Nilima

[Guest guest]

Dear Nilima:

I am very sorry your boyfriend left you. I too decided about two years ago to

absolutely not have children. I had thought for a long time if I was 35 and no

man in the picture that I would have a child on my own. I am not married but I

know I barely manage to deal with my body, esp my SI joints and pelvis and know

this would be much much worse with pregnancy. I think it is good to be very in

touch with your body and know what is and is not realistic. It is not selfish to

decide you don't want children, it is realistic. In addition to the physical

stuff, I know I personally would feel horrible if I had a child and it had EDS,

maybe even worse than I do and I know this would be an ongoing struggle for me.

Some others may feel if they were blessed with a child, that they would deal

with whatever came. The important thing is giving considerable thought to all

the aspects, as it sounds like you have and look at both the good and the bad

and decide what amount of risk you can deal with. Too often people are blinded

by what they want rather than what bad things may happen with it. I know a lady

who died after having a baby and now the baby has no mother - and has numeous

physical problems, about the worst case scenario. But she thought she wanted a

baby so badly and pooh-poohed everyone's advice about what could happen.

I think you shuold be applauded for making an important decision and standing

your ground. I hope your boyfriend will come around. Even if you decided to have

children, you (or anyone) could have unforseen infertility problems and there

would be no baby. It is your body that has to go through pregnancy and delivery

and then likely you would get the bulk of the child care, at least in the first

year. I know I couldn't manage even just that part. A baby is a wonderful thing

but sometimes people think only about the positive aspects not about a child

that may want to be fed every 2 hours, not sleep through the night for a year,

be sick, etc... A healthly mom can find these things overwhelming and

exhausting. Maybe you would get lucky and have a reasonable pregnancy and

delivery and have a child that sleeps through the night early on. But, maybe

not. It sounds like you have looked at the whole picture and made the decision

that is right for YOU. Better to know what you are or are not able to handle

then to find youreslf in a situation that is too much for you.

Joyce