Re: How is your mom doing?

[Guest guest]

Well, keeping the conversation about her short is probably best for whatever

reason you do it, because NO ONE understands BPD unless they have special

training or have had to live with it. I mean it sounds unreal in my own ears

when I try to explain it, even though I know all too well how real it is. You do

not have to defend the fact that you haven't talked to her, nor do you have to

defend her. You don't owe anybody any sort of explanation. I find this hard

because my whole life I have over-explained everything- a flea I have of

thinking no one believes me even though I am telling the truth. If you feel bad

about saying " good " , you could say, " Oh she's the same. " Now that's not a lie

b/c you know she'll never change! (unfortunately)

>

> Hi

> Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> spoken to her in about 2 months.

>

> I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> wonder?

>

> Stefanie

>

[Guest guest]

I feel ya.

When I went NC, nada was still in the hospital. She'd been there for

months...had originally been admitted for breathing issues, which got

progressively worse and they couldn't figure out WHAT kind of pneumonia she had

and nothing was working on it...and 3 days after entering the hospital she

slipped and fell...breaking her wrist and her back...it was a huge disaster and

during part of it she had been on a vent in ICU and very near death.

By the time I went NC, she was well on the road to recovery and was in a rehab

hospital, not a regular hospital, while her back healed. Had she not had the

back issue, she would have been home already.

Anyway, as you can imagine, I got TONS of people asking how she was for months

and months because of that. The people closest to me knew, of course, that I

was NC. But the other random people I just started saying " I haven't talked to

her today, but I bet she'd love to hear from you...let me give you her number! "

(or email address). It was technically true...I really hadn't spoken to her

that day. I didn't feel like including the fact that I hadn't spoken to her on

ANY day for quite some time because that was a conversation I didn't want to

have with most people.

I still get that question now, almost 3 years later, and since it tends to come

from people we've both been out of touch with, I don't even answer the quesiton,

I just force a cheerful tone and say something along the lines of " Oh, let me

give you her email address and you can ask HER that! "

At first I think part of it was protecting her...but also, protecting myself.

And trust issues. Still, trust issues. I'm not comfortable discussing her or

her behaviour with people that know her. Even if they aren't talking to her

NOW, I am always worried they will start talking to her and tell her what I've

said and THAT will set her off. I don't need that.

And some of it is a passive aggressive eff you to nada. If I don't say anything

to our mutual people, then she's got nothing to twist and bitch about or call me

a liar for, does she? And I'm not interfering in her relationships, as she so

often liked to accuse...I'm ENCOURAGING them. So if she asks people " What did

my daughter say about me? " all they have is " Oh, she said you'd be happy to hear

from me! "

Ninera

>

> Subject: How is your mom doing?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 1:47 AM

> Hi

> Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll

> ask me hows

> she is doing.  I usually say Good..because I haven't

> heard

> otherwise...So I guess she's good.  But I almost feel

> like I'm lying

> when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell

> people I haven't

> spoken to her in about 2 months.

>

> I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because

> they will

> automatically start telling me how they don't like her

> either or why

> they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still

> protecting her I

> wonder?

>

> Stefanie

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @....

> DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> find)

[Guest guest]

With a fake smile: " Last I heard, she was doing fine. "

That's my line. It is the truth, but has a coded message for anyone who listens

carefully: I haven't heard from her in a long, long while.

I know it doesn't matter what I communicate, but it makes me feel like I'm being

a little more honest. It's for my benefit more than anyone else's.

I'm with you, though. I hate that question. There's just no where nice to go

with that one, other than little white lies.

Maybe, just once, I'll say very calmly, with a professional air: " She's insane.

She has borderline personality disorder. She damaged us so much, my brother

didn't make it out with his mind intact, and he's an abusive, raging psychotic

alcoholic. My sister is a cunning sociopath, and watch your purse if you ever

run into her--especially if you see her in church, where she's an elder. I

don't talk to my mother anymore. She's so toxic, I had to make the choice of

either walking away or going down the path of my sad, lost, wicked siblings. "

Waddya think?

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Hi

> Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> spoken to her in about 2 months.

>

> I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> wonder?

>

> Stefanie

>

[Guest guest]

Brilliant.

