Re: Explaining Nada to your children?

[Guest guest]

i let my kids see for themselves. they ask questions and we answer with light

and humorous dealing ways of seeing what she does. I will never get into the

horrible things she did...it's not worth it...and it's not fair to give my kids

that burden.

if my mom really couldn't see what she did as insane...then it's not humane of

me to spread her stupid secrets to my lovely kids. They see the obvious, we fill

them in a little bit...but that's as far as it will go for me. I have no need to

expose the monster...that might make them feel very sorry for me...and I don't

need the sympathy from them.

amy

Explaining Nada to your children?

Has anyone ever tried to explain their nada's behavior to their adult children?

If so, what approach did you take? What worked, what would you do differently?

K

[Guest guest]

Amy,

I appreciate your feedback. I've been thinking all day about this situation of

mine and realized that throughout my childhood I was unable to effectively stand

up for myself, but now I have that power, but now that I have that power (to

expose nada) I had to ask myself what am I hoping to accomplish?

I'm not interested in causing divisions between nada and my sons or having my

sons choose sides. And like you, I'm not interested in having my sons take pity

on me.

For a while now I've felt my sons disapproval of me for being L/C with nada and

I just wanted to give an adequate explanation.

The best I can come up with is this:

I work hard to build trust and honesty in my relationships.

I take ownership for my behavior and apologize when I'm wrong.

I do not play mind games with people's emotions.

However, some people in this family repeatedly display cruel, manipulative and

rejecting behavior towards me. They point blame at others and never apologize

for their behavior. I've reached the point in life where I'm tired of subjecting

myself to their toxic behavior, I don't enjoy their company and I don't trust

them.

I guess that will pretty much sum up my feelings. I prefer to be

straightforward without having to dredge up old wounds or give examples of

nada's toxic behavior for I've realized that words alone will never adequately

cause my sons to fully comprehend my childhood or my nada.

K

>

> i let my kids see for themselves. they ask questions and we answer with light

and humorous dealing ways of seeing what she does. I will never get into the

horrible things she did...it's not worth it...and it's not fair to give my kids

that burden.

> if my mom really couldn't see what she did as insane...then it's not humane of

me to spread her stupid secrets to my lovely kids. They see the obvious, we fill

them in a little bit...but that's as far as it will go for me. I have no need to

expose the monster...that might make them feel very sorry for me...and I don't

need the sympathy from them.

> amy

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> Explaining Nada to your children?

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> Has anyone ever tried to explain their nada's behavior to their adult

children? If so, what approach did you take? What worked, what would you do

differently?

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> K

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[Guest guest]

Son always knew grandma was, " off " ... but when he was 8 he is the one who found

her, OD'd, in the bedroom. After the interview with the paramedics as they

haulded her away I realized I had to say something. So I did... even though I

didn't know what 'it' was... I circled the wagons and made sure he didj't think

it was 'him.'

God smiled the day on me when he was 12 and Nada had a name - BPD. He then

started going to therapy with me and was given a wealth of tools, skills,

thoughts, save venue, etc. for all things concerning Nada and me.

It's been priceless. He owns none of her stuff and is more than able to hand

her back HER stuff and not be affected by it 99% of the time.

Lynnette

>

> Has anyone ever tried to explain their nada's behavior to their adult

children? If so, what approach did you take? What worked, what would you do

differently?

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

I think you are going about it the right way. Instead of pointing fingers, you

are simply stating what type of behaviour you permit in your life, which is a

brilliant way to get your kids to step back, and look at everyone elses

behaviour in a subjective way. They may not do it for the next 5 years, or even

15, but at some point they will step back and say " OH, now I know what my mum

was getting at " .

They will get it eventually, because nadas cant be " sweetness and light "

forever. The ogre inside always ends up showing through.

I personally tell people who tisk-tisk about the fact that I dont see my family

often, or insist that I should be helping them BECAUSE they are mentally ill -

When those family members get help for their mental illness, I will be there to

love and support them. But until that time, sharing DNA with them does not mean

I throw away my right to protect myself.

>

> Amy,

>

> I appreciate your feedback. I've been thinking all day about this situation of

mine and realized that throughout my childhood I was unable to effectively stand

up for myself, but now I have that power, but now that I have that power (to

expose nada) I had to ask myself what am I hoping to accomplish?

