Feeling Sad

[Guest guest]

Hello Ladies,

I know that I do not post much, but I am always here in the

background reading and try to respond if I have something to add that

may not have been mentioned in someone's response. This is long as I

am feeling down, so beware

I have just having one of those days that I was feeling down and

figured this was the best group to vent to, since we all have been

there at some point.

Part of my feeling down stems from the fact that a friend's daughter

just died this past week and her funeral was this weekend. She spent

the past 360 days in NICU, as she was born at 25 weeks, and

peacefully passed on the 11th to join her twin brother.

This Thursday I have my 4th HSG. My 3rd Hsyteroscopy was in June and

this test will tell us how it went. I am not feeling too

optimistic...partly because I have had 2 others and my scaring seems

to continue to grow back in the same place. I finished my estrogen

and progesterone last week and started to bleed on saturday (which I

was happy about), but it just isn't as heavy as I feel it should have

been to make me excited. It was never really red (just pink on

saturday) and the volume just very very light. There was a bit more

cramping than normal, so I am convinced that my HSG will show

scarring again.

Seems like a never ending cycle. I am just soo tired of the

surgeries and mentally exhausted. I know that if the results state

that I do have the scarring reoccurance, I do not want to go through

another surgery (atleast not now). I would consider it later, but

just not now.

If I did have another surgery and it worked where there was no more

scaring, I have other issues to conqur. 1) endometrium lining -

currently 3mm 2) size and shape of my uterus - tshaped and small.

Since I have had 4 miscarriages before AS diagnosis, I am a little

afraid to have gone through all this just to have another miscarriage

or even worse a preterm delivery that results in the same issues that

my friend has gone through.

I want to be as realistic as I can about all of this and as much as I

want children I dont think I am willing to go as far as others. I

have thought about surrogacy from time and time again and I like the

idea more and more each time I think about it. We could genetically

have our own child, and concerns of my own inadequate uterus would go

out the window. It would be nice to carry my own child, but I don't

mind giving up that dream, to still get the same result of having my

own child.

Do I sound completely crazy? It is just hard when the years continue

to go by and all I think about is being pregnant or having children.

My poor husband, he is so supportive and feels so sad that I am sad

and is in so much pain when I have surgery, he feels so helpless. He

wants children too, but is happy with our life the way that it is and

does not mind if we can't have children. I too am happy with our

life the way that it is, but can't imagine that life without kids.

So sorry to have rambled on...just feeling so sad. I will definitely

let you all know what the results of the HSG on Thurday are, but I

have a feeling I already know.

Cortney