I wish I had the courage to just casually and cheerfully say my version of that

out loud, when asked. Mine would be: " The last time I talked to my Sister, she

said that our mom is doing well and hasn't said anything mean, hateful or

manipulative to Sister in several weeks, now. Me, I had to cut contact with

mother to protect my own emotional and physical health; the negativity and

criticism directed at me was literally making me sick. But as far as I know,

she's fine. Thanks for asking. "

I also love that response that Mozz came up with: " Why don't you ask her

yourself, she'd love to hear from you. Here's her number. "

Both of those are awesome. Thanks for sharing them!

-Annie

> >

> > Hi

> > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> >

> > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > wonder?

> >

> > Stefanie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Karla - Yeah, that sounds about right. Or just start singing, " Still crazy

after all these years. "

> >

> > Hi

> > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> >

> > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > wonder?

> >

> > Stefanie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am in contact with mine but I pretty much brush people off when they ask about

her. They don't really want to hear the truth. They'll think I'm mean if I tell

them what's she's done or feel sorry for her that she must be getting senile. So

when they ask I just say " she's doing OK, about the same. " I don't see it as a

lie. It's just what they can handle. How many times do people ask us how we're

doing and we just say " fine. " They don't want details. So. . . . fine. LOL

>

> Hi

> Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> spoken to her in about 2 months.

>

> I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> wonder?

>

> Stefanie

>

[Guest guest]

I love this thread! And I hate this question!!!! I usually hear things like

this around the holidays, like did you see your family for Christmas or

things like that.

How I answer really depends on what I feel like saying. A lot of the time I

smile and say " How's YOUR mom? " and then I'll review the last I heard - did

she get over that cold? Did she finish her remodeling project? Ha ha. Totall

conversational manipulation. People would much rather talk about their

mother than listen about mine.In my job we call it bridging. We teach it to

people in case they get an uncomfortable question in an interview - though

you can't really in that case turn it around and interview the journalist,

but its the same principal.

However, if I'm in a pissy mood, I'll often say " My mother is mentally ill

and I haven't had a conversation with her in nearly 8 years. " That usually

shuts them up. I just let them know the truth, and they can take it as they

want, judge me, pity me, tell me to eff off, whatever. I just sum it up.

They don't know what to say, they look at the sky or their shoes and after a

while one of us needs to go to an appointment or get home to their kids or

let the dogs out. For some reason, it makes me feel kind of good to let THEM

feel uncomfortable instead of me.

In other cases, there will be someone I actually want to share that part of

my past with. usually this is people I spend a lot of time with or feel

unusually close to. And I just kind of let it ooze out, step by step, and I

carefully watch their reaction every step of the way. Any negative judgement

toward me and I'm done sharing. . . .

That's me. Hugs to you all!

>

>

> I am in contact with mine but I pretty much brush people off when they ask

> about her. They don't really want to hear the truth. They'll think I'm mean

> if I tell them what's she's done or feel sorry for her that she must be

> getting senile. So when they ask I just say " she's doing OK, about the

> same. " I don't see it as a lie. It's just what they can handle. How many

> times do people ask us how we're doing and we just say " fine. " They don't

> want details. So. . . . fine. LOL

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi

> > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> >

> > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > wonder?

> >

> > Stefanie

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ninera, that's brilliant! I'm going to use that one.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> >

> > Subject: How is your mom doing?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 1:47 AM

> > Hi

> > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll

> > ask me hows

> > she is doing.  I usually say Good..because I haven't

> > heard

> > otherwise...So I guess she's good.  But I almost feel

> > like I'm lying

> > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell

> > people I haven't

> > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> >

> > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because

> > they will

> > automatically start telling me how they don't like her

> > either or why

> > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still

> > protecting her I

> > wonder?

> >

> > Stefanie

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @...

> > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > find)

[Guest guest]

Oh, Annie! Yours is the same as mine!

I've been NC for... hmm... been 2 or 3 years now? It's heaven.

I hate those encounters with mutual acquaintances. (doctors, eye doctors,

hairstylists etc) Now that I'm not in my hometown anymore it makes it much

easier. Phew.

