joke

[Guest guest]

Broom Closet

Two brooms were hung in the closet next to each other for a long time. They

got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was,

of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom

looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and

suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and

said to the groom broom " I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!! "

" IMPOSSIBLE !! " said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this

Its really gonna grab ya!

here it comes

" WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET! "

[Guest guest]

last words

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five> years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black> boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the> circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.> > They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2> percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma,> Florida, Texas, were different, In these states over 89.3 percent of the final words were: > "Hold my beer and watch this." > >

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/7/00 4:27:38 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

IdahoJudee@... writes:

<<

>>

Judee , thanks for the jokes. YOu sure do make my day.LOL What would we

ever do without you????? YOu better not go on too many more vacations. I

miss you.

Love

[Guest guest]

Judee,

Where in the world do you get these! This one was great!

Thanks!

Glenda

On Sat, 7 Oct 2000 13:10:16 -0600, Rpolychondritisegroups wrote:

>

> last words

>

>

> The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had

for the past five

> > years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto

makers installed black

> > boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in

fatal accidents, the

> > circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

> >

> > They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words

of drivers in 61.2

> > percent of fatal crashes were, " Oh, Shit! " Only the states of Arkansas,

Missouri, Oklahoma,

> > Florida, Texas, were different, In these states over 89.3 percent of

the final words were:

> > " Hold my beer and watch this. "

> >

> >

>

_______________________________________________________

Say Bye to Slow Internet!

http://www.home.com/xinbox/signup.html

[Guest guest]

Subject: Joke

> The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and

> asked if she might have the sentence: " If you can read this,

> you're too damned close, " embroidered on her panties and bra.

>

> " Yes madam, " said the clerk. " I'm quite certain that could be

> done. Would you prefer block or script letters? "

>

> " Braille, " she replied.

>

> ~~~

>

> The father cried as the twin daughters selected costly wedding

> gowns.

>

> His wife said, " Honey, don't be sad. "

>

> The husband replied, " Darling, I don't mind giving them away

> in marriage, but must they be so expensively gift wrapped? "

>

[Guest guest]

I love it. Laughed and laughed

>

>Reply-To: Rpolychondritisegroups

>To: " Onelist " <Rpolychondritisegroups>

>Subject: joke

>Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 11:33:10 -0600

>

>

>A MARRIED MAN LEFT WORK EARLY ONE FRIDAY AFTERNOON. INSTEAD OF GOING

> > > HOME,

> > > > HOWEVER, HE SQUANDERED THE WEEKEND (AND HIS PAYCHECK) PARTYING WITH

> > THE

> > > > BOYS. WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHT, HE RAN INTO A

> > > FURIOUS

> > > > WIFE. AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS OF NAGGING AND BERATING, HIS WIFE

> > ASKED,

> > > " HOW

> > > > WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS!?! "

> > " THAT

> > > > WOULD SUIT ME JUST FINE!! " SO, MONDAY WENT BY, AND THE MAN DIDN'T

>SEE

> > > HIS

> > > > WIFE. TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY CAME AND WENT WITH THE SAME RESULT.

>COME

> > > > THURSDAY, THE SWELLING WENT DOWN A BIT AND HE COULD SEE HER A

>LITTLE,

> > > JUST

> > > > OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS LEFT EYE.....

> > > > >>

> > >

> > >

>

>

_________________________________________________________________________

Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com.

Share information about yourself, create your own public profile at

http://profiles.msn.com.

[Guest guest]

Judee,

That's a good one!LOL

Thanks!

Glenda

On Sun, 8 Oct 2000 11:33:10 -0600, Rpolychondritisegroups wrote:

>

> A MARRIED MAN LEFT WORK EARLY ONE FRIDAY AFTERNOON. INSTEAD OF GOING

> > > HOME,

> > > > HOWEVER, HE SQUANDERED THE WEEKEND (AND HIS PAYCHECK) PARTYING

WITH

> > THE

> > > > BOYS. WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED HOME ON SUNDAY NIGHT, HE RAN INTO A

> > > FURIOUS

> > > > WIFE. AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS OF NAGGING AND BERATING, HIS WIFE

> > ASKED,

> > > " HOW

> > > > WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS!?! "

> > " THAT

> > > > WOULD SUIT ME JUST FINE!! " SO, MONDAY WENT BY, AND THE MAN DIDN'T

> SEE

> > > HIS

> > > > WIFE. TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY CAME AND WENT WITH THE SAME RESULT.

