Re: Re: The letter

[Guest guest]

The funny thing is is she was in my life at this point MORE than she ever

was. She visited 1-2 times per week to see my DD. The letter was the

reason that NC began. She made it clear she would only see the kids(she

delivered this the first and only time she saw my 2nd daughter) on her terms

so...she stopped seeing the kids. It was more meant, i think, to coerce me

into letting her have her way where my kids are concerned. Fat chance.

[Guest guest]

I have a " final letter, " too. I think it runs about 6 pages in Word, but it

was delivered by email.

I also kept all of the correspondence, in text and email, because I was

afraid that I would eventually " forget " all the bad things and start to

think that *I'm* the one that's wrong, instead of my fada.

And yes, it helps solidify my NC.

Maybe I should post it somewhere, but I haven't read through it in a while

because it's so triggering. My DH keeps reminding me not to keep reopening

wounds, so I'm trying not to think about it very much.

Holly

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 12:01 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

>

> Ugh. I think every single one of us here either HAS a version of this

> letter or has been told these things in person / on the phone.

>

> You're not alone. You're not without peers... and... as a KO (fortunately

> for you) you're NOT special ;o)

>

> Lynnette - so KO it's sickening

>

>

> >

> > I decided to post " the letter " . This is the one my momster delivered the

> > day after I came home from the hospital with DD2. It was the first and

> only

> > time she has seen DD2. I have been told that there is nothing wrong with

> > the letter, it is not hurtful, it is not nasty, it is not abusive, and I

> am

> > overreacting. Here it is:

> >

> > It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

> > screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this

> off

> > my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you

> and

> > (hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you only

> > get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't

> know

> > what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

> > would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

> > been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were

> little.

> > I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you

> are.

> > There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you

> like

> > you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

> > eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

> > doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

> > way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

> > comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch your

> > kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

> > (neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives

> us

> > time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1)

> and

> > I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

> > don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You have

> > never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact that

> > you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did not

> > want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

> > granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best

> friend)

> > was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

> > Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along. (me),

> > this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do it.

> > Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer

> come

> > to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring the

> > kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

> > itself

> >

> > Mom

> >

> > First, " if you would like to talk about it I am here for you " --I tried

> when

> > I called her to discuss boundaries and how she has hurt me. She screamed

> > over me and would not listen.

> >

> > " I don't yell at you like you do me " --most times she doesn't yell but has

> > other family gang up on me or pushes something over and over until I

> cave.

> > She does scream at the top of her lungs at times.

> >

> > As for me yelling at her it has only been 4 times in 18 months. 1)DD1's

> > first Christmas when I spent all day cooking and she showed up and

> demanded

> > I leave the meal to sit and get cold because she wanted to see my 4 month

> > old open gifts. She freaked out and I yelled at her to leave. 2) DD2's

> > second Christmas when she called 2 weeks before and demanded I abandon

> all

> > my plans so she could have her " right " to have Christmas at her house.

> > 3)The day I went into labor with DD2 when she ignored my request to stop

> > interfering with DD1 5 TIMES in less than an hour. 4) When I was in late

> > labor and about to deliver she whined to me about all the ways I could

> die

> > in the hospital.

> >

> > " The fact that you won't let me watch your kids... " --This is because with

> my

> > niece she leaves her alone with 2 mean dogs, refuses to use a safe and

> > properly installed carseat, and smokes in a closed car with her and then

> > asks people not to tell my brother.

> >

> > " You have never given me an honest answer " --We have discussed it several

> > times.

> >

> > " You won't give me the chance to bond with DD1--She was at our house for

> > hours one a week and often invited herself over without asking other

> times.

> >

> > That I did not want her at the birth was true but also she told me she

> did

> > not want to be there and I called her all night and her phone was out of

> > order.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

This letter is horribly manipulative, and my nada has sent many letters with

the same kind of guilt trips.

I suggest you look at it as a gift. Nada is saying in writing that she isn't

going to come to your house anymore! That is a great thing, if all she is

going to do is cause you stress when she comes over. She isn't going to come

to you, and you don't have to go to her, and you can finally get some space

to heal.

HUGS

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 12:15 PM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> I have a " final letter, " too. I think it runs about 6 pages in Word, but it

> was delivered by email.

>

> I also kept all of the correspondence, in text and email, because I was

> afraid that I would eventually " forget " all the bad things and start to

> think that *I'm* the one that's wrong, instead of my fada.

> And yes, it helps solidify my NC.

>

> Maybe I should post it somewhere, but I haven't read through it in a while

> because it's so triggering. My DH keeps reminding me not to keep reopening

> wounds, so I'm trying not to think about it very much.

