Re: Re: Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat?

[Guest guest]

Oh dude are any other KOs done with Mean Girl behavior -working on dance and

fashion events in my spare time, I run into it all the time! From adults!!!

I just resigned an event because of the mean girl behavior. I'm finished

with it. Someone does that and I turn my back and walk away - even if I'm

not the object. I remember it from 7th grade and I've had my share. Ready

for something else!

On Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 11:44 AM, whatthehellidhasntbeenchosen <

firehorse66@...> wrote:

>

>

> Expand your choices by making new friends and give yourself some space

> between you and the ones that are being rude. You don't have to cut them off

> completely, just find other things to do with other people. If they get in

> touch with you and ask why they haven't heard from you lately, you can say

> you were just noticing the same thing...any " friend " who is nasty to you

> isn't a real friend and isn't worth having. The older I get the more I value

> having a few quality friends over having a lot of superficial friends. The

> only ones that are keepers are the ones that are really there for you, that

> don't use you as gossip fodder...mean girls went out with high school and I

> didn't put up with it then either - go for quality over quantity.

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear campaigns but it is tough

> > > sometimes. I feel like her poison has infiltrated every aspect of my

> life. I

> > > was wondering if anyone has some helpful thoughts on this for me.

> > >

> > > In short, I have a very interconnected group of stay-at-home moms as

> > > friends and acquaintances. Some of them know people who know nada and

> those

> > > friends I have left to their own preconceived notions.

> > >

> > > Over the last year, I have felt more and more like an outsider and

> subject

> > > of ridicule. One of these friends was being very nasty to me and

> another

> > > person so I confronted her, we talked and it seemed like it was worked

> out

> > > but her put downs and ridicules continued. Then this friend started

> hanging

> > > out with my best friend and my best friend also began making not so

> nice

> > > comments to me. It got to the point that I was so nervous around my

> best

> > > friend that I could hardly speak - which just made her make fun of me

> more.

> > >

> > > I hope I hit enough of the highlights for this to make sense. My

> husband

> > > thinks it is time for a new circle of friends. I could move on but it

> is

> > > tough. I have a small business and many are regular customers of mine.

> I

> > > think that friend/customer connection is tricky to begin with but then

> add

> > > all the nada and fleas garbage and it just sucks.

> > >

> > > I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin with in this whole recovery

> > > process and this has just thrown me into a severe depression. I have

> learned

> > > to deal with dysthymia frequently but when I get so bad that I have

> > > insomnia, my functioning decreases pretty quickly. This week, I have

> had

> > > pretty severe insomnia.

> > >

> > > I think a combination of being the subject of nada's ridicule and now

> from

> > > people who I considered friends, I feel like I have no one besides my

> > > husband to turn to. I know, I need a therapist but I have tried two in

> my

> > > area and they didn't work out. I will probably have to travel 2 hours

> to get

> > > the help I need. I can't understand why wanting to get out of this so

> badly

> > > doesn't seem to be enough.

> > >

> > > patinage

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh dude are any other KOs done with Mean Girl behavior -working on dance and

fashion events in my spare time, I run into it all the time! From adults!!!

I just resigned an event because of the mean girl behavior. I'm finished

with it. Someone does that and I turn my back and walk away - even if I'm

not the object. I remember it from 7th grade and I've had my share. Ready

for something else!

On Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 11:44 AM, whatthehellidhasntbeenchosen <

firehorse66@...> wrote:

>

>

> Expand your choices by making new friends and give yourself some space

> between you and the ones that are being rude. You don't have to cut them off

> completely, just find other things to do with other people. If they get in

> touch with you and ask why they haven't heard from you lately, you can say

> you were just noticing the same thing...any " friend " who is nasty to you

> isn't a real friend and isn't worth having. The older I get the more I value

> having a few quality friends over having a lot of superficial friends. The

> only ones that are keepers are the ones that are really there for you, that

> don't use you as gossip fodder...mean girls went out with high school and I

> didn't put up with it then either - go for quality over quantity.

