Southernosity from - Ray Bedal

[Guest guest]

Southernosity!Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniptionfit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,beans, etc., make up "a mess."Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder."Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going totown, be back directly."Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for thewhite, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in themiddle of the table.All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use theterm, but they know the concept well.Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for aneighbor in trouble is a plate of fried chicken and a big bowl of coldpotato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know toadd a large banana puddin!Only Southerners grow up knowin the difference between "right near"and "aright far piece."They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between aredneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turnsignal is actually going to make a turn.A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues,"we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they'rerelated, even if only by marriage.Southerners never refer to one person as "ya' ll." Southerners know gritscome from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes witheggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravyis also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you arein the presence of a genuine Southerner!Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicatesthe need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened."Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little oldladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" andgo your own way.To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in themorning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hardtime understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear theyare fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And forthose that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'llneed a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't from the Southbut I got here as fast as I could."Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.