guidance where/how?

[Guest guest]

I don't really understand what you want to hear. Isn't that tied up in the

'trying' to listen comment?

We all have a basic lack of trust: in FOO, ourselves, God, etc. I believe the

only way to learn to trust is through 1:1 relationships. I am forever grateful

to have a very patient husband of 25 years and that the 2nd therapist I went

to--the one that helped me unravel my FOO issues. She taught me how to parent

myself. I still have to work on my relationships with other women.

I still have problems with authority figures and don't get the whole God issue.

I still use sarcasm in most situations and probably appear standoffish to most

new people I meet. It's easier to fake elitist attitudes then let people see my

vulnerability. And if your NADA was anything like mine, she refused to mingle

with people regularly & was overly self conscious. If her family did anything to

stand out she was horrified. This all helped form who I am, just another fearful

KO trying to undo the damage.

You are not alone, don't forget that--we've all been there. But I really think

you're going to have to find someone to help you learn to trust. Yourself first.

>

> Hi all, I'm beginning to see a lifelong impact on my life of not having good

guidance. I learned early on NOT to trust my nada or FOO because they all had

interests which were not in favor of my well-being. My father was/is NPD so

whatever he'd advise or push for was for his aggrandizement alone. My nada,

well what she wanted was what would help me to help her live the life she

wanted. This half-way worked okay for me when our needs coincided - like me

doing well in school - badly in other areas. My nada's parents were closest to

neutral but they had strong values about staying near family and children

serving parents, always. I learned not to listen, to be incredibly stubborn, to

put my own opinion above others even to an arrogant degree. Sometimes I'd try

to trust an authority like a doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist - they

usually give me bad advice or pills that made me sick. And real life

people...well not such a good track record with trusting them either.

>

> But here's the thing I *know* I'm not some omnipotent omniscient genius. I

make mistakes, plenty of them. And in hindsight I wish I'd known who to turn to

and how to listen when it was the right person at the right time. It doesn't

make this any easier that the primary burden in my life nada/FOO seems to be

incomprehensible to most people.

>

> Has anyone else here struggled with this? thoughts? I'll try to listen

.....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I don't really understand what you want to hear. Isn't that tied up in the

'trying' to listen comment?

>

I've deleted my original post as this isn't a thread that I feel I can respond

to at this time because I've been triggered. Echo, I know you cannot

understand why what you wrote above is triggering to me as you don't know my

history, but it is. I will bet by anyone's reading of it - it is has a bit of

attitude, and it isn't a friendly one.

If someone posts something which is vulnerable for them and I feel that I don't

understand what they need, I don't respond to it. My " trying to listen comment "

was a tongue in cheek way of me saying I realize the irony of asking advice

about how to get good advice. I'd thought the smiley face after made that

obvious...maybe not.

Anyway, I'm taking a break from the board for a few days till my head clears on

this one.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can relate to trying to get by on my own and having trouble trusting others.

How can I trust what others advise when I was so often misled or confused by a

nada and foo I needed so badly?

My family members have a running joke that I'm the hardnosed know it all of the

family, and they have some resentment about it. The funny thing is that I don't

really feel that way or give that off in other situations. I think I just

learned to show a tough exterior and avoid asking their opinions which just drew

fire.

Part of it for me is that I was SUCH a pushover before - the peacemaking,

submissive sort of person. I think standing up to them at all shocked the heck

out of them.

Regarding trust - I do better with acquaintances but have trouble forming closer

relationships. What about you?

[Guest guest]

Hello !

I often think about how my life would be completely different I had any

guidance and I too have a huge problem with trusting other enough to listen

to their advice (even good one)...When I was young I felt completely alone

on a planet of chaotic crazy fools. I too learn not to listen, to be

incredibly stubborn, to put my own opinion above others even to an arrogant

degree. I too met a lot of " good " teachers or doctors or other authorities

and I somehow always find some strange things about them. I found out that

" the best " teacher in the school sexually abuse my friend, the other one (

also the most popular) manipulate with pupils... I found out that the best

doctor or healer in the city is making big mistakes or he or she is a big

fake......

I looks that I have some strange " Carma " with discovering " the best "

authorities to be total disaster:-))...and it was not just my imagination.

Later everybody cames to the same conclusion....Not to mention

psychotherapists or psychiatrist in my country......with few exception

total disaster ( again not just my opinion )

So I have a big problem to trust anybody enough to help me. And I have a

huge problems because of my living with disoriented family in my past. It

takes me a lot of years to find some people I can trust enough just to

listen to them and than I make my own decision what is right or not for me.

The main problem was to show my vulnerability. Because deep in me it is old

pattern saying - they will use it somehow - even if it won't be on purpose-

or they don't understand what I'm telling them. I made the biggest progress

with my boyfriend. I was lucky to find one who has crazy family too and who

is willing to work on his problems together with me - so we learn to trust

and solve the old patterns together. And I'm lucky that I can easily read

books in English so I can get help with reading the good books.

I hope you can understand my words - English is not my language. That is why

I don't post often , but I'm with you all the time. It means a lot to me to

read your post. but it takes a loooooot of time for me to write in

English..:-)) ...with my crazy shedule it is almost impossible to be fast

enough to