in god we'd rust

[Guest guest]

this is by no means suggested as an attack on the aa or na or the oa

on the contrary i hold what the aa na etc have done in the last 40?

years as a role model and pioneer in our quest for trying to live a

sober life in our ever changing world. i appreciate whoheartedly the

efforts of so many many men and women who tried their best to help

thru counseling and dedication to 'change' the millions of people

and 'cure' them from their so called 'desease'.to say that their

efforts were valiant would be an understatement.many aa and na

counselors are at this very minute dedicating their lives to helping

a fellow alcoholic or fellow cokeie or fellow junkie or fellow

cigarette smoker, but few are getting thru to the dependent who is in

limbo sitting in front of them but just cant wait for the moment no

one is looking to throw themselves right back into the hell they came

from.

many counselors themselves and i know not a few who are are on an

extended vacation in limbo too having survived a year or two sober

and living on the edge of the 12 steps themselves who we find

sometimes go back to alcohol or drugs with a vengance that is

sometimes fatal.

a tip for parents talking to their kids counselors...if they smoke

excessively or drink more coffee than you normaly would, that is a

sign of a counselor that still needs help.that counselor may have

kicked the drug habit(although chain smoking is a sign of drug use)

but they have not kicked the cigarette habit which to me is a sign of

weakness that is indicative of the drug and alcohol user.

i would like to compare the 12 steps revisited to martin luter kings

protestantinism.

the 12 steps can work but they badly are in need of revision if they

are to survive.

the 12 steps need to delete the word god and prayer from its credo

and it will work better.

the 12 steps need a major paradigm shift.

the 12 steps revisited will make a soberlife easier for many but

will also be rejected by many who would rather stay in the hell that

they are in rather than say that they helped themselves.these poor

souls are so afraid of thinking that they would rather stay living in

hell for fear of going there after they die.that thought of hell is

so strong that the hell they are living in in the present pales in

comparison so they continue to keep living in it.

i am a product of the 12 steps and owe my life to the fear of the law

that was forced on me after being caught not once but twice in

posession of a controled substance,once i was buying a 20$ rock on

the street and the petty street dealer was under surveillance (the

cops get their kicks arresting street kids and earning brownie points

while turning a blind eye to the drug lords) and the second time

believe it or not i was enjoying the sunrise on the great pacific

ocean in my brand new fire engine red mercedes benz 560 sel

convertible fire engine red palomino tan interior parked along the

great highway by the san francisco zoo...having my LAST fix ...make

that sharing my last fix w/ my oldest buddy who had not hit up heroin

for almost 2 years(he switched to coke).... before heading for

duffy's rehab in calistoga.

i hit up and gave him the rest of the heroin and cotton in the

cooker....this was my last fix that i was sharing before heading for

a week of withdrawal symptoms that were heavy on my mind...what i

didnt know was how many valiums he had taken prior to seeing me at

the crack of dawn after an all night 8 ball w/ his wife. he had

hardly shot the mixture of blood and heroin up his vein when his eyes

rolled up and he froze.and nothing i could do (i slapped him a couple

of times and screamed at him and woke up a sleepy seagull who had

hovered by the side of the car....i could not wake him up from his

nod.

did i mention that he was also sitting in the drivers seat? i didnt ?

well earlier when i passed by his house to say goodbye and knew i

wanted to hit up one LAST time on my way to clean out for the LAST

time...he begged me to turn him on to only the cotton just so as he

could get a little taste and made and excuse to his wife that we were

heading for the liquor store by the zoo to get some more vodka.and he

begged me to drive my brand new car to the liquor store and back.

im telling u all this in detail because that is one of the major

incidents that changed my life.

we never saw the liquor store , we drove straight to the parking by

the beach on great highway and i was cooking in a minute.

so there i was stuck in my car w/ a 250 lb buddy nodding out on my

steering wheel.

the only thing i could think of was to walk around the car and pull

him out of the drivers seat and drag him around to the passengers

side.

as i was almost by the passengers door having dragged 250 lbs of dead

weight around the shiny red benz , i look around and see a one of

those dreaded black and white or was a a green and white ford ltd's

with a smiling park ranger saying " need any help there? "

to make a long story short he called the cops and the paramedics they

book us in the bryant st hotel in downtown for the weekend and not

before taking us for 4 grueling hours to san francisco general to

pump out my nodding friend while i was chained to a stretcher waiting

for all this nightmare to end.