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear campaigns but it is tough

> > > sometimes. I feel like her poison has infiltrated every aspect of my

> life. I

> > > was wondering if anyone has some helpful thoughts on this for me.

> > >

> > > In short, I have a very interconnected group of stay-at-home moms as

> > > friends and acquaintances. Some of them know people who know nada and

> those

> > > friends I have left to their own preconceived notions.

> > >

> > > Over the last year, I have felt more and more like an outsider and

> subject

> > > of ridicule. One of these friends was being very nasty to me and

> another

> > > person so I confronted her, we talked and it seemed like it was worked

> out

> > > but her put downs and ridicules continued. Then this friend started

> hanging

> > > out with my best friend and my best friend also began making not so

> nice

> > > comments to me. It got to the point that I was so nervous around my

> best

> > > friend that I could hardly speak - which just made her make fun of me

> more.

> > >

> > > I hope I hit enough of the highlights for this to make sense. My

> husband

> > > thinks it is time for a new circle of friends. I could move on but it

> is

> > > tough. I have a small business and many are regular customers of mine.

> I

> > > think that friend/customer connection is tricky to begin with but then

> add

> > > all the nada and fleas garbage and it just sucks.

> > >

> > > I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin with in this whole recovery

> > > process and this has just thrown me into a severe depression. I have

> learned

> > > to deal with dysthymia frequently but when I get so bad that I have

> > > insomnia, my functioning decreases pretty quickly. This week, I have

> had

> > > pretty severe insomnia.

> > >

> > > I think a combination of being the subject of nada's ridicule and now

> from

> > > people who I considered friends, I feel like I have no one besides my

> > > husband to turn to. I know, I need a therapist but I have tried two in

> my

> > > area and they didn't work out. I will probably have to travel 2 hours

> to get

> > > the help I need. I can't understand why wanting to get out of this so

> badly

> > > doesn't seem to be enough.

> > >

> > > patinage

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That's why I stayed away from nada's friends, I was the scapegoat to all her

problems, not to mention they whined to me about her being a pain in the ass.  I

usually just kept my friendsa way from her and that's didn't happen nearly as

much.

Marie

>

>

> Expand your choices by making new friends and give yourself some space

> between you and the ones that are being rude. You don't have to cut them off

> completely, just find other things to do with other people. If they get in

> touch with you and ask why they haven't heard from you lately, you can say

> you were just noticing the same thing...any " friend " who is nasty to you

> isn't a real friend and isn't worth having. The older I get the more I value

> having a few quality friends over having a lot of superficial friends. The

> only ones that are keepers are the ones that are really there for you, that

> don't use you as gossip fodder...mean girls went out with high school and I

> didn't put up with it then either - go for quality over quantity.

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear campaigns but it is tough

> > > sometimes. I feel like her poison has infiltrated every aspect of my

> life. I

> > > was wondering if anyone has some helpful thoughts on this for me.

> > >

> > > In short, I have a very interconnected group of stay-at-home moms as

> > > friends and acquaintances. Some of them know people who know nada and

> those

> > > friends I have left to their own preconceived notions.

> > >

> > > Over the last year, I have felt more and more like an outsider and

> subject

> > > of ridicule. One of these friends was being very nasty to me and

> another

> > > person so I confronted her, we talked and it seemed like it was worked

> out

> > > but her put downs and ridicules continued. Then this friend started

> hanging

> > > out with my best friend and my best friend also began making not so

> nice

> > > comments to me. It got to the point that I was so nervous around my

> best

> > > friend that I could hardly speak - which just made her make fun of me

> more.

> > >

> > > I hope I hit enough of the highlights for this to make sense. My

> husband

> > > thinks it is time for a new circle of friends. I could move on but it

> is

> > > tough. I have a small business and many are regular customers of mine.

