Re: Re: too tramatized to be a good daughter in law

[Guest guest]

i like your take on it. it gives me a lot to think about.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 12:32 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Hmmm KF, on the mom/Anne thing- I wonder if she just wants to have sort of

> a

> professional distance from you? I know that sounds weird. . . but it might

> be okay to not be totally involved and enmeshed in DH's family, right? That

> would be my take on it. I don't know, I used to run up to every new person

> like an abandoned puppy " will you be my mom? " and then after finding this

> group and everything, I've learned to watch that tendancy in myself.

> Because

> the answer is no - they have kids of their own, a life of their own, and I

> don't really want them to take me in just out of pity. We missed out on

> parenting and there is no replacing it.

>

> More about my situation with my " in-laws " - like I said, I've been with Dear

> Boyfriend (DB) for quite a while - 5 years now. And we aren't getting

> married, I don't believe in it and he just doesn't really care either way.

> He is from a HUGE family with 8 children. And then all but 1 of those

> children are married, and most have kids of their own. And they are all

> extremely religious and DB and I are not religious, in fact, we are pretty

> much concientious objectors to the religion we were both raised in. In my

> case, nada used church like a weapon to beat me with and in his case, it

> was

> just kind of like a fraternity he wasn't interested in belonging to. We are

> actually pretty close to one of his sisters, and I talk to her on Facebook

> or text her or call her more than boyfriend does himself, because we have

> interests in common (art and craft) and we do shows together and things. As

> for the others, we just kind of have a friendly relationship, with lots of

> barriers to being close - they all live in the same small town about an

> hour

> away, they go to church together, and they are all raising children

> together while we are not. Plus the religion thing. Its just a way

> different

> lifestyle. But we are there for them if they need us. So its not like a

> terrible relationship, its just that I'm not really super interested in

> them, its just kind of a superficial relationship. And I dread the long

> days

> - weddings, funerals and holidays when we have to go down there and hang

> out

> for 12 hours at a time with nothing really to do. But thats about as bad as

> it gets. Boyfriend is - how do I say it - a little introverted or

> something,

> he is an artist and has his own way of seeing the world, his own priorities

> and his own things he wants to spend his time on. So he TOTALLY understands

> that I don't want to spend my hours down with his family doing nothing.

> We've got shit to do! Now, if his nieces wanted me to teach them an art

> class, dance, cooking, etc anything really, I'd be all over it. I'd love to

> pass on some of the skills that were taught to me when I was young (not by

> nada of course). But it seems to me that family gatherings are just a lot

> of

> sitting around and not accomplishing anything - and that is just not my

> style. I've got a career, a home, 3 dogs, a second career in the arts, and

> boyfriend's art career to promote. I don't have time to just " hang out. "

> Especially hang out with people I have nothing in common with. When my

> friends and I hang out, its because we are making a project together,

> promoting an event, doing choreography, pasting up posters, or training and

> walking our dogs etc - I know, I need to learn to chill. But as the

> overacheiver variety of KO that I am, I don't see that ever happening. Ha

> ha

>

> Make sense? So we're not close. We're not really distant - I'm just sort

> of.

> . . not that interested. I mean, if something happened I would be there for

> them. For instance about 4 years ago one of DB's brother's ODed really

> really bad, and they brought him to a hospital right by my house. I went to

> see him every day and took care of him. I was needed. But when I don't have

> a task to do, I'd rather move on and go do my tasks than just sit there

> talking about nothing.

>

> On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:33 AM, shirleyspawn <talexander73@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > LB -

> >

> > " But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

> > upbringings! "

> >

> > I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks.

> In

> > my in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can

> get

> > a reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming,

> documented

> > evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and

> criticizes

> > me for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him

> > take our son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be

> > around them unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who

> > are just wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any

> > " big family " event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the

> > extended family excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's

> > bunch show up. So one group of toxic people poisons things for everyone

> > else. Same old story.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

i like your take on it. it gives me a lot to think about.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 12:32 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Hmmm KF, on the mom/Anne thing- I wonder if she just wants to have sort of

> a

> professional distance from you? I know that sounds weird. . . but it might

> be okay to not be totally involved and enmeshed in DH's family, right? That

> would be my take on it. I don't know, I used to run up to every new person

> like an abandoned puppy " will you be my mom? " and then after finding this

> group and everything, I've learned to watch that tendancy in myself.

> Because

> the answer is no - they have kids of their own, a life of their own, and I

> don't really want them to take me in just out of pity. We missed out on

> parenting and there is no replacing it.

>

> More about my situation with my " in-laws " - like I said, I've been with Dear

> Boyfriend (DB) for quite a while - 5 years now. And we aren't getting

> married, I don't believe in it and he just doesn't really care either way.

> He is from a HUGE family with 8 children. And then all but 1 of those

> children are married, and most have kids of their own. And they are all

> extremely religious and DB and I are not religious, in fact, we are pretty

> much concientious objectors to the religion we were both raised in. In my

> case, nada used church like a weapon to beat me with and in his case, it

> was

> just kind of like a fraternity he wasn't interested in belonging to. We are

> actually pretty close to one of his sisters, and I talk to her on Facebook

> or text her or call her more than boyfriend does himself, because we have

> interests in common (art and craft) and we do shows together and things. As

> for the others, we just kind of have a friendly relationship, with lots of

> barriers to being close - they all live in the same small town about an

> hour

> away, they go to church together, and they are all raising children

> together while we are not. Plus the religion thing. Its just a way

> different

> lifestyle. But we are there for them if they need us. So its not like a

> terrible relationship, its just that I'm not really super interested in

> them, its just kind of a superficial relationship. And I dread the long

> days

> - weddings, funerals and holidays when we have to go down there and hang

> out

> for 12 hours at a time with nothing really to do. But thats about as bad as

> it gets. Boyfriend is - how do I say it - a little introverted or

> something,

> he is an artist and has his own way of seeing the world, his own priorities

> and his own things he wants to spend his time on. So he TOTALLY understands

> that I don't want to spend my hours down with his family doing nothing.

> We've got shit to do! Now, if his nieces wanted me to teach them an art

> class, dance, cooking, etc anything really, I'd be all over it. I'd love to

> pass on some of the skills that were taught to me when I was young (not by

> nada of course). But it seems to me that family gatherings are just a lot

> of

> sitting around and not accomplishing anything - and that is just not my

> style. I've got a career, a home, 3 dogs, a second career in the arts, and

> boyfriend's art career to promote. I don't have time to just " hang out. "

> Especially hang out with people I have nothing in common with. When my

> friends and I hang out, its because we are making a project together,

> promoting an event, doing choreography, pasting up posters, or training and

> walking our dogs etc - I know, I need to learn to chill. But as the

> overacheiver variety of KO that I am, I don't see that ever happening. Ha

> ha

>

> Make sense? So we're not close. We're not really distant - I'm just sort

> of.

> . . not that interested. I mean, if something happened I would be there for

> them. For instance about 4 years ago one of DB's brother's ODed really

> really bad, and they brought him to a hospital right by my house. I went to

> see him every day and took care of him. I was needed. But when I don't have

> a task to do, I'd rather move on and go do my tasks than just sit there

> talking about nothing.

>

> On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:33 AM, shirleyspawn <talexander73@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > LB -

> >

> > " But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

> > upbringings! "

> >

> > I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks.

> In

> > my in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can

> get

> > a reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming,

> documented

> > evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and

> criticizes

> > me for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him

> > take our son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be

> > around them unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who

> > are just wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any

> > " big family " event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the

> > extended family excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's

> > bunch show up. So one group of toxic people poisons things for everyone

> > else. Same old story.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>