> COME

> > > > THURSDAY, THE SWELLING WENT DOWN A BIT AND HE COULD SEE HER A

LITTLE,

> > > JUST

> > > > OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS LEFT EYE.....

> > > > >>

> > >

> > >

>

>

_______________________________________________________

Say Bye to Slow Internet!

http://www.home.com/xinbox/signup.html

[Guest guest]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy,

> and he said, " I don't know what to get my wife for her

> birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to

> buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped. "

>

> His buddy said, " I have an idea - why don't you make up a

> certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any

> way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled. "

>

> So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, " Well? Did

> you take my suggestion? "

>

> " Yes, I did, " said the fellow.

>

> " Did she like it? " His buddy asked.

>

> " Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the

> forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an

> hour!' "

>

[Guest guest]

Now THAT is funny!

[Guest guest]

A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor

> prescribed suppositories. A week later the man complained to

> the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

>

> " Have you been taking them regularly? " the doctor asked.

>

> " What do you think I've been doing, " the man said, " Shoving

> them up my ass? "

>

[Guest guest]

Judee

That was a good one!

Lots of Love

Glenda

--- IdahoJudee wrote:

>

> A man was suffering from constipation, so his

> doctor

> > prescribed suppositories. A week later the man

> complained to

> > the doctor that they didn't produce the desired

> results.

> >

> > " Have you been taking them regularly? " the doctor

> asked.

> >

> > " What do you think I've been doing, " the man said,

> " Shoving

> > them up my ass? "

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Judee that is a cute one. LOL thank you .

Heidi

>

> Sherlock Holmes and Dr. went on a camping trip. After a good meal

> > and

> > > a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went

to

> > > sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend

> > awake.

> > >

> > > " , look up at the sky and tell me what you see. "

> > >

> > > replied, " I see millions and millions of stars. "

> > >

> > > " What does that tell you? " Holmes questioned.

> > >

> > > pondered for a minute.

> > >

> > > " Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and

> > > potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is

in

> > Leo.

> > > Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past

three.

> > > Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are

small

> > and

> > > insignificant.

> > > Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. "

> > >

> > > " Is that all? " Holmes asked.

> > >

> > > " Yes. " replied. " Why, am I missing something? "

> > >

> > > Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: " , Someone has

> > > stolen the tent. "

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

> DISCLAIMER!!

> WE ARE NOT MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, THEREFORE ANY INFORMATION THAT IS

RECEIVED HERE IS FROM EXPERIENCE ONLY. PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR

BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING THAT IS SUGGESTED. WE ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR YOUR

PHYSICIAN AND ARE NOT TRYING TO BE. REMEMBER EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT AND

TREATMENT MAYBE DIFFERENT FOR MANY OF US. THANK YOU

>

[Guest guest]

Judee,

That is a good one.LOL

Lots of Love

Glenda

--- IdahoJudee wrote:

>

> Sherlock Holmes and Dr. went on a camping

> trip. After a good meal

> > and

> > > a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent

> for the night and went to

> > > sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and

> nudged his faithful friend

> > awake.

> > >

> > > " , look up at the sky and tell me what you

> see. "

> > >

> > > replied, " I see millions and millions of

> stars. "

> > >

> > > " What does that tell you? " Holmes questioned.

> > >

> > > pondered for a minute.

> > >

> > > " Astronomically, it tells me that there are

> millions of galaxies and

> > > potentially billions of planets.

> Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in

> > Leo.

> > > Logically, I deduce that the time is

> approximately a quarter past three.

> > > Theologically, I can see that God is

> all-powerful and that we are small

> > and

> > > insignificant.

> > > Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a

> beautiful day tomorrow. "

> > >

> > > " Is that all? " Holmes asked.

> > >

> > > " Yes. " replied. " Why, am I missing

> something? "

> > >

> > > Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:

> " , Someone has

> > > stolen the tent. "

> > >

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Judee,

This was a good one too!