to make a long story short they threw the book at me cause this was

my second offence and also because i think they thought i was a big

time drug dealer what w/ the brand new mercedes benz and the savings

a coount passbook i was caryingh that had 80k in it...i got 60 days

community service and six months NA meetings.

and as much as i had dreaded getting up at 5 am to be at the sherrifs

work alternative program the swap..i dreaded the NA meetings even

more.it was evident that half everyone there was there because they

HAD to be there and did not really want to be there. the other half

who were there were clearly bullshiiters who were faking their way

thru the program somehow and so we had a mixture of people who were

there also cause they were hoping to score or deal or get picked up

or pick someone up...the junkies ideal fantasy was to be picked up

and turned on by some beautiful rich bitch who was going to the same

program)

That never happened to me although i was half wishing it would.I did

get propositioned by a very nice gay junkie but i passed.

the Narcotics anonymous was one of the most hypocritical programs

that i went thru...the one prior to that which i got the first time i

got busted for crack cocaine on the street was not hypocritical at

all in fact the director of the drug diversion clinic i got just

asked me to pay him cash for the course and he would just say that i

had attended and graduated.

i was longing to do that w/ the NA.

the picking up garbage along the bay area freeways was not as

humiliating and agonizing to go to experience for me as the NA

meetings.

( you remember seeing those guys in orange reflector vests and hard

hats and industrial gloves picking up trash as you zipped by at 70

mph? you remember that one guy who waved at you once driving along

the embarcadero? that was me)

i dreaded those meeting where i wouldonly be thrown back into the

drug addict circle that i was desperately trying to avoid plus the

fact that i could not get past step one of the 12 steps...with step

two as a roadblock to somone who did not subscribe to a higher power.

[Guest guest]

sounds more like 'fear and loathing in las vegas' - are you really

hunter s thompson?

jan

> this is by no means suggested as an attack on the aa or na or the

oa

> on the contrary i hold what the aa na etc have done in the last 40?

> years as a role model and pioneer in our quest for trying to live a

> sober life in our ever changing world. i appreciate whoheartedly

the

> efforts of so many many men and women who tried their best to help

> thru counseling and dedication to 'change' the millions of people

> and 'cure' them from their so called 'desease'.to say that their

> efforts were valiant would be an understatement.many aa and na

> counselors are at this very minute dedicating their lives to

helping

> a fellow alcoholic or fellow cokeie or fellow junkie or fellow

> cigarette smoker, but few are getting thru to the dependent who is

in

> limbo sitting in front of them but just cant wait for the moment no

> one is looking to throw themselves right back into the hell they

came

> from.

>

> many counselors themselves and i know not a few who are are on an

> extended vacation in limbo too having survived a year or two sober

> and living on the edge of the 12 steps themselves who we find

> sometimes go back to alcohol or drugs with a vengance that is

> sometimes fatal.

> a tip for parents talking to their kids counselors...if they smoke

> excessively or drink more coffee than you normaly would, that is a

> sign of a counselor that still needs help.that counselor may have

> kicked the drug habit(although chain smoking is a sign of drug use)

> but they have not kicked the cigarette habit which to me is a sign

of

> weakness that is indicative of the drug and alcohol user.

>

> i would like to compare the 12 steps revisited to martin luter

kings

> protestantinism.

>

> the 12 steps can work but they badly are in need of revision if

they

> are to survive.

>

> the 12 steps need to delete the word god and prayer from its credo

> and it will work better.

>

> the 12 steps need a major paradigm shift.

>

> the 12 steps revisited will make a soberlife easier for many but

> will also be rejected by many who would rather stay in the hell

that

> they are in rather than say that they helped themselves.these poor

> souls are so afraid of thinking that they would rather stay living

in

> hell for fear of going there after they die.that thought of hell is

> so strong that the hell they are living in in the present pales in

> comparison so they continue to keep living in it.