> I

> > > think that friend/customer connection is tricky to begin with but then

> add

> > > all the nada and fleas garbage and it just sucks.

> > >

> > > I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin with in this whole recovery

> > > process and this has just thrown me into a severe depression. I have

> learned

> > > to deal with dysthymia frequently but when I get so bad that I have

> > > insomnia, my functioning decreases pretty quickly. This week, I have

> had

> > > pretty severe insomnia.

> > >

> > > I think a combination of being the subject of nada's ridicule and now

> from

> > > people who I considered friends, I feel like I have no one besides my

> > > husband to turn to. I know, I need a therapist but I have tried two in

> my

> > > area and they didn't work out. I will probably have to travel 2 hours

> to get

> > > the help I need. I can't understand why wanting to get out of this so

> badly

> > > doesn't seem to be enough.

> > >

> > > patinage

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Smear campaigns suck. When I went NC, I did everything possible to completely

distance myself from nada and common communities we shared...specifically to

just flat out avoid the smear campaigns.

The biggest part of that meant switching parishes (churches). I had been an

active, highly visible member of our shared parish for a number of years with

several leadership roles. But, it was a great forum for her campaigns when she

wanted to wage them. I never knew who believed what, never knew who was going

to judge me based on what they actually witnessed of me rather than what she

said, etc. And, though it may be a church community, the reality is that people

are human and flawed whether or not they are religious or faithful. I know so

many people there were so confused as to what to believe. For instance...about

9 years ago I was a bone marrow donor. Nada decided I was lying to her (and to

everyone else) about the purpose of my trip. She further decided that my real

reason for the trip was to have an abortion. That Sunday she accused me of this

IN THE CHURCH, for many to hear, and proceeded over several weeks to cry and

seek support from

others for her " wayward daughter " and for her " lost grandchild " .

Now, I don't really care what anyone's views or experiences are with that...but

it not a choice I'd make. And, when people see how involved I am in my CATHOLIC

parish they generally make an accurate assumption about my views on that matter.

However...EVEN IF I HAD done exactly what she accused...that would be intensely

PRIVATE information that is NOT hers to share. But there she was, telling

everyone around the church. It got to the point where several of the ministries

I was involved in felt that they had to ask me directly about it...which I

understand...but still. Totally humiliating. And then when I had to donate a

second and third time in the following months...who knows what everyone thought!

I actually ended up meeting my marrow recipient and our meeting was on the front

page of the paper with a huge photo of us. It was no surprise that nada didn't

share that one around with people...though she found it kind of frustrating.

Here,

something brag worthy that she can't brag about or take credit for because

she's put so much time into telling people it's a lie...

Anyway...when I went NC, I switched parishes (among other things). I decided

that the people from my old parish could choose to stay in touch with me or not,

it was entirely up to them. I didn't make a big deal out of leaving...simply

told people (who asked) that I wanted a church closer to my home.

It has been very very eye opening. Even though I'm an adult, I had completely

believed that any success or opportunity I had at my previous parish was almost

entirely because nada had " set it up " for me. She had often claimed that she

talked someone into it, paved the way for me, etc. In retrospect, it makes NO

SENSE at all. But, I was so conditioned to believe her that I gave myself zero

credit for talent, effort, experience, or deservedness. When I joined my new

parish, where nobody knows her, I waited a couple of months and then volunteered

to help teach catechism. I anticipated being told no...or failing at it...at

the very best just remaining under radar. Well, as it turns out, the successes

I had within my previous parish were due to ME, not nada, because they are

replicating (and better!) in my new parish. Only this time, I know it's because

of my own hard work not because nada is paving my way. She couldn't claim

credit for this and have

me believe on iota of it! It's all mine...and God's...but definitely not hers.