Lots of Love

Glenda

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Vets office:

> " all unattended children given free kitten "

>

> Plumber:

> " We repair what your husband fixed. "

>

> Pizza shop slogan:

> " 7 days without pizza makes one Weak. "

>

> At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

> " Invite us to your next blowout. "

>

> Door of a plastic surgeons office:

> " Hello, can we pick your nose? "

>

> Sign at the psychic's Hotline:

> " Don't call us, we'll call you. "

>

> At a Towing Company:

> " We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. "

>

> Billboard on the side of the road:

> " Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs. "

>

> On an Electricians truck:

> " Let us remove your shorts. "

>

> On Maternity Room Door:

> " Push, Push, Push. "

>

> At an Optometrists Office

> " If you don't see what your looking for

> you've come to the right place. "

>

> On a Taxidermist's window:

> " We really know our stuff. "

>

> In a Podiatrist's office:

> " Time wounds all heels. "

>

> On a fence:

> " Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive. "

>

> Outside a Muffler Shop:

> " No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming. "

>

> In a Veterinarians waiting room:

> " Be back in 5 minutes,

> Sit!

> Stay! "

>

> Inside a Bowling Alley:

> " Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop. "

>

> In a counselors office:

> " Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ----------

>

[Guest guest]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and

> >

> >>> > > > the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She

> asks him

> > >>> > > > why is he staring and he

> replies, " I have a question

> > >>> > > > to ask you

> but I don't want to offend you. "

> > >>> > > >

> >

> >>> > > > She answers, " My dear son, you cannot offend

> me. When

> > >>> > > > you're as old as I am and

> have been a nun as long as I

> > >>> > > > have, you

> get a chance to see and hear just about

> > >>> > >

> > everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could

> >

> >>> > > > say or ask that I would find

> offensive. "

> > >>> > > >

> > >>> > >

> > " Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss

> >

> >>> > > > me. "

> > >>> > >

> >

> > >>> > > > She responds, " Well, let's see

> what we can do about

> > >>> > > > that: #1, you

> have to be single and #2 you must be

> > >>> > > >

> Catholic. "

> > >>> > > >

> > >>> > >

> > The cab driver is very excited and says, " Yes, I am

> >

> >>> > > > single and I'm Catholic too! "

> >

> >>> > > >

> > >>> > > > " OK " the

> nun says " Pull into the next alley "

> > >>> > > >

> >

> >>> > > > He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with

> a kiss

> > >>> > > > that would make a hooker

> blush.

> > >>> > > >

> > >>> > >

> > But when they get back on the road, the cab driver

> >

> >>> > > > starts crying.

> > >>> > >

> >

> > >>> > > > " My dear child, said the nun, why

> are you crying? "

> > >>> > > >

> > >>> >

> > > " Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must

> >

> >>> > > > confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. "

> >

> >>> > > >

> > >>> > > > The nun

> says, " That's OK, my name is and I'm on

> > >>> > >

> > my way to a Halloween party. "

> > >>> > >

> >

> > >>> > > > Happy

> Halloween!

> *****************************************************

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Judee,

You do it every time! These were great as always!

Lots of Love

Glenda

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a

> > sudden

> > > >he

> > > >said out loud, " Lord grant me one wish. "

> > > >

> > > >Suddenly the sky clouded over and in a booming voice the lord

> > > >said, " Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will

> > grant

> > > >you one wish. "

> > > >

> > > >The man said, " build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over

anytime

> I

> > > >want

> > > >to. "

> > > >

> > > >The Lord Said, " Your request is very materialistic. think of the

> > > >logistic of that undertaking. The supports required to reach the

> bottom

> > of

> > > >the pacific! The concrete and the steel it would take! I can do it,

> but

> > it

> > > >is

> > > >hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little

> more

> > > >time and think of another wish you think would honor and glorify me. "

> > > >

> > > >The man thought about it for a long time.

> > > >

> > > >Finally he said, " Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.

> All

> > of

> > > >my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could

> > > >understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are

> > > >thinking

> > > >when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean

> when

> > > >they say " nothing " and how I can make a women truly happy. "

> > > >

> > > >After a few minutes the Lord said, " You want two lanes or four on

that

> > > >bridge? "

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> ________________________________________________________________________

> > > Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at

> http://www.hotmail.com

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Judee,

That is a good one!LOL

Lots of Love

Glenda

--- IdahoJudee wrote:

>

> A man walking along a California beach was deep in

> prayer. All of a

> > > sudden

> > > > >he

> > > > >said out loud, " Lord grant me one wish. "

> > > > >

> > > > >Suddenly the sky clouded over and in a

> booming voice the lord

> > > > >said, " Because you have tried to be faithful

> to me in all ways, I will

> > > grant

> > > > >you one wish. "

> > > > >

> > > > >The man said, " build me a bridge to Hawaii, so

> I can drive over

> anytime

> > I

> > > > >want

> > > > >to. "

> > > > >

> > > > >The Lord Said, " Your request is very

> materialistic. think of the

> > > > >logistic of that undertaking. The supports

> required to reach the

> > bottom

> > > of

> > > > >the pacific! The concrete and the steel it

> would take! I can do it,

> > but

> > > it

> > > > >is

> > > > >hard for me to justify your desire for

> worldly things. Take a little

> > more

> > > > >time and think of another wish you think

> would honor and glorify me. "

> > > > >

> > > > >The man thought about it for a long time.

