Re: Re: Did you BPD parent do this?

[Guest guest]

-

Oh, thank you so much for your sweet, caring and empathetic reply - words

cannot express how much I appreciate what you have written.

I am going to keep your post and read it again and again.

Yeah - my cousin probably is NEVER gonna get it - and you're right, he

WASN'T there when any of the abuse was happening. We only saw him and his

parents occasionally, and of course my parents were on their best behavior

when we were all together.

It was so weird - I ADORED my aunt, uncle and cousin, but if I dared express

that to my parents, they'd tell me how I was stupid to care about them

because my aunt, uncle and cousin were bad people and liars and that they

hated me... and I'd get even more confused about the concept " love " than I

was already, because my aunt and uncle treated me wonderfully when I was a

child and young teenager (my cousin was a boy and four years older than me,

so was not always particularly nice to me when we were children, but he was

great to me for a while when we were teenagers).

I used to think it was so odd that my parents had no friends...our house was

dour -

and my aunt, uncle and cousin had a happy home, almost always filled with

guests and friends - and if they were such bad people, why did so many nice

people like being around them?

I figure, since my aunt and uncle treated me very well until I was about 16,

that they started believing all the crap my mother would tell them about

me... she was VERY bright and very persuasive...

And it's not that they ever treated me badly - just with a sort of

skepticism - and if I dared even BEGIN to say anything negative about my

parents, they got angry at me, which hurt me badly, because I wanted them to

love me and believe me.

I really wanted to turn to them for help but it was impossible.

I have been through sooo much therapy - I'm all therapied out - and none of

it helped my constant feeling of a deeply broken heart.

Perhaps it didn't help because most of the therapy I received was targeted

at me BEING a borderline (which I never was) instead of being the child of

one.

I worked hard for two decades to overcome the eating disorder. I thought

that my life would be so much better if the eating disorder was gone - that

my broken heart would become whole.

My broken heart didn't become whole.

I'm afraid that it's too late for me to change - ever.

I've always felt that " mercy and justice " from my family was something I

simply did not deserve, because I never received one iota of it.

Again, , THANK YOU for your sweet reply, and for putting up with my

whining.

Sending hugs -

Judy

On Thu, Oct 14, 2010 at 6:25 AM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> (((Judy))))

>

> I'm sorry you are hurting like this.You were subjected to a terrible

> campaign of scapegoating and abuse---screaming back/hitting back is *self

> defense*--and it sounds to me that your right of self defense was not only

> denied to you but used as a weapon against you to batter you with when you

> were growing up.Your parents used the batterer's sick ploy of: We are the

> only ones who could love you/tolerate you in order to control you--then

> repeatedly threatened to abandon you by having you publically shamed to the

> people you knew.And then did just that by turning your immediate family

> against you with their sick lies and distortions.

>

> They inflicted grave injuries on you; they hurt you and they injured

> you.You are *not* evil or bad or lacking in something--you were gravely

> injured during the most vulnerable part of anyone's life,the years you were

> developing and your psyche was forming.You suffered a severe assault on your

> sense of self.

>

> I don't think it's a sign of your selfish nature at all to feel galled and

> hurt that your abuser was cared for,catered to,tended to,when she was in

> need while from the sounds of it you were vilified for exercising your

> natural right of self protection by staying out of contact with a disturbed

> and dangerous person (your nada) who had so badly injured you.And from the

> sounds of it,additionally devalued by your cousin for continuing to speak

> the truth--how dare he say, " I'm sure you THINK that's what happened " !!! What

> the h*ll does he know? Is he God? Was he there?

>

> Feeling hurt,galled--and angry--that your abuser was supported while you

> were left to deal with the aftermath of being injured by her unsupported by

> your own family isn't selfish.It's sane--it's a normal reaction.You have

> received neither mercy nor justice from your family although you were

> gravely wronged.You are certainly justified in feeling hurt and galled by

> that!

>

> Sadly it sounds like your cousin isn't going to get it.

>

> That you are still suffering now isn't an indication of a defect in your

> own character but evidence of how deeply wounded you were by abuse you

> didn't deserve or cause.Your parents sound severely dysfunctional and

> disordered--you had every right to want to hit back against that as a

> child.You had every right to remove yourself from it as an adult.You should

> have been rescued from it while it was ongoing--and you have a right now as

> the survivor of abuse not to be told that the person you've gone to for

> help,your therapist,is " brain washing " you.Instead,you are to be commended

> for taking care of yourself.And for overcoming your eating disorder--that is

> *awesome*

>

> I'm sorry you're struggling and feeling so awful right now.The wounding of

> child abuse runs so deep and tragically continues to affect our lives so

> many years after the fact.There is fallout and consequences that diminish

> our quality of life while so often our abusers get off scot free.Please know

> that you,also,are not alone.We're here,we will listen and hear you.