>

> i am a product of the 12 steps and owe my life to the fear of the

law

> that was forced on me after being caught not once but twice in

> posession of a controled substance,once i was buying a 20$ rock on

> the street and the petty street dealer was under surveillance (the

> cops get their kicks arresting street kids and earning brownie

points

> while turning a blind eye to the drug lords) and the second time

> believe it or not i was enjoying the sunrise on the great pacific

> ocean in my brand new fire engine red mercedes benz 560 sel

> convertible fire engine red palomino tan interior parked along the

> great highway by the san francisco zoo...having my LAST fix ...make

> that sharing my last fix w/ my oldest buddy who had not hit up

heroin

> for almost 2 years(he switched to coke).... before heading for

> duffy's rehab in calistoga.

>

> i hit up and gave him the rest of the heroin and cotton in the

> cooker....this was my last fix that i was sharing before heading

for

> a week of withdrawal symptoms that were heavy on my mind...what i

> didnt know was how many valiums he had taken prior to seeing me at

> the crack of dawn after an all night 8 ball w/ his wife. he had

> hardly shot the mixture of blood and heroin up his vein when his

eyes

> rolled up and he froze.and nothing i could do (i slapped him a

couple

> of times and screamed at him and woke up a sleepy seagull who had

> hovered by the side of the car....i could not wake him up from his

> nod.

>

> did i mention that he was also sitting in the drivers seat? i

didnt ?

> well earlier when i passed by his house to say goodbye and knew i

> wanted to hit up one LAST time on my way to clean out for the LAST

> time...he begged me to turn him on to only the cotton just so as he

> could get a little taste and made and excuse to his wife that we

were

> heading for the liquor store by the zoo to get some more vodka.and

he

> begged me to drive my brand new car to the liquor store and back.

>

> im telling u all this in detail because that is one of the major

> incidents that changed my life.

>

> we never saw the liquor store , we drove straight to the parking by

> the beach on great highway and i was cooking in a minute.

>

> so there i was stuck in my car w/ a 250 lb buddy nodding out on my

> steering wheel.

> the only thing i could think of was to walk around the car and

pull

> him out of the drivers seat and drag him around to the passengers

> side.

>

> as i was almost by the passengers door having dragged 250 lbs of

dead

> weight around the shiny red benz , i look around and see a one of

> those dreaded black and white or was a a green and white ford ltd's

> with a smiling park ranger saying " need any help there? "

>

> to make a long story short he called the cops and the paramedics

they

> book us in the bryant st hotel in downtown for the weekend and not

> before taking us for 4 grueling hours to san francisco general to

> pump out my nodding friend while i was chained to a stretcher

waiting

> for all this nightmare to end.

>

> to make a long story short they threw the book at me cause this was

> my second offence and also because i think they thought i was a big

> time drug dealer what w/ the brand new mercedes benz and the

savings

> a coount passbook i was caryingh that had 80k in it...i got 60 days

> community service and six months NA meetings.

>

> and as much as i had dreaded getting up at 5 am to be at the

sherrifs

> work alternative program the swap..i dreaded the NA meetings even

> more.it was evident that half everyone there was there because they

> HAD to be there and did not really want to be there. the other half

> who were there were clearly bullshiiters who were faking their way

> thru the program somehow and so we had a mixture of people who were

> there also cause they were hoping to score or deal or get picked up

> or pick someone up...the junkies ideal fantasy was to be picked up

> and turned on by some beautiful rich bitch who was going to the

same

> program)

> That never happened to me although i was half wishing it would.I

did

> get propositioned by a very nice gay junkie but i passed.

>

> the Narcotics anonymous was one of the most hypocritical programs

> that i went thru...the one prior to that which i got the first time

i

> got busted for crack cocaine on the street was not hypocritical at

> all in fact the director of the drug diversion clinic i got just

> asked me to pay him cash for the course and he would just say that

i

> had attended and graduated.

>

> i was longing to do that w/ the NA.

>

> the picking up garbage along the bay area freeways was not as

> humiliating and agonizing to go to experience for me as the NA

> meetings.

> ( you remember seeing those guys in orange reflector vests and hard

> hats and industrial gloves picking up trash as you zipped by at 70

> mph? you remember that one guy who waved at you once driving along

> the embarcadero? that was me)

> i dreaded those meeting where i wouldonly be thrown back into the

> drug addict circle that i was desperately trying to avoid plus the

> fact that i could not get past step one of the 12 steps...with step

> two as a roadblock to somone who did not subscribe to a higher

power.