights

on. I try to explain about electricity bills... "

I have given explanations like this too. I laughed and said, " Kids are weird

"

I couldn't take my eyes off Joe. I kept trying to not see what I was seeing.

I did tell her that hand leading was a typical autistic behavior, but I

pointed out that it was also a typical non-verbal behavior.

We talked about Putter. I told her all about his development and how fun and

interesting and intelligent he was. I watched Joe the whole time. While we

talked, Joe moved his mother's hand to a railroad crossing signal on our toy

train set, and had her pick it up and give it to him. Then he sat and

flicked the signal up and down. Over and over and over again.

He tried to slide down a small toy slide that we have in that room. But he

was awkward going up, seemed to lack a strong sense of where he was. He

pulled his mother's hand to help him.

Whenever he took her hand, he did not look at her.

All I heard him say were repeated syllables, the same over and over again,

and " No! "

Sophie came home from school and wandered around. Joe pulled his mother's

hand over to a helicopter and pushed her hand at it. " You want this? " she

asked and gave it to him. He sat and spun the helicopter rotors around. Over

and over and over again.

I glanced back. Sophie was standing in the doorway watching Joe. Her face

looked dreamy and somber. " Mama? " she whispered to me. I went to her. " Is

that little boy autistic? " she asked me.

Oh, great. An eight year old knows. And the mother does not yet know.

Of course, I had to say something. I resent every person who knew and did

not tell me. I shut my eyes for a second and said, as gently as I could say

the terrible words, " Grace. Sophie just asked if Joe was autistic. "

Grace's chin dropped to her chest as if she had been hit. I could tell she

was trying not to cry. I added quickly, " You know, I know autism very well.

But there are things that mimic autism and I do not know those. I am not

qualified to diagnose a child with autism, but I do think you should have

him evaluated. " I got her a pamphlet with some phone numbers to call.

We talked for a long time about what Joe's life might be like, but she was

utterly devastated. She is probably only a year or two younger than me, in

her mid-forties and I imagine this will be her only child.

I do not know what to do. Should I call her and make sure she is okay? Email

her? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her to feel alone either.

And I don't know for sure that it is autism although....well, you know.

Salli

[Guest guest]

>In the past year I have built up a network of a dozen mothers that I

call weekly to check in. How are you I ask? Can I help where are

you going what do you need? If I hadn't had you gals I would have

given up. Instead I battled back. If it wasn't for the support and

knowledge that you girls have given me I don't know if I would have

been able to go as far as we have.<

Maybe reaching out to more mothers will help me stop feel so g-ddamn

sorry for myself sometimes...That's really what I'm lacking - a

network. Glad I found this list.

- , Sam and Max's mom

[Guest guest]

Ironically, a woman I know called today (she has twins a year younger

than mine) and asked me if she should jump her pediatrician and bring

her twins to the neurologist to be checked out. I knew her twins have

just started receiving early intervention services for development

delays - but felt wholly unqualified to guide her. We've only had

our diagnosis since September - who the hell am I to dispense

advice. I told her about CHAT - and where to find a copy online and

basically said, if in doubt, GO TO THE NEUROLOGIST.

It was funky - i didn't want to scare her, but I sure as hell wished

I had someone to call a year ago when I was questioning their

behavior. I scared her. I'll work on my tact.

- , Sam and Max's mom - way to tired to be tactful today.

[Guest guest]

Oh, Salli, how sad! But you know you did what you needed to do. I

still almost hate the people who told me (after dx) that they always

thought Brandt was autistic. What the hell? And Never said a word

to me? Is that a friend? You owed it to Joe's mom as a friend to

tell her your suspicions. She may have a hard time talking to you

for a while, but I would e-mail her and make myself available to

her. She is going to need someone who has been there to talk to.

And chances are, her dh is going to be even more resistant of the

idea than she is. Men just don't seem to " know " like we do, maybe

they aren't with the kids enough. You would be a excellent source of

information for her. And when she needs to talk, some of us here

would be glad to tell her about our kids. Louisa's web site is

excellent for some information that is personal. ((((Salli))))

Thanks for the Xmas card, by the way. We are trying to make the big

move (30 miles, but a full house move nontheless) on Monday, Dec.

23rd, so I haven't been good about sending things out. Happy

Holidays to all! Leggs

[Guest guest]

Salli,

I think you should call her up and ask her if she had been suspecting

something was up with him. She did ask you about Putter....I think she had

a clue. You can also let her know that you are available if she has any

questions or needs any support (assuming you have time to do so). You can

always reassure her that you could be wrong (even though it doesn't sound

like it) if she sounds pretty freaked out.

FWIW I think you did the right thing.

Sue

[Guest guest]

I agree with whoever said to contact her in whatever way you have been

corresponding more. I started the process on getting Matt tested because a

woman I had just met and had an autistic son was brave enough to ask me if I

suspected it. I probably would have just kept telling myself he was speech

delayed and a bit, well, odd. Thank goodness she said something, and now

he's going to school and getting what he needs. Please let us know what

happens.

You're a good friend to be concerned about her and her feelings.

ellen

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