Re: 2m since she died, feels like longer

September 12, 2010

Yea, Mozz, I do.

It s been just over a year since I lost my nada. You still go thru a

complicated grief, because it was a complicated relationship. Be

patient and gentle with yourself.

We will , perhaps, always wonder if we are good enough. The doubts are

deep, and embedded. Plus you are pregnant, and that messes with your

emotions and weird dreams are not uncommon.

Don t be afraid to reach out for some help if you need it.

And don t worry about if your daughter loves you, just love her. It all

works out. Nada s lesson is, we must force and extract love from our

children.

No. We simply give it, and don t worry about whether it is returned. In

that way, it mostly will be.

Relax.

Heal.

Doug

September 12, 2010

This really struck a nerve with me:

" No. We simply give it, and don t worry about whether it is returned. "

That is perhaps the best parental advice I have ever gotten. It's not about my

being her world. How BPD is that thinking??? It's about me being the best parent

I can so that she grows up to be independent and healthy in mind, body and

spirit. It's just that she will only be little for so long, it's going by so

fast. I feel like I am missing out b/c I can't get out of my own head. Relax? I

wish I knew HOW.

>

> Yea, Mozz, I do.

>

> It s been just over a year since I lost my nada. You still go thru a

> complicated grief, because it was a complicated relationship. Be

> patient and gentle with yourself.

>

> We will , perhaps, always wonder if we are good enough. The doubts are

> deep, and embedded. Plus you are pregnant, and that messes with your

> emotions and weird dreams are not uncommon.

>

> Don t be afraid to reach out for some help if you need it.

>

> And don t worry about if your daughter loves you, just love her. It all

> works out. Nada s lesson is, we must force and extract love from our

> children.

>

> No. We simply give it, and don t worry about whether it is returned. In

> that way, it mostly will be.

>

> Relax.

>

> Heal.

>

> Doug

>

September 12, 2010

(((((((((mozz)))))))))

Its a mixed bag of relief and grief, isn't it. The emotional separation and

realization that you're no longer in danger of abuse just takes time to absorb

and process; the negative stuff will get less and less frequent, and less and

less sharp after a while. Not having your nada in your life any longer will

allow you to focus more on your growing family and yourself, which is great.

You didn't have a good family of origin, but you have now the opportunity to BE

a good foo for your kids, which is a real blessing. Your glass is so half-full

now (as opposed to half-empty) so drink it with gusto!

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

> It's been only 2 months since nada died, but it feels like 100 years. I was

beginning to wonder if I had dysthymic disorder, but for the first time in

probably 17 years I have several mornings where I do not wake up depressed. The

relief of her burden is not fully realized yet, but the amount I have been able

to let go of seems to good to be true. So many great things have happened for me

since she died- her life insurance paid off my student loans (we're talking over

100K here), and we are selling her house and that will make a nice down on a

home for us. This student loan thing is a HUGE relief, the $1500 a month payment

was killing my husband and me. He's still in school so we can't buy a house now,

but we can now move out of our crappy 2 bedroom apt and rent a nice 4 bedroom

house in a better part of town. We are so excited. My pregnancy is going well

and if things go as planned I will be able to cut back on hours after the baby

(it's a boy!)is born. So all in all, I feel truly blessed to have so much

financial burden off my back. That said, I am still sort of walking around in

this dream world. What I mean is, it's like nada never existed- I don't miss

her, I don't regret anything. I feel no nostalgia. It doesn't hurt that she is

gone. It's like she vanished and was never a part of my life. Except for the

mental truama I have that is her aftermath. I keep having this recurring dream

that she is still alive. I really can't put into words the feeling in my chest I

have in this dream. I feel hopless, terror, torture- like a trapped animal in a

cage w/ no escape. When I wake up the relief I feel is tremendous. I hate this

dream. And even though everything is going so well, I still can't really enjoy

my life the way I should. Still waiting for that other shoe to drop, still

majorly doubting myself as a parent, wondering if my dtr loves me and if I am

good enough. And although I am less dysthymic, it's still there. Is it ever

going to go away? And lastly, it really, REALLY hurts that I never had a family.

More now than ever. So I am OK, but I am not OK. Know what I mean?

>

September 13, 2010

Hugs!

I am glad you got the loans paid off, I know that is a massive relief, so at

least you were helped by her in the end.

I was thinking today about depression and what you said about it I related to.

To me it's so silly that I went to shrinks when I was in my early 20's and they

would tell me I was depressed and give me pills. That didn't even scratch the

surface. I realized tonight I always thought I must have 'gotten depressed'

somehow from something in the present. I realize now that I was ALWAYS depressed

from as far back as I could remember, because of what I grew up in who WOULDN'T

be depressed. So depression for me was totally normal because the psycho crap I

grew up in was freaking depressing. I wish someone back then had told me I was

just having a normal reaction to being around crazy people 24 hours a day for 18

years.

I hope the anxiety and the nightmares lessen in time, I know there is always

some residual feelings that come out when it is finally safe. Hugs again.