> > > > >

> > > > >Finally he said, " Lord, I have been married

> and divorced four times.

> > All

> > > of

> > > > >my wives said that I am uncaring and

> insensitive. I wish that I could

> > > > >understand women. I want to know how they

> feel inside, what they are

> > > > >thinking

> > > > >when they give me the silent treatment, why

> they cry, what they mean

> > when

> > > > >they say " nothing " and how I can make a women

> truly happy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >After a few minutes the Lord said, " You want

> two lanes or four on

> that

> > > > >bridge? "

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> >

>

________________________________________________________________________

> > > > Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail

> at

> > http://www.hotmail.com

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an

> impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which

made

> him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This

> made him what?

>

> Oh man, this is good.......

>

> You'll love this....

>

> A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Judee,

Another good one!LOL

Lots of Love

Glenda

> > A super callused fragile mystic plagued with

> halitosis

> >

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Judee

You did it again.LOL That was a good one.

Lots of Love

Glenda

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

> > >She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst

> > >way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the

> > >local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated

> > >with the " no haggle " attitude of one of the shopkeepers,

> > >the blonde shouted,

> > >

> > > " Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I

> > >can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "

> > >

> > >The shopkeeper said, " By all means, be my guest. Maybe

> > >you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "

> > >

> > >Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,

> > >set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day,

> > >the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young

> > >woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

> > >Just then,he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly

> > >toward her.

> > >

> > >She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of

> > >effort hauls it On to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were

> > >several more of the dead creatures.

> > >

> > >The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde

> > >flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts

> > >out,

> > >

> > > " Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! "

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Judee

Oh my goodness that was a whopper! Love it!

Lots of Love

Glenda

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Subject: Dear

> Abby

>

> > >**I am informed these questions left Abby

> " speechless " :**

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, A couple of women

> moved in across the hall from me. One is a

>

> > >middle-aged gym

> teacher and the other is a social worker in her

>

> >

> >mid-twenties.

>

> > >These two women go everywhere together and

> I've never seen a man go into

>

> > >their apartment or come out.

> Do you think they could be Lebanese?

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby,

> What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence

>

> >

> >on my VCR?

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, I have a man I never

> could trust. He cheats so much I'm not

>

> > >even sure this baby

> I'm carrying is his.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, I am a

> twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on

>

> > >the pill

> for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend

>

> >

> >should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to

> discuss

>

> > >money with him.

>

>

> > >Dear Abby, I

> suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when

>

> >

> >confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it

> would

>

> > >never happen again.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear

> Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy

> who

>

> > >was raised in a good Christian home turn against his

> own?

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the

> world. I've seen it. Now how do

>

> > >I get out?

>

> >

> >

>

> > >Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a

> psychiatrist $50 an

>

> > >hour every week for two-and-a-half

> years. He must be crazy.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, I was

> married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he

>

> > >drank

> until one night he came home sober.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby,

> Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a

>

> > >little

> gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did

> it.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, My mother is mean and

> short-tempered. I think she is going

>

> > >through her mental

> pause.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, You told some woman whose

> husband had lost all interest in

>

> > >sex to send him to a

> doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex

>

> > >years

> ago and he is a doctor.

>

> > >

>

> > >**And these are classic

> replies:**

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to

> be twenty years old next month. I'd

>

> > >like to give him

> something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd

>

> >

> >like? Carol. Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give

> him a tie.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, Our son was married in

> January. Five months later his wife

>

> > >had a ten pound baby

> girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me,

>

> >

> >can a baby this big be that early? Wondering Dear Wondering: The baby

>

> > >was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

>

> >

> >

>

> > >Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history

> traced, but I

>

> > >can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any

> suggestions? Sam.

>

> > >Dear Sam. Yes, Run for

> public office.

>

> > >

>

> > >Dear Abby, What inspires you

> most to write? Ted. Dear Ted, The Bureau

>

> > >of Internal

> Revenue.

>

>

> > >Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would

> like to meet a man my

>

> > >age with no bad habits.

> Rose. Dear Rose, So would

> I.

>

>

>