The terrible thing that happened yesterday

[Guest guest]

A friend named Grace called. She wanted to come over. I hadn't seen her in

nearly three years when I helped her solve some nursing problems with her five

week old baby.

She had been trying to get pregnant for years and years with no success and so I

was very happy for her when she finally conceived. I was happy to help her with

her nursing problems.

Grace was a colleague of Lou's in the English department and when she heard of

Lou's embezzlement problems, she wrote to me offering any kind of help that she

could give. I was so touched by her letter. However, it took me some time to

answer it, and so, when I did, I wrote her a very long letter, sending her

pictures of the kids and a Putter motorcycle.

I explained in detail about Putter's autism and how it caused problems with Lou

and I. I described how Putter had behaved, the lack of speech and eye contact,

etc., and said to her that she could probably look at her own child and see that

these behaviors of his were not normal.

Oh dear.

She wrote back. She said that her son, Joe, did not talk much, but she didn't

make it sound too bad. She said that when she added up all his words they were

really pretty many.

I wrote back again, telling her about normal and abnormal speech development. I

told her that there should be no loss of either receptive or expressive

language. In her next note, I could tell that she was pretty knowledgeable

about autism.

Yesterday, she called and asked if she could drop by. I was expecting no more

than a friendly visit, in fact, I hardly registered that she was bringing little

Joe along with her.

Well, you all probably know what I saw. Joe came in and immediately led his

mother -- by the hand, using her hand to do things -- around to all my light

switches. " He always does this, " Grace explained, " He wants all the lights on.

I try to explain about electricity bills... "

I have given explanations like this too. I laughed and said, " Kids are weird. "

I couldn't take my eyes off Joe. I kept trying to not see what I was seeing. I

did tell her that hand leading was a typical autistic behavior, but I pointed

out that it was also a typical non-verbal behavior.

We talked about Putter. I told her all about his development and how fun and

interesting and intelligent he was. I watched Joe the whole time. While we

talked, Joe moved his mother's hand to a railroad crossing signal on our toy

train set, and had her pick it up and give it to him. Then he sat and flicked

the signal up and down. Over and over and over again.

He tried to slide down a small toy slide that we have in that room. But he was

awkward going up, seemed to lack a strong sense of where he was. He pulled his

mother's hand to help him.

Whenever he took her hand, he did not look at her.

All I heard him say were repeated syllables, the same over and over again, and

" No! "

Sophie came home from school and wandered around. Joe pulled his mother's hand

over to a helicopter and pushed her hand at it. " You want this? " she asked and

gave it to him. He sat and spun the helicopter rotors around. Over and over

and over again.

I glanced back. Sophie was standing in the doorway watching Joe. Her face

looked dreamy and somber. " Mama? " she whispered to me. I went to her. " Is

that little boy autistic? " she asked me.

Oh, great. An eight year old knows. And the mother does not yet know.

Of course, I had to say something. I resent every person who knew and did not

tell me. I shut my eyes for a second and said, as gently as I could say the

terrible words, " Grace. Sophie just asked if Joe was autistic. "

Grace's chin dropped to her chest as if she had been hit. I could tell she was

trying not to cry. I added quickly, " You know, I know autism very well. But

there are things that mimic autism and I do not know those. I am not qualified

to diagnose a child with autism, but I do think you should have him evaluated. "

I got her a pamphlet with some phone numbers to call.

We talked for a long time about what Joe's life might be like, but she was

utterly devastated. She is probably only a year or two younger than me, in her

mid-forties and I imagine this will be her only child.

I do not know what to do. Should I call her and make sure she is okay? Email

her? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her to feel alone either. And

I don't know for sure that it is autism although....well, you know.

Salli

[Guest guest]

Well, that makes my dishwasher problem seem quite trivial, doesn't it?

*sigh*

I'd give her a couple of days, Salli, then call her...

Penny

[Guest guest]

IMHO- I think she knows. Why else would she have dropped by? You did

the right thing.