>

> Holly

>

> On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 12:01 PM, yp_lynnette_cameron_park <

> h_l_maston@...> wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Ugh. I think every single one of us here either HAS a version of this

> > letter or has been told these things in person / on the phone.

> >

> > You're not alone. You're not without peers... and... as a KO (fortunately

> > for you) you're NOT special ;o)

> >

> > Lynnette - so KO it's sickening

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I decided to post " the letter " . This is the one my momster delivered

> the

> > > day after I came home from the hospital with DD2. It was the first and

> > only

> > > time she has seen DD2. I have been told that there is nothing wrong

> with

> > > the letter, it is not hurtful, it is not nasty, it is not abusive, and

> I

> > am

> > > overreacting. Here it is:

> > >

> > > It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

> > > screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this

> > off

> > > my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you

> > and

> > > (hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you

> only

> > > get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't

> > know

> > > what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

> > > would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

> > > been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were

> > little.

> > > I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you

> > are.

> > > There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you

> > like

> > > you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

> > > eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

> > > doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

> > > way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

> > > comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch

> your

> > > kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

> > > (neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives

> > us

> > > time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1)

> > and

> > > I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

> > > don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You

> have

> > > never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact

> that

> > > you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did

> not

> > > want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

> > > granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best

> > friend)

> > > was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

> > > Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along.

> (me),

> > > this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do

> it.

> > > Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer

> > come

> > > to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring

> the

> > > kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

> > > itself

> > >

> > > Mom

> > >

> > > First, " if you would like to talk about it I am here for you " --I tried

> > when

> > > I called her to discuss boundaries and how she has hurt me. She

> screamed

> > > over me and would not listen.

> > >

> > > " I don't yell at you like you do me " --most times she doesn't yell but

> has

> > > other family gang up on me or pushes something over and over until I

> > cave.

> > > She does scream at the top of her lungs at times.

> > >

> > > As for me yelling at her it has only been 4 times in 18 months. 1)DD1's

> > > first Christmas when I spent all day cooking and she showed up and

> > demanded

> > > I leave the meal to sit and get cold because she wanted to see my 4

> month

> > > old open gifts. She freaked out and I yelled at her to leave. 2) DD2's

> > > second Christmas when she called 2 weeks before and demanded I abandon

> > all

> > > my plans so she could have her " right " to have Christmas at her house.

> > > 3)The day I went into labor with DD2 when she ignored my request to

> stop

> > > interfering with DD1 5 TIMES in less than an hour. 4) When I was in

> late

> > > labor and about to deliver she whined to me about all the ways I could

> > die

> > > in the hospital.

> > >

> > > " The fact that you won't let me watch your kids... " --This is because

> with

> > my

> > > niece she leaves her alone with 2 mean dogs, refuses to use a safe and

> > > properly installed carseat, and smokes in a closed car with her and

> then

> > > asks people not to tell my brother.

> > >

> > > " You have never given me an honest answer " --We have discussed it

> several

> > > times.

> > >

> > > " You won't give me the chance to bond with DD1--She was at our house

> for

> > > hours one a week and often invited herself over without asking other

> > times.

> > >

> > > That I did not want her at the birth was true but also she told me she

> > did

> > > not want to be there and I called her all night and her phone was out

> of

> > > order.

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It is very subtle. Someone who didn't know the dynamics of your

relationship could easily paint you as the bad guy, which is probably

why some have told you that you are overreacting - which of course you

aren't.

Gaslighting.........

Sent from my blueberry.

On Aug 13, 2010, at 1:06 PM, Simpson

wrote:

> The funny thing is is she was in my life at this point MORE than she

> ever

> was. She visited 1-2 times per week to see my DD. The letter was the

> reason that NC began. She made it clear she would only see the kids

> (she

> delivered this the first and only time she saw my 2nd daughter) on

> her terms

> so...she stopped seeing the kids. It was more meant, i think, to

> coerce me

> into letting her have her way where my kids are concerned. Fat chance.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

ALWAYS !!!!

Jackie

>

> BTW: Did anyone else's nada use " honor thy father and mother " as a

> manipulation/power tool? I can still hear her spitting those words at me.

> They meant " take my abuse and freakish power plays without protest. "

>

> Sheesh.

>

[Guest guest]

ALWAYS! I hated the Sunday when that church reading came up. All of us kids

would come home from Mass afraid of what fada would do that day. It's like

he got a special glee from that.

Holly

>

>

> ALWAYS !!!!

>

> Jackie

>

> >

> > BTW: Did anyone else's nada use " honor thy father and mother " as a

> > manipulation/power tool? I can still hear her spitting those words at me.

>

> > They meant " take my abuse and freakish power plays without protest. "

> >

> > Sheesh.

> >

>

>

>