>

> I'm not interested in causing divisions between nada and my sons or having my

sons choose sides. And like you, I'm not interested in having my sons take pity

on me.

>

> For a while now I've felt my sons disapproval of me for being L/C with nada

and I just wanted to give an adequate explanation.

>

> The best I can come up with is this:

>

> I work hard to build trust and honesty in my relationships.

> I take ownership for my behavior and apologize when I'm wrong.

> I do not play mind games with people's emotions.

>

> However, some people in this family repeatedly display cruel, manipulative and

rejecting behavior towards me. They point blame at others and never apologize

for their behavior. I've reached the point in life where I'm tired of subjecting

myself to their toxic behavior, I don't enjoy their company and I don't trust

them.

>

>

> I guess that will pretty much sum up my feelings. I prefer to be

straightforward without having to dredge up old wounds or give examples of

nada's toxic behavior for I've realized that words alone will never adequately

cause my sons to fully comprehend my childhood or my nada.

>

> K

[Guest guest]

I really like the way you put that, crazy. Its such a common-sense, rational,

equitable, and yet compassionate approach that doesn't enable or excuse bad

behavior no matter where its coming from. Everyone gets treated with the same

respect and reasonable expectations for decent behavior, and everyone gets the

same consequences if they do not behave well.

I like that very much.

-Annie

>

> I think you are going about it the right way. Instead of pointing fingers, you

are simply stating what type of behaviour you permit in your life, which is a

brilliant way to get your kids to step back, and look at everyone elses

behaviour in a subjective way. They may not do it for the next 5 years, or even

15, but at some point they will step back and say " OH, now I know what my mum

was getting at " .

>

> They will get it eventually, because nadas cant be " sweetness and light "

forever. The ogre inside always ends up showing through.

>

> I personally tell people who tisk-tisk about the fact that I dont see my

family often, or insist that I should be helping them BECAUSE they are mentally

ill - When those family members get help for their mental illness, I will be

there to love and support them. But until that time, sharing DNA with them does

not mean I throw away my right to protect myself.

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all of you who gave your input. I borrowed a little bit of all your

advice and journaled what I might say to my son. As soon as I finished, he

called me, so I shared it with him. After sharing what I wrote, I ended up

sharing 3 examples of my experiences with nada to help explain myself. He just

listened and at the end I reinforced that I've never prevented my parents from a

relationship with him nor encouraged him to choose sides. I think it was well

received. Hard to tell when dealing with a 23 year old who doesn't communicate.

K

>

> Has anyone ever tried to explain their nada's behavior to their adult

children? If so, what approach did you take? What worked, what would you do

differently?

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

One more thing. After sharing with my son today why I limit my contact with

nada, I felt it was a small victory for having opened the door slightly to

reveal a few of nada's dirty little secrets. Nada has had far too much

undeserved loyalty from me and now she's finally losing control over me and it

feels good.

K

>

> Has anyone ever tried to explain their nada's behavior to their adult

children? If so, what approach did you take? What worked, what would you do

differently?

>

> K

>

[Guest guest]

Youve done well considering most 20-something guys, when it comes to talking

about anything " emotional " , have the conversational skills of a doorknob.

>

> One more thing. After sharing with my son today why I limit my contact with

nada, I felt it was a small victory for having opened the door slightly to

reveal a few of nada's dirty little secrets. Nada has had far too much

undeserved loyalty from me and now she's finally losing control over me and it

feels good.

>

> K

[Guest guest]

No kidding....my son is no exception to doorknob communication skills. I talked

to him over the phone and he was very quiet, so quiet that at one point I asked

if he was still there. He was. He only had one short comment at the end. How

much really sunk in, I don't know. But seeds were planted and hopefully he'll

take notice of nada's behaviors toward me when she slips up.

K

> >

> > One more thing. After sharing with my son today why I limit my contact with

nada, I felt it was a small victory for having opened the door slightly to

reveal a few of nada's dirty little secrets. Nada has had far too much

undeserved loyalty from me and now she's finally losing control over me and it

feels good.

> >

> > K

>