-- re: how to get others to listen?

[Guest guest]

, it has to be quite a deep concern for

you if doesn’t seem to listen to his doctors (or you).

obviously has a passionate vested

interest in his dad (what with his offering up his liver’s right lobe to

save him!) Their bond was always a really good one, but much, much

tighter since the 12-7-01 transplant. So there are times when will

check in with me about his dad… he will touch base after every transplant

clinic visit, inquire after every colonoscopy… and naturally, we sometimes

chitchat about how his Dad might not always be in medical compliance about this

or that… e.g., Jim is absolutely religious now about standing in the

shade, wearing a hat & proper clothing while out in the sun, & using

sunscreen… but that wasn’t always the case. Heck, now, he even

does the yardwork after sundown!

Like I said, that wasn’t always the

case, though. One of Jim’s dermatologists once (privately) admitted

to me that statistically, he lost 25% of all his transplantees to (ultimately) a

skin cancer death. Scary statistics, until you realize this dermatologist

had spent most of his career at a transplanting hospital, so I suppose his statistics

were a bit skewed? Anyhoo, whenever I would bring the subject up (of Jim’s

noncompliance with sun exposure policy for transplantees), he would get very

angry & accuse me of “not being supportive” (excuse me?!?

Then why am I in this support group?!?) We both chuckle about it now, as

we both comment to each other on how HARD I had to work to keep him alive…

the stinker! :-)

So, any guess as to what finally transformed

Jim into 100% compliance regarding sun exposure? Long ago at a transplant

clinic visit to USC, the hepatologist running clinic that day also happened to

be the hepatologist who was assigned to evaluate for living donorship.

When this doctor learned Jim wasn’t being meticulous about daily

sunscreen use (critically important for immunosuppressed transplantees, because

they’re so susceptible to skin cancer… same as vulnerability to

many other cancers), this mild-mannered, Kent type blew his top and started swearing

at Jim. The doctor’s point: “THAT’S how you are

treating your son’s gift?!?” Ultimately, Jim thanked the

doctor for “driving the point home.” And ever since then, Jim

has made the conscious decision to be really, really fastidiously compliant

about sun exposure. I wish every issue of post-transplant concern could

be as deftly handled, but no.

The last time I reminded myself (out loud…

just one of those times when I was mumbling to myself) how “change comes from

within,” overheard me. You know what he said? “Change

comes from within, with direction from without.” He could be right,

because sometimes, a simple “Hey!! Respect my gift!!” will do the

trick, said either face-to-face with a twinkle in ’s eye, or with an

emoticon wink in a son-to-father e-mail. I don’t communicate every

last lil concern to , mind you, but Jim is REALLY good about trying to

listen to our son.

So here’s to you (or anyone else) in

’s life finding “the way” to get him to listen to the common-sense,

collective voice of reason. And if he still does not listen, then I dunno…

I guess you can’t beat yourselves up that he didn’t?

Hopefully the colectomy will, as you said,

do the trick, and, as the doctor hopes, will get to a place where he’s

feeling much, much better.

All the best,

Maureen ( & Jim)