>

> (((((Hugs))))))

>

> Take care,

>

>

>

>

> >

> > You're not alone -

> > My nada said horrible stuff about me to her friends, to the rest of our

> very

> > small family -

> > My reaction as a child to her screaming, yelling, alcoholic rages,

> physical,

> > sexual and emotional abuse was to scream back, and occasionally to hit

> > back. And afterwards, it was weird, but I'd like forget the details of

> what

> > had happened - only that I felt sick and disgusted inside, and like the

> most

> > evil person in the world. And I'd wonder why at school and with my

> friends

> > I was always quiet, peaceful, good-natured and well-behaved. My nada -

> and

> > dishrag father - would tell me what an evil phony I was, and that how you

> > acted at home was how you REALLY were inside, and they would threaten

> > constantly to call my favorite teacher and/or good friends and/or the boy

> I

> > liked and/or anyone and everyone I liked and let them know what I was

> REALLY

> > like, and how if they knew, they would hate me. My parents would say

> WE'RE

> > the only ones who could and will ever love you, because we love you

> despite

> > your evilness, spoiled-ness, selfishness, stupidity, dishonesty ugliness,

> > etc. And I was so messed up and confused over what " love " meant because

> the

> > way they seemed to feel about me was NOT the way I felt about the

> teachers

> > or friends I adored. I don't know if they ever called any of the people

> > they threatened to call, but I was in constant fear that they would. I do

> > know my nada ranted and raged about me to my aunt, uncle and cousin, who

> I

> > loved, and they listened to her and believed her. I only have one family

> > member left - my cousin - who I still love - and who wants nothing to do

> > with me, because he believes I am a drug addict (I've always been

> > drug-free), that the major depression I've suffered from since childhood

> is

> > just an act, that the eating disorder I struggled with for decades (and

> am

> > still amazed I overcame, especially with the complete lack of outside

> > support I received) was a sign of my weak character. And three years ago

> > when I dared to call him (it's difficult staying away from him completely

> > because he's a public figure and I see him on TV and in the news and

> stuff,

> > which breaks my heart, cause I see him on the screen and I love him and

> miss

> > him and know he doesn't want to be my family) and thought maybe NOW he'll

> > listen to what really happened - well, I started to tell him and he

> breaks

> > in, saying, " I'm sure you THINK that's what happened. " And he didn't want

> to

> > hear one word more.

> > What he DID say was that I obviously had the wrong psychiatrist (I had

> > wonderful, high-quality therapy) who " brainwashed " me and that I should

> see

> > the therapist who helped HIM when he was going through some confusion

> about

> > his " non-Leave-It-To-Beaver " parents. (who, by the way, were gently

> > eccentric 1950s bohemians who kept a messy house, who never lifted a hand

> > to him, encouraged his considerable talents in every way, and treated him

> > with lots of love and good humor).

> > What really hurts and galls me right now - and maybe it's a sign of my

> > selfish nature...I don't know - is that when my father died, and my nada

> was

> > alone, and I hadn't been in contact with them at all, my cousin (who is a

> > multimillionaire at least) supported my nada, who wasn't his blood

> relative.

> > My father was my cousin's blood relative. But my nada convinced him, I

> > guess, that she had been screwed over and abused by her thieving, lying,

> > sociopathic daughter.. and everyone else, for that matter - and my

> cousin,

> > for whatever reason, made her comfortable, hired people to take care of

> her

> > personal business, made sure she wanted for nothing.

> > And a bit of whining here - I am struggling alone here - no family

> members

> > whatsoever - never received any sort of inheritance - never married (due

> > to incredibly poor choices on my part - I zeroed right in on alcoholics

> and

> > drug addicts, and they zeroed right in on me), no children, failing

> health,

> > work has been slow for two years - Medicare and health insurance doesn't

> > nearly cover the medications I need - can't get the pair of glasses I

> > desperately need, can't get my cavities filled - yes, I am horribly

> > depressed and don't know how to get out of it right now. Even though I

> know

> > my nada was manipulative and, well, nuts, and my father wasn't much

> better,

> > I DO think that I must indeed be evil and bad and terribly lacking

> because

> > wouldn't I have ended up in a better place by now? I mean - damn - my

> > parents were right - I've ended up completely alone at the age of 60...

> > Sorry to whine so much -

> > I'm just feeling so awful...

>

> >

> >