Guest guest Posted July 29, 2010 Report Share Posted July 29, 2010 Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 I agree; learning to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with our bpd (or other Cluster mothers/fathers is important. First, you have to realize that your mentally ill mother can't or won't voluntarily of her own accord relate to you as an autonomous adult worthy of the respect she gives other adults. She will always see you as a child, a possession, an object, or a rescuer, and she will continue to treat you the way she treats you now. You will grow old waiting for her to change her feelings and behaviors, so you have to establish this respectful treatment from her for yourself. The boundaries have to come from you: adult you. The hard part is getting around our misplaced feelings of guilt, responsibility, and fear that have been programmed into us from birth. Simply expecting that we be treated with the same respect accorded to any responsible, worthy adult is difficult when we've been brainwashed to feel unworthy of respect, and conditioned to feel misplaced responsibility for the feelings, wishes and needs of a mentally ill parent. As an adult, you no longer need your mother's permission or agreement to do anything, and you don't need her permission or agreement to set reasonable boundaries for yourself regarding your relationship with her. You can set a boundary about the frequency of contact you wish to have with your mother. You can set a boundary about what kinds of comments you will or will not tolerate. You can choose how direct you wish to be if, for example, your mother starts calling you ugly names or accusing you of being a bad daughter. You can be more direct and say, " I'm sorry but I won't listen to you when you call me bad names like that, mother. I'm going to hang up now and I'll talk to you (next week). " Or you can be more indirect and say, " I can hear that you're having a bad day, I'll talk to you again (next week). " I think being more direct works better, myself. Maybe get your therapist to work with you on some boundary-setting techniques and role-play how you will do that. Its all about what works and doesn't work for you, now. best of luck to you -Annie > > > > Subject: SO glad to be here. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 10:42 PM > > > Â > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't > pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 I agree; learning to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with our bpd (or other Cluster mothers/fathers is important. First, you have to realize that your mentally ill mother can't or won't voluntarily of her own accord relate to you as an autonomous adult worthy of the respect she gives other adults. She will always see you as a child, a possession, an object, or a rescuer, and she will continue to treat you the way she treats you now. You will grow old waiting for her to change her feelings and behaviors, so you have to establish this respectful treatment from her for yourself. The boundaries have to come from you: adult you. The hard part is getting around our misplaced feelings of guilt, responsibility, and fear that have been programmed into us from birth. Simply expecting that we be treated with the same respect accorded to any responsible, worthy adult is difficult when we've been brainwashed to feel unworthy of respect, and conditioned to feel misplaced responsibility for the feelings, wishes and needs of a mentally ill parent. As an adult, you no longer need your mother's permission or agreement to do anything, and you don't need her permission or agreement to set reasonable boundaries for yourself regarding your relationship with her. You can set a boundary about the frequency of contact you wish to have with your mother. You can set a boundary about what kinds of comments you will or will not tolerate. You can choose how direct you wish to be if, for example, your mother starts calling you ugly names or accusing you of being a bad daughter. You can be more direct and say, " I'm sorry but I won't listen to you when you call me bad names like that, mother. I'm going to hang up now and I'll talk to you (next week). " Or you can be more indirect and say, " I can hear that you're having a bad day, I'll talk to you again (next week). " I think being more direct works better, myself. Maybe get your therapist to work with you on some boundary-setting techniques and role-play how you will do that. Its all about what works and doesn't work for you, now. best of luck to you -Annie > > > > Subject: SO glad to be here. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 10:42 PM > > > Â > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't > pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 I agree; learning to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with our bpd (or other Cluster mothers/fathers is important. First, you have to realize that your mentally ill mother can't or won't voluntarily of her own accord relate to you as an autonomous adult worthy of the respect she gives other adults. She will always see you as a child, a possession, an object, or a rescuer, and she will continue to treat you the way she treats you now. You will grow old waiting for her to change her feelings and behaviors, so you have to establish this respectful treatment from her for yourself. The boundaries have to come from you: adult you. The hard part is getting around our misplaced feelings of guilt, responsibility, and fear that have been programmed into us from birth. Simply expecting that we be treated with the same respect accorded to any responsible, worthy adult is difficult when we've been brainwashed to feel unworthy of respect, and conditioned to feel misplaced responsibility for the feelings, wishes and needs of a mentally ill parent. As an adult, you no longer need your mother's permission or agreement to do anything, and you don't need her permission or agreement to set reasonable boundaries for yourself regarding your relationship with her. You can set a boundary about the frequency of contact you wish to have with your mother. You can set a boundary about what kinds of comments you will or will not tolerate. You can choose how direct you wish to be if, for example, your mother starts calling you ugly names or accusing you of being a bad daughter. You can be more direct and say, " I'm sorry but I won't listen to you when you call me bad names like that, mother. I'm going to hang up now and I'll talk to you (next week). " Or you can be more indirect and say, " I can hear that you're having a bad day, I'll talk to you again (next week). " I think being more direct works better, myself. Maybe get your therapist to work with you on some boundary-setting techniques and role-play how you will do that. Its all about what works and doesn't work for you, now. best of luck to you -Annie > > > > Subject: SO glad to be here. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 10:42 PM > > > Â > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't > pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 Hey welcome to the after life of discovering WOE! So, I have to agree, Understanding the Borderline Mother was pretty much the biggest awakening of my life. And I can tell you it does get better. After some time and you set some boundries, the feeling that you were put on the earth to take care of this sick sole changes. You don't feel so responsible for them anymore. I'm 7 years into my journey. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years, and he was just telling me the other night what a long long way I've come in learning to set aside the guilt, realizing the only person I'm responsible for is me etc. Good luck!! Take care, Girlscout Understanding the Borderline Mother is another great book...my nada is 85 and since my father died 2 months ago, I any starting to feel sorry for her and a bit guilty that we're not there ( we live 425 miles away) I keep reminding myself she's never been there for me when I've needed her...so I'm mostly in the same boat as you...havent found something to make me a mirror and not a sponge...sigh Jackie > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever > > read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I > > got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I > > had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less > > > ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking > > > me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and > > then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the > > sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we > > > didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " > > It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My > > > siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing > > > their is something wrong with Mom? " > > > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the > > relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized > > and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've > > > been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 > > weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some > > residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion > > > towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to > > go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our > > relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with > > > perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more > > healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. > > I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive > > remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her > > when she actually needs me and isn't pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " > > > Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not > a > > sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 Hey welcome to the after life of discovering WOE! So, I have to agree, Understanding the Borderline Mother was pretty much the biggest awakening of my life. And I can tell you it does get better. After some time and you set some boundries, the feeling that you were put on the earth to take care of this sick sole changes. You don't feel so responsible for them anymore. I'm 7 years into my journey. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years, and he was just telling me the other night what a long long way I've come in learning to set aside the guilt, realizing the only person I'm responsible for is me etc. Good luck!! Take care, Girlscout Understanding the Borderline Mother is another great book...my nada is 85 and since my father died 2 months ago, I any starting to feel sorry for her and a bit guilty that we're not there ( we live 425 miles away) I keep reminding myself she's never been there for me when I've needed her...so I'm mostly in the same boat as you...havent found something to make me a mirror and not a sponge...sigh Jackie > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever > > read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I > > got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I > > had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less > > > ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking > > > me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and > > then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the > > sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we > > > didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " > > It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My > > > siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing > > > their is something wrong with