Now, SURE...I KNOW she's still smearing me around my old parish. And it took me

awhile to finally let go of needing to control that, of needing to run around

proving her wrong or refuting her stories. I had to really accept that people

have the right to determine what they believe about me ALL ON THEIR OWN. My

therapist kept telling me... " Anyone who meets you and actually speaks with you

cannot possibly believe the things she says about you unless you give her

stories validity by acknowledging them. BE YOU. Let them see that, and it will

prove her wrong without you trying. " Man, was she ever right!! And, without

expending all that energy to put out her fires, I had the energy and time to BE

ME. And it's true...when people see that, they can't possibly, rationally,

believe her. My life proves her wrong. Slowly, several of our " shared " people

are realizing this and seeking me out again...and they're talking to each other

about it, apparently. My

only rule (for myself) with our shared people is that talking about her is not

an option. It simply is not open for discussion. Once we get past that hurdle,

the relationships blossom. It's been a GREAT summer for that!

I don't have to say a word about her campaigns or stories. She's making herself

look crazier and meaner by the day.

so...if you've managed to read this far...my advice or suggestion on dealing

with the smear campaigns is to let it go. Let her do what she wants. BE YOU.

Live YOUR life. If people bring up things she has said that are smear tactics

or just ludicrous, don't give credence to those things by addressing them. You

can just say " Huh. Interesting that she'd say that. " or " Yep. She says a lot

of things and I'd really rather not hear about it. " and then change the subject.

I know one that worked for me was " Let's keep our conversation and relationship

about US, and keep her out of it, okay? " Yes...some " friends " will choose to

believe her...but if they want to believe awful things about you, are they

really people you WANT to be friends with? Or would you rather have

relationships with people who choose to judge you based on YOU instead of what

others say about you?

Ninera

> > >

> >  > On Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 4:57 PM, patinage4me

> wrote:

> > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear

> campaigns but it is tough

> > > > sometimes. I feel like her poison has

> infiltrated every aspect of my

> > life. I

> > > > was wondering if anyone has some helpful

> thoughts on this for me.

> > > >

> > > > In short, I have a very interconnected group

> of stay-at-home moms as

> > > > friends and acquaintances. Some of them know

> people who know nada and

> > those

> > > > friends I have left to their own

> preconceived notions.

> > > >

> > > > Over the last year, I have felt more and

> more like an outsider and

> > subject

> > > > of ridicule. One of these friends was being

> very nasty to me and

> > another

> > > > person so I confronted her, we talked and it

> seemed like it was worked

> > out

> > > > but her put downs and ridicules continued.

> Then this friend started

> > hanging

> > > > out with my best friend and my best friend

> also began making not so

> > nice

> > > > comments to me. It got to the point that I

> was so nervous around my

> > best

> > > > friend that I could hardly speak - which

> just made her make fun of me

> > more.

> > > >

> > > > I hope I hit enough of the highlights for

> this to make sense. My

> > husband

> > > > thinks it is time for a new circle of

> friends. I could move on but it

> > is

> > > > tough. I have a small business and many are

> regular customers of mine.

> > I

> > > > think that friend/customer connection is

> tricky to begin with but then

> > add

> > > > all the nada and fleas garbage and it just

> sucks.

> > > >

> > > > I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin

> with in this whole recovery

> > > > process and this has just thrown me into a

> severe depression. I have

> > learned

> > > > to deal with dysthymia frequently but when I

> get so bad that I have

> > > > insomnia, my functioning decreases pretty

> quickly. This week, I have

> > had

> > > > pretty severe insomnia.

> > > >

> > > > I think a combination of being the subject

> of nada's ridicule and now

> > from

> > > > people who I considered friends, I feel like

> I have no one besides my

> > > > husband to turn to. I know, I need a

> therapist but I have tried two in

> > my

> > > > area and they didn't work out. I will

> probably have to travel 2 hours

> > to get

> > > > the help I need. I can't understand why

> wanting to get out of this so

> > badly

> > > > doesn't seem to be enough.

