Re: help...I'm not sure if I'm in the right place...

[Guest guest]

I feel bad that we didn't bond sooner, but it took a tour of duty for my sister

to want to come back to our family....

> > > >I have reason to believe she's BP. When we were growing up, mi

> > > >madre was prone to HORRIBLE mood swings, temper tantrums,

> > > >screaming, etc. When she was angry she'd grab us by the hair

> > > >and shake us. We were often given swats with a paddle when we

> > > >were in trouble and then subjected to yelling, screaming, or

> > > >silent treatments.

> > > >

> > > >I feel like it goes way beyond " stern " into something else.

> > > >

> > > >She was an alcoholic for probably the first 10 years of my

> > > >life. When she was not angry I mostly remember her sobbing and

> > > >crying " Why me? " as if we were an atrocious blight on her

> > > >being. I believe dad made her stop drinking after a night of

> > > >heavy drinking where I had to hide the car keys.

> > > >

> > > >One day at school my sister ended up telling someone in the

> > > >school office that they couldn't tell our parents (something

> > > >like running up a $10 tab in the lunch room) because she'd beat

> > > >us. They sent out social workers to our home - my mother was

> > > >the picture of kindness with exasperation while they

> > > >interviewed her and my sister, but when the social workers were

> > > >gone the woman never let my sister live it down. I could see

> > > >how that would be distressing as a parent - but the way my

> > > >sister was punished seemed ... excessive.

> > > >

> > > >When I'd break something - like the top of the glass cake

> > > >stand, I'd hide in the yard out by the horse pastures,

> > > >listening for the screaming to die down. During the cake stand

> > > >incident I remember her voice coming from the deck: " When I

> > > >find you, I'm going to kill you! " followed by scary

> > > >laughing. We were kids, but mistakes and broken glasses

> > > >weren't allowed. To this day I still cry in terror if I drop a

> > > >glass in my own home.

> > > >

> > > >I remember the two weeks after I'd gotten my driver's license -

> > > >I ended up in an accident while I had friends in the car

> > > >(forbidden, but I figured it'd be okay this once). When we got

> > > >home, all I could do was shrug and flippantly say " well... That

> > > >wasn't cool - but I learned. I might as well get my one

> > > >accident out of the way now, right? " A very positive spin on a

> > > >lame situation for a high school sophomore. I was greeted with

> > > >fury for that - screaming, berating. I was stupid. I'd

> > > >embarrassed her. I was grounded for an entire year. I was

> > > >stuck out in that house, 20 miles out of town, only let out for

> > > >school. And now? I had a fender bender the other day and cried

> > > >uncontrollably in fear that somehow I was in trouble.

> > > >

> > > >There were far lesser trespasses than that, but my sister and I

> > > >learned to live in fear. She was unpredictable. She would

> > > >become enraged at the drop of a hat, grabbing an arm or our

> > > >hair and shaking us while screaming at us... but she didn't

> > > >always do that...

> > > >

> > > >When I got ready to graduate, she told me I had to do it on my

> > > >own - I wasn't going to ruin her credit by taking out student

> > > >loans. She refused to help fill out the FAFSA. She did it, she

> > > >said - why couldn't I? I talked to school officials and every

> > > >one of them said " You have to fill out the FAFSA paperwork " . I

> > > >was a 3.8 GPA student, and I was accepted to the schools I'd

> > > >applied for, but I couldn't pay even one quarter's tuition.

> > > >Until that summer, I wasn't allowed to drive my car because I

> > > >had to pay my own insurance so I got a month's worth of

> > > >insurance on loan from mom (the family accountant). I paid it

> > > >back, paid my insurance, and was able to save about $1300 for

> > > >school. The school that I got into required $5000 for first

> > > >quarter tuition. I decided I was never going to get out of

> > > >that cycle while I still lived with them so I packed up and

> > > >moved overnight, with the help of a boyfriend. I called and

> > > >told them I wasn't coming back from vacation. She was

> > > >angry. My dad was incredibly sad. It was the first time I'd

> > > >realized how quick she was at severing ties to those around

> > > >her. She'd attract new people and then suddenly some strange

> > > >fallout would cause them to leave her. She was never in the

> > > >wrong. I took her statements at face value.

> > > >

> > > >I went through a lot - a rocky relationship that culminated in

> > > >an unstable marriage. She took great pride in arranging the

> > > >wedding with my ex-MIL. I had no say in most of the choices -

> > > >especially when it came to whether or not I wanted to be

> > > >married. I played victim cus I thought I had to. At the

> > > >wedding she and my step-brother got into a pretty righteous

> > > >fight, because he mentioned his therapist said he had a lot of

> > > >relationship baggage from his relationship with my mother. If

> > > >they weren't close then, they definitely severed ties at the

> > > >wedding.