Angie

> -- The terrible thing that happened

yesterday

>

> A friend named Grace called. She wanted to come over. I hadn't seen

her in

> nearly three years when I helped her solve some nursing problems

with her

> five week old baby.

>

> She had been trying to get pregnant for years and years with no

success and

> so I was very happy for her when she finally conceived. I was happy

to help

> her with her nursing problems.

>

> Grace was a colleague of Lou's in the English department and when

she heard

> of Lou's embezzlement problems, she wrote to me offering any kind

of help

> that she could give. I was so touched by her letter. However, it

took me

> some time to answer it, and so, when I did, I wrote her a very long

letter,

> sending her pictures of the kids and a Putter motorcycle.

>

> I explained in detail about Putter's autism and how it caused

problems with

> Lou and I. I described how Putter had behaved, the lack of speech

and eye

> contact, etc., and said to her that she could probably look at her

own child

> and see that these behaviors of his were not normal.

>

> Oh dear.

>

> She wrote back. She said that her son, Joe, did not talk much, but

she didn

> t make it sound too bad. She said that when she added up all his

words they

> were really pretty many.

>

> I wrote back again, telling her about normal and abnormal speech

development

> I told her that there should be no loss of either receptive or

expressive

> language. In her next note, I could tell that she was pretty

knowledgeable

> about autism.

>

> Yesterday, she called and asked if she could drop by. I was

expecting no

> more than a friendly visit, in fact, I hardly registered that she

was

> bringing little Joe along with her.

>

> Well, you all probably know what I saw. Joe came in and immediately

led his

> mother -- by the hand, using her hand to do things -- around to all

my light

> switches. " He always does this, " Grace explained, " He wants all the

lights

> on. I try to explain about electricity bills... "

>

> I have given explanations like this too. I laughed and said, " Kids

are weird

> "

>

> I couldn't take my eyes off Joe. I kept trying to not see what I

was seeing.

> I did tell her that hand leading was a typical autistic behavior,

but I

> pointed out that it was also a typical non-verbal behavior.

>

> We talked about Putter. I told her all about his development and

how fun and

> interesting and intelligent he was. I watched Joe the whole time.

While we

> talked, Joe moved his mother's hand to a railroad crossing signal

on our toy

> train set, and had her pick it up and give it to him. Then he sat

and

> flicked the signal up and down. Over and over and over again.

>

> He tried to slide down a small toy slide that we have in that room.

But he

> was awkward going up, seemed to lack a strong sense of where he

was. He

> pulled his mother's hand to help him.

>

> Whenever he took her hand, he did not look at her.

>

> All I heard him say were repeated syllables, the same over and over

again,

> and " No! "

>

> Sophie came home from school and wandered around. Joe pulled his

mother's

> hand over to a helicopter and pushed her hand at it. " You want

this? " she

> asked and gave it to him. He sat and spun the helicopter rotors

around. Over

> and over and over again.

>

> I glanced back. Sophie was standing in the doorway watching Joe.

Her face

> looked dreamy and somber. " Mama? " she whispered to me. I went to

her. " Is

> that little boy autistic? " she asked me.

>

> Oh, great. An eight year old knows. And the mother does not yet

know.

>

> Of course, I had to say something. I resent every person who knew

and did

> not tell me. I shut my eyes for a second and said, as gently as I

could say

> the terrible words, " Grace. Sophie just asked if Joe was autistic. "

>

> Grace's chin dropped to her chest as if she had been hit. I could

tell she

> was trying not to cry. I added quickly, " You know, I know autism

very well.

> But there are things that mimic autism and I do not know those. I

am not

> qualified to diagnose a child with autism, but I do think you

should have

> him evaluated. " I got her a pamphlet with some phone numbers to

call.

>

> We talked for a long time about what Joe's life might be like, but

she was

> utterly devastated. She is probably only a year or two younger than

me, in

> her mid-forties and I imagine this will be her only child.

>

> I do not know what to do. Should I call her and make sure she is

okay? Email

> her? I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want her to feel alone

either.

> And I don't know for sure that it is autism although....well, you

know.

>

> Salli

>

>

>