> > > >

> > > > patinage

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Ninera - your story about the smear campaigns at church is SO FREAKING CLOSE

to my own stories!!! Wow, but I left church and the whole concept of

religion behind and became an athiest basically due to the way nada used it

as a weapon of mass destruction to my being. I admire you for staying the

course and following your heart. I'm going to print this one out and carry

it in a locket next to my heart.

Be YOU!!!!!

And I love the part about being in the news and nada not able to share it

because of her lies. Ha ha ha ha!!!!

XOXOX GS

>

>

> Smear campaigns suck. When I went NC, I did everything possible to

> completely distance myself from nada and common communities we

> shared...specifically to just flat out avoid the smear campaigns.

>

> The biggest part of that meant switching parishes (churches). I had been an

> active, highly visible member of our shared parish for a number of years

> with several leadership roles. But, it was a great forum for her campaigns

> when she wanted to wage them. I never knew who believed what, never knew who

> was going to judge me based on what they actually witnessed of me rather

> than what she said, etc. And, though it may be a church community, the

> reality is that people are human and flawed whether or not they are

> religious or faithful. I know so many people there were so confused as to

> what to believe. For instance...about 9 years ago I was a bone marrow donor.

> Nada decided I was lying to her (and to everyone else) about the purpose of

> my trip. She further decided that my real reason for the trip was to have an

> abortion. That Sunday she accused me of this IN THE CHURCH, for many to

> hear, and proceeded over several weeks to cry and seek support from

> others for her " wayward daughter " and for her " lost grandchild " .

>

> Now, I don't really care what anyone's views or experiences are with

> that...but it not a choice I'd make. And, when people see how involved I am

> in my CATHOLIC parish they generally make an accurate assumption about my

> views on that matter. However...EVEN IF I HAD done exactly what she

> accused...that would be intensely PRIVATE information that is NOT hers to

> share. But there she was, telling everyone around the church. It got to the

> point where several of the ministries I was involved in felt that they had

> to ask me directly about it...which I understand...but still. Totally

> humiliating. And then when I had to donate a second and third time in the

> following months...who knows what everyone thought! I actually ended up

> meeting my marrow recipient and our meeting was on the front page of the

> paper with a huge photo of us. It was no surprise that nada didn't share

> that one around with people...though she found it kind of frustrating. Here,

> something brag worthy that she can't brag about or take credit for because

> she's put so much time into telling people it's a lie...

>

> Anyway...when I went NC, I switched parishes (among other things). I

> decided that the people from my old parish could choose to stay in touch

> with me or not, it was entirely up to them. I didn't make a big deal out of

> leaving...simply told people (who asked) that I wanted a church closer to my

> home.

>

> It has been very very eye opening. Even though I'm an adult, I had

> completely believed that any success or opportunity I had at my previous

> parish was almost entirely because nada had " set it up " for me. She had

> often claimed that she talked someone into it, paved the way for me, etc. In

> retrospect, it makes NO SENSE at all. But, I was so conditioned to believe

> her that I gave myself zero credit for talent, effort, experience, or

> deservedness. When I joined my new parish, where nobody knows her, I waited

> a couple of months and then volunteered to help teach catechism. I

> anticipated being told no...or failing at it...at the very best just

> remaining under radar. Well, as it turns out, the successes I had within my

> previous parish were due to ME, not nada, because they are replicating (and

> better!) in my new parish. Only this time, I know it's because of my own

> hard work not because nada is paving my way. She couldn't claim credit for

> this and have

> me believe on iota of it! It's all mine...and God's...but definitely not

> hers.

>

> Now, SURE...I KNOW she's still smearing me around my old parish. And it

> took me awhile to finally let go of needing to control that, of needing to

> run around proving her wrong or refuting her stories. I had to really accept

> that people have the right to determine what they believe about me ALL ON

> THEIR OWN. My therapist kept telling me... " Anyone who meets you and actually

> speaks with you cannot possibly believe the things she says about you unless

> you give her stories validity by acknowledging them. BE YOU. Let them see

> that, and it will prove her wrong without you trying. " Man, was she ever

> right!! And, without expending all that energy to put out her fires, I had

> the energy and time to BE ME. And it's true...when people see that, they

> can't possibly, rationally, believe her. My life proves her wrong. Slowly,

> several of our " shared " people are realizing this and seeking me out

> again...and they're talking to each other about it, apparently. My

> only rule (for myself) with our shared people is that talking about her is

> not an option. It simply is not open for discussion. Once we get past that

> hurdle, the relationships blossom. It's been a GREAT summer for that!

>

> I don't have to say a word about her campaigns or stories. She's making

> herself look crazier and meaner by the day.

>

> so...if you've managed to read this far...my advice or suggestion on

> dealing with the smear campaigns is to let it go. Let her do what she wants.

> BE YOU. Live YOUR life. If people bring up things she has said that are

> smear tactics or just ludicrous, don't give credence to those things by

> addressing them. You can just say " Huh. Interesting that she'd say that. " or

> " Yep. She says a lot of things and I'd really rather not hear about it. " and

> then change the subject. I know one that worked for me was " Let's keep our

> conversation and relationship about US, and keep her out of it, okay? "

> Yes...some " friends " will choose to believe her...but if they want to

> believe awful things about you, are they really people you WANT to be

> friends with? Or would you rather have relationships with people who choose

> to judge you based on YOU instead of what others say about you?

>

> Ninera

>

>

> > > >

> > > > On Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 4:57 PM, patinage4me

> > wrote:

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear

> > campaigns but it is tough

> > > > > sometimes. I feel like her poison has

> > infiltrated every aspect of my

> > > life. I

> > > > > was wondering if anyone has some helpful

> > thoughts on this for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > In short, I have a very interconnected group

> > of stay-at-home moms as

> > > > > friends and acquaintances. Some of them know

> > people who know nada and

> > > those

> > > > > friends I have left to their own

> > preconceived notions.

> > > > >

> > > > > Over the last year, I have felt more and

> > more like an outsider and

> > > subject

> > > > > of ridicule. One of these friends was being

> > very nasty to me and

> > > another

> > > > > person so I confronted her, we talked and it

> > seemed like it was worked

> > > out

> > > > > but her put downs and ridicules continued.

> > Then this friend started

> > > hanging

> > > > > out with my best friend and my best friend

> > also began making not so

> > > nice

> > > > > comments to me. It got to the point that I

> > was so nervous around my

> > > best

> > > > > friend that I could hardly speak - which

> > just made her make fun of me

> > > more.

> > > > >

> > > > > I hope I hit enough of the highlights for

> > this to make sense. My

> > > husband

> > > > > thinks it is time for a new circle of

> > friends. I could move on but it

> > > is

> > > > > tough. I have a small business and many are

> > regular customers of mine.

> > > I

> > > > > think that friend/customer connection is

> > tricky to begin with but then

> > > add

> > > > > all the nada and fleas garbage and it just

> > sucks.

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin

> > with in this whole recovery

> > > > > process and this has just thrown me into a

> > severe depression. I have

> > > learned

> > > > > to deal with dysthymia frequently but when I

> > get so bad that I have

> > > > > insomnia, my functioning decreases pretty

> > quickly. This week, I have

> > > had

> > > > > pretty severe insomnia.

> > > > >

> > > > > I think a combination of being the subject

> > of nada's ridicule and now

> > > from

> > > > > people who I considered friends, I feel like

> > I have no one besides my

> > > > > husband to turn to. I know, I need a

> > therapist but I have tried two in

> > > my

> > > > > area and they didn't work out. I will

> > probably have to travel 2 hours

> > > to get

> > > > > the help I need. I can't understand why

> > wanting to get out of this so

> > > badly

> > > > > doesn't seem to be enough.

> > > > >

> > > > > patinage

> > > > >

> > > > >

>

>

>