> > > >

> > > >She did loan me the money for a retainer for my divorce

> > > >attorney. I went through some pretty frightening boyfriends

> > > >after that. She started counselling me. She sent volumes of

> > > >self help books and micromanaged my finances and my

> > > >feelings. I had to report to her - from 600 miles away - what

> > > >my checkbook looked like, how my budget was, even after I'd

> > > >repaid the retainer loan. She sent me the Secret, she told me I

> > > >shouldn't be a victim. She sent pills that I was supposed to

> > > >take and I let her micromanage and instruct my lifestyle.

> > > >

> > > >My sister became pregnant and mom stopped calling so much. I

> > > >kind of set out on my own. I started to feel the release of

> > > >not being micromanaged. I made my own plan, my own schedule

> > > >and I started growing as a person. In the meantime, mom was

> > > >busy enforcing. She told my sister that the baby had to be

> > > >aborted. When my sister declined, mom forcefully drove her

> > > >down to an adoption agency and helped my sister sign up. My

> > > >mother was still her guardian. Then at 7 months pregnant, my

> > > >mom decided she couldn't take my sister any longer and kicked

> > > >her out of the house. My sister hadn't yet graduated high

> > > >school. Once she adopted out the baby, she signed up for the

> > > >Marines and left. The calls started coming again from

> > > >mom. They were tainted with weirdness. They were all about

> > > >manifesting and an angel named Benu and little green men. I

> > > >listened with humor, but I started to feel like maybe she'd

> > > >gone a little nuts.

> > > >

> > > >2.5 years ago, mom decided she hated my Grandmother's

> > > >12-year-long boyfriend. Gran is a little loopy at times, but

> > > >very functional. GIL (Gran's boyfriend now husband) lost a leg,

> > > >but gets around on his walker pretty well. We went down for a

> > > >visit the summer prior (my mom and I) during which she got into

> > > >a screaming match with GIL, and flew home from our trip 3 days

> > > >early. She decided then that she was going to split them

> > > >up. So the next summer she petitioned to get power of Attorney

> > > >because GIL was " stealing her father's money " and because Gran

> > > >has just a touch of dementia. She involved me - she told me

> > > >she had something really important to do, I couldn't know about

> > > >it. No wait, I could know about it but I had to promise to

> > > >back her up. I had to promise unconditionally to help her. I

> > > >was going to fly down with her to help her take my Gran from

> > > >their home to a senior center. Then she was going to sue GIL

> > > >for stealing all the family money. I sadly bought my tickets,

> > > >while still voicing that I didn't feel right about this plan.

> > > >

> > > >GIL and Gran found out about this and hired an attorney. A few

> > > >days before we were supposed to fly, she called me, enraged

> > > >that they'd gotten an attorney - convinced I'd told on

> > > >her. She told me how wrong I was to support them (though I was

> > > >supposed to be going to help her). I said I'd bought tickets

> > > >to help, even though I'd had reservations. She ended up

> > > >screaming " I told you so " at me, and hung up on me. We didn't

> > > >talk from September to Christmas, after that. In fact, we

> > > >didn't really have any contact until the next July. She seemed

> > > >to be okay then... but recently I found out that she's been

> > > >harboring that grudge against me for 2.5 years.

> > > >

> > > >I feel bad for my dad - that he's catching the brunt of

> > > >this. He's acknowledged her wild mood swings and temper. Now,

> > > >when he comes out to visit me, I can guarantee that she'll call

> > > >him, get mad and scream at him over the phone and then hang up

> > > >on him.

> > > >

> > > >Cue my impending wedding. I mentioned to my dad that some of

> > > >his side of the family couldn't come up, so when we're on

> > > >honeymoon we'd go see them. Mom finds out about this plan and

> > > >sends me an email detailing how my dad's family is dangerous

> > > >with dark secrets about molestation, fraud and " dirty

> > > >dealings " . There was a lot of speculation about how an aunt

> > > >hated my grandfather because she was raised with the

> > > >step-father. I remember hearing something about that as a kid,

> > > >but I know that the offending person passed away when I was

> > > >12. We bantered back and forth - with my first statements

> > > >being " I'd rather not engage in speculation of that sort. " She

> > > >told me that was nice, but she couldn't ever let go of what

> > > >she'd been through (though none of what was in her original

> > > >email even happened in her side of the family!). It definitely

> > > >degraded into the blame game - with her telling me that I'm

> > > >rude and that she doesn't " hobnob with thieves " . She told me

> > > >she felt like she had a clear conscience in spite of the

> > > >accusations against her. She told me there's a reason she

> > > >hasn't spoken with me for the last 2.5 years (which is BS -

> > > >we've definitely spoken). Finally, she became snide and told

> > > >me that " we'll make nice until the wedding and after that we

> > > >can go our separate ways. "

> > > >

> > > >I don't know what to do... I can't cut them off because I'd

> > > >like to spend time with my dad, but he definitely doesn't rule

> > > >the roost.

> > >

> > > --

> > > Katrina

> > >

> >

>