- Cvidzz- Steph

> > >

> > > Hi

> > > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> > > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> > > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> > >

> > > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > > wonder?

> > >

> > > Stefanie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for you great advice! I like all your responses so I

think I will do all those things depending on what I feel like. If I

decide to say shes OK..that's true to the best of my knowledge. I really

like the " Last I heard she was fine. " I think I'll use that when I wish thy

would stop asking..but some people will know something is up and may feel

uncomfortable.

So I guess the best answer to my question is ..it depends on the person and

how I feel about it at the moment.

Maybe someday I'll be gutsy enough to say " Mom who?...Oh her!..ya, she's a

nutbag! " Haven't talked to her in ages. "

I am grateful that I have a whole bunch of ways I can respond.

Stefanie

>

>

> Oh, Annie! Yours is the same as mine!

> I've been NC for... hmm... been 2 or 3 years now? It's heaven.

>

> I hate those encounters with mutual acquaintances. (doctors, eye doctors,

> hairstylists etc) Now that I'm not in my hometown anymore it makes it much

> easier. Phew.

>

> - Cvidzz- Steph

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi

> > > > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me

> hows

> > > > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > > > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > > > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I

> haven't

> > > > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> > > >

> > > > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > > > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > > > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > > > wonder?

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I got to the place that my answer to How is your mom? was, She mentally

ill, and refuses to accept treatment to get better. If they knew that,

they commiserated. If they were flying monkeys, they shut the hell up in

a hurry.

I m such a horrible son!

Doug

[Guest guest]

The last family funeral I went to there was a cousin of mums that hadnt seen her

since she was a child (mum wasnt there), who came up to me and said " wow, doesnt

your sister look the spitting image of your mother!! " and without thinking I

repsonded " yeah, scary, isnt it? " . I think he was a little confused...

> > > >

> > > > Hi

> > > > Lately I have run into people that know my mom and they'll ask me hows

> > > > she is doing. I usually say Good..because I haven't heard

> > > > otherwise...So I guess she's good. But I almost feel like I'm lying

> > > > when I say that..and I definitely do not want to tell people I haven't

> > > > spoken to her in about 2 months.

> > > >

> > > > I also wonder if I am not wanting to tell people because they will

> > > > automatically start telling me how they don't like her either or why

> > > > they haven't been around to seeing her..Am I still protecting her I

> > > > wonder?

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Haha, you are indeed brilliant!

I get what you mean about not wanting to talk to people who know her about her

disorder - I consider that if my own siblings can see her for what she is, how

the hell would anyone else? Im scared they would simply think I was overreacting

or something, and I feel like Im intruding to ask my mothers siblings or parents

about her, as Ive never had a lot to do with them - Mum hated her family and

made sure we never saw cousins/aunts/auncles/grandparents. Id feel like Id be

opening old wounds that they may not wish to have opened, and I also dont want

them to feel guilty about us kids having to grow up with her when they could

have had us taken away if they had gotten involved.

Too many worms in that can. How do you ask someone if they were aware that their

child was an abusive psychopath? I cant do it.

>

>

> >

> > I feel ya.

> >

> > When I went NC, nada was still in the hospital. She'd been there for

months...had originally been admitted for breathing issues, which got

progressively worse and they couldn't figure out WHAT kind of pneumonia she had

and nothing was working on it...and 3 days after entering the hospital she

slipped and fell...breaking her wrist and her back...it was a huge disaster and

during part of it she had been on a vent in ICU and very near death.

> >

> > By the time I went NC, she was well on the road to recovery and was in a

rehab hospital, not a regular hospital, while her back healed. Had she not had

the back issue, she would have been home already.

> >

> > Anyway, as you can imagine, I got TONS of people asking how she was for

months and months because of that. The people closest to me knew, of course,

that I was NC. But the other random people I just started saying " I haven't

talked to her today, but I bet she'd love to hear from you...let me give you her

number! " (or email address). It was technically true...I really hadn't spoken

to her that day. I didn't feel like including the fact that I hadn't spoken to

her on ANY day for quite some time because that was a conversation I didn't want

to have with most people.

> >

> > I still get that question now, almost 3 years later, and since it tends to

come from people we've both been out of touch with, I don't even answer the

quesiton, I just force a cheerful tone and say something along the lines of " Oh,

let me give you her email address and you can ask HER that! "

> >

> > At first I think part of it was protecting her...but also, protecting

myself. And trust issues. Still, trust issues. I'm not comfortable discussing

her or her behaviour with people that know her. Even if they aren't talking to

her NOW, I am always worried they will start talking to her and tell her what

I've said and THAT will set her off. I don't need that.

> >

> > And some of it is a passive aggressive eff you to nada. If I don't say

anything to our mutual people, then she's got nothing to twist and bitch about

or call me a liar for, does she? And I'm not interfering in her relationships,

as she so often liked to accuse...I'm ENCOURAGING them. So if she asks people

" What did my daughter say about me? " all they have is " Oh, she said you'd be

happy to hear from me! "

> >

> > Ninera

> >

[Guest guest]

LOL - oh what I would give for the courage to say that. And to see the priceless

look on someone's face in response to it. Genius Doug, really.

patinage

>

> I got to the place that my answer to How is your mom? was, She mentally

> ill, and refuses to accept treatment to get better. If they knew that,

> they commiserated. If they were flying monkeys, they shut the hell up in

> a hurry.

>

> I m such a horrible son!

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Oh the faces drop, the jaws drop, they stammer, but they shut the hell

up!

Mission accomplished.

Doug

> >

> > I got to the place that my answer to How is your mom? was, She

mentally

> > ill, and refuses to accept treatment to get better. If they knew

that,

> > they commiserated. If they were flying monkeys, they shut the hell

up in

> > a hurry.

> >

> > I m such a horrible son!

> >

> > Doug

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I too have just come right out and told people that my mother is nuts and

not a part of my life due to her mental illness and refusal to work toward

mental health a few times - I need to learn to laugh at the responses.

they're like, " wow, you just rocked my world. Everything I know about

motherhood and family I learned from the songs we sang at church when we

were 5 years old. "

Usually though, I punt and dodge. I say we saw dear boyfriend's mom and then

I ask How is *YOUR* mom? The reality is, they usually don't care that much

and can be distracted from their question if you turn the subject on them.

I believe my therapist would tell me that my grandmother was my real mom,

and I should just talk about her instead of the nada. . . working on that

one. Is that a reframe, or what? Spent your life feeling like a motherless

child? Well, guess what, according to your therapist, your father's

mother, who taught you to cook and clean, took care of you when you were

sick, took you shopping for school clothes when you got them, told you to

always have something nice to say, and helped you learn to greet visitors

with cake or cookies and ice cream, that was your real mother. The insane

bitch running around screaming, hitting, taking, forcing and demanding, was

just a bitch. Oh okay. Cool. Done. I am very grateful I had my grandmother.

She wasn't perfect, but without her, I don't know where I would be in life -

I probably wouldn't know clean clothes from dirty, or how to scrub a floor,

or how to fix a balanced meal, or how to take joy in having a little house

that is humble, but all my own. Love you grandma! (My grandma died in June,

and I wasn't able to say goodbye to her due to issues with the family of

origin, but its okay, we had our time together, our I love yous, and our

good byes. We left things well and I believe she went in peace, kinowing she

had made a difference in the life of a child named Girlscout.)

>

>

> Oh the faces drop, the jaws drop, they stammer, but they shut the hell

> up!

>

> Mission accomplished.

>

> Doug

>

> > >

> > > I got to the place that my answer to How is your mom? was, She

> mentally

> > > ill, and refuses to accept treatment to get better. If they knew

> that,

> > > they commiserated. If they were flying monkeys, they shut the hell

> up in

> > > a hurry.

> > >

> > > I m such a horrible son!

> > >

> > > Doug

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout,

My grandma died in June, too. My condolences.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Thank you LL. I had some rough days, but I feel peaceful about it. She had a

long life, the last part she was uncomfortable a lot, sick a lot etc. So I'm

glad she was able to go in peace. And I'm grateful for the things she taught

me.

My condolences to you - were you close? I would actually say my grandmother

and I were very, very close. I miss her.

>

>

> Girlscout,

>

> My grandma died in June, too. My condolences.

>

> --LL.

>

>

>