Re: Anger, so much anger

September 13, 2010

Hi ,

That kind of blind, brainless loyalty toward the abuser would make me angry

also. All I can guess is that your family of origin is made up of very weak

individuals who are afraid to rock the boat, afraid of the other foo members

turning on them the same way they've turned on you. Maybe they are completely

brainwashed and don't believe that the abuser is an abuser at all. Or worse,

they are well aware of the abuse inflicted on you but to them it was/is just

" normal, OK, and no big deal. " That's sad, and frustrating, and enraging, and

it hurts all at the same time.

All I can suggest is that you create a new FaceBook account using an anonymous

ID, but privately let your work friends know its you by phone or by e-mail, so

that they will " friend " you. That way you can have a relationship with them

that has nothing to do with your foo.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I find myself being horrifically angry right now. I don't know why it is

> bothering me so much.

>

> Before my daughter's birthday party I contacted two family members intending

> to invite them to the party. I did not think that this branch of the family

> would support nada. Well, the two that I spoke to(I reminded them not to

> tell nada where/when the party is) apparently reported right to their

> grandmother(nada/s sister) that I was still not talking to nada. Nada's

> sister called me ranting and acting just like nada.

>

> I had recently gotten a facebook page but kept comments and photos of my

> children off of it since I had family as friends. Mainly, I wanted facebook

> for old coworkers to keep in touch. Once I realized that they were

> supporting her I removed them all from facebook. I decided to do what I

> wanted and share photos of my beautiful daughters with the coworkers(now the

> only friends left on facebook) who all know my children.

>

> All has been fine for 1 1/2 months now. All of a sudden last night one of

> the cousins that I removed(one of the two I spoke to who ratted me out, so

> to speak) sent me another friend request. I refused it but not the anger

> and paranoia are back.

>

> I am furious that she would dare try to get back in touch after throwing me

> under the bus like that. I am afraid that by refusing her request the

> family will rally again to make my life miserable. By the way they have

> behaved I can assume that refusing her request will be seen as more abuse

> from me. No one is willing to admit that I am not being abusive but

> protecting myself from abuse.

>

> I am not prepared right now to deal with the BS but not knowing what is

> being planned now terrifies me. I am so tempted to message her and demand

> to know why she sold me out and how she could treat me this way. My head

> knows better, though. I know that no matter what I say to her she will

> defend herself, her grandmother, and nada. I still so desperately wish that

> someone in the family would be 100% on my side. I don't understand how

> people can witness a child, and now an adult child, be treated this way and

> ignore and condone it.

>

September 13, 2010

I get requests from my FOO all the time. I just hit ignore and try not to

think about it again. Then I usually block them. If you block her, she won't

be able to contact you again.

Remember the first rule of No Contact is there is no fight club. Errr, I

mean, don't respond don't respond don't respond don't respond. . . right? I

love that list Randi sent out.

On Mon, Sep 13, 2010 at 10:45 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Hi ,

>

> That kind of blind, brainless loyalty toward the abuser would make me angry

> also. All I can guess is that your family of origin is made up of very weak

> individuals who are afraid to rock the boat, afraid of the other foo members

> turning on them the same way they've turned on you. Maybe they are

> completely brainwashed and don't believe that the abuser is an abuser at

> all. Or worse, they are well aware of the abuse inflicted on you but to them

> it was/is just " normal, OK, and no big deal. " That's sad, and frustrating,

> and enraging, and it hurts all at the same time.

>

> All I can suggest is that you create a new FaceBook account using an

> anonymous ID, but privately let your work friends know its you by phone or

> by e-mail, so that they will " friend " you. That way you can have a

> relationship with them that has nothing to do with your foo.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I find myself being horrifically angry right now. I don't know why it is

> > bothering me so much.

> >

> > Before my daughter's birthday party I contacted two family members

> intending

> > to invite them to the party. I did not think that this branch of the

> family

> > would support nada. Well, the two that I spoke to(I reminded them not to

> > tell nada where/when the party is) apparently reported right to their

> > grandmother(nada/s sister) that I was still not talking to nada. Nada's

> > sister called me ranting and acting just like nada.

> >

> > I had recently gotten a facebook page but kept comments and photos of my

> > children off of it since I had family as friends. Mainly, I wanted

> facebook

> > for old coworkers to keep in touch. Once I realized that they were

> > supporting her I removed them all from facebook. I decided to do what I

> > wanted and share photos of my beautiful daughters with the coworkers(now

> the

> > only friends left on facebook) who all know my children.

> >

> > All has been fine for 1 1/2 months now. All of a sudden last night one of

> > the cousins that I removed(one of the two I spoke to who ratted me out,

> so

> > to speak) sent me another friend request. I refused it but not the anger

> > and paranoia are back.

> >

> > I am furious that she would dare try to get back in touch after throwing

> me

> > under the bus like that. I am afraid that by refusing her request the

> > family will rally again to make my life miserable. By the way they have

> > behaved I can assume that refusing her request will be seen as more abuse

> > from me. No one is willing to admit that I am not being abusive but

> > protecting myself from abuse.

> >

> > I am not prepared right now to deal with the BS but not knowing what is

> > being planned now terrifies me. I am so tempted to message her and demand

> > to know why she sold me out and how she could treat me this way. My head

> > knows better, though. I know that no matter what I say to her she will

> > defend herself, her grandmother, and nada. I still so desperately wish

> that

> > someone in the family would be 100% on my side. I don't understand how

> > people can witness a child, and now an adult child, be treated this way

> and

> > ignore and condone it.

> >

September 13, 2010

That's an understandable feeling to me. Its frustrating to realize that we

probably will have no justice regarding this, in this life.

-Annie

>

> I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain

> the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada

> accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for

> supporting her in her abuse.

>

> Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired

> of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me.

>

September 13, 2010

That's an understandable feeling to me. Its frustrating to realize that we

probably will have no justice regarding this, in this life.

-Annie

>

> I know I can't respond and I don't. I just get tempted to either explain

> the situation and fantasize that they will see the light and hold nada

> accountable for her actions or I want to verbally tear them apart for

> supporting her in her abuse.

>

> Neither of these responses will get me anywhere. Sometimes I just get tired

> of being the bigger person and want them to hurt like they hurt me.

>

September 14, 2010

Someone else here, another member put this more eloquently than I can, but the

concept that I (and other KOs too, I think) had a hard time absorbing is the

idea that a *pattern* of abuse isn't OK, at all.

Not ever.

Anyone can make a mistake, anyone can have a bad day, or be very ill or in pain

or hormonally " deranged " (from pregnancy, for example) and say something mean

(deliberately intended to hurt) that they then feel badly about and want to fix.

Normal, mentally healthy apologize when they do that, and make a point of not

doing it again.

But a long-term *pattern* of abusive, hurtful, manipulative,

meant-to-cut-your-heart-out, demeaning, shaming statements aimed at you over

spans of time isn't justifiable or excusable.

If you buy a pet dog and you feed it every day, give it water every day, play

with it and groom it every day, but also give it a good, hard kick every day,

hard enough to crack a rib (or, if you just back the dog into a corner and

scream at it and threaten it with a stick every day) do you think the dog is

going to stay with you? Maybe for a while, but eventually the dog will run

away. The good treatment doesn't outweigh the injury its receiving or the

terror and bewilderment its feeling. Treating a dog like that destroys the

dog's trust in its master, and it will flee out of self-preservation. In this

way, dogs are smarter than people.

But we human beings have evolved to be utterly, abjectly dependent on a parent

for so many more years than a dog is utterly dependent; this makes human beings

much easier to program to accept or tolerate abuse from the primary

caregiver/parent whether its emotional or physical. Particularly if there is an

enabler in the household as well, who does nothing to prevent the emotional or

physical (or sexual) abuse.

An article I posted recently discusses the idea that its the non-mentally-ill

enabler parent who can end up doing the most damage to the child.

So, just keep reminding yourself that just because your nada fed you and clothed

you and gave you a place to sleep when you were growing up, or just because she

makes you soup sometimes, or is kind to you sometimes, that does not make up for

or cancel out the abuse she inflicts.

A pattern of abuse is never OK.

-Annie

>

> I can soo relate to this. My biggest struggle is to try and get some

solidarity, acknowledgement or validation from my FOO. I am very close to my

sister and we have faced together, through the years, all the dramas, the

medical emergencies, the rages etc. But, even now, she still sides, most of the

time, with Nada and tries to guilt trip me over the fact that I decided to keep

very LC with nada.

>

> It really hurts me that, of all people, she should know better. Sis actually

recognizes that nada is BPD, but every few months, she still falls into the

'enmeshment pit' again. Then she starts to side with nada, repeating her words

and her 'reasoning' and it is a constant struggle to to have my side heard.

>

> Gosh, I can't stand the expression 'Oh, it is not THAT bad' or 'she is not

that awful'.

>

> When my mother came and started demanding and requiring 24/7 attention - as

usual - and did not acknowledge for a second that we were coming out of a long

cancer battle (she blurted that we were the only people she knows that

'overreact' so much to cancer!), when she belittled my 13-year-old (Oh, nobody

can say you are beautiful, maybe just cute...), when she started talking about

her sexual exploits (I slept with a famour actor! and I know it is not even

true) just to shock my kids, my sister only pointed out that nada actually

cooked for us. Arrgh! We have talked some many times about nada 'gifts' or

'help' that always come with strings attached. She cooks a damn soup so that we

need to profusely and constantly thank her and compliment her - possibly all day

long.

>

> So, I hear you. It is sad and infuriating when FOO does not show solidarity.

>

September 14, 2010

That is very well put. It's so confusing to have a parent act like a parent

sometimes while abusing us other times.

Casey

> >

> > I can soo relate to this. My biggest struggle is to try and get some

solidarity, acknowledgement or validation from my FOO. I am very close to my

sister and we have faced together, through the years, all the dramas, the

medical emergencies, the rages etc. But, even now, she still sides, most of the

time, with Nada and tries to guilt trip me over the fact that I decided to keep

very LC with nada.

> >

> > It really hurts me that, of all people, she should know better. Sis actually

recognizes that nada is BPD, but every few months, she still falls into the

'enmeshment pit' again. Then she starts to side with nada, repeating her words

and her 'reasoning' and it is a constant struggle to to have my side heard.

> >

> > Gosh, I can't stand the expression 'Oh, it is not THAT bad' or 'she is not

that awful'.

> >

> > When my mother came and started demanding and requiring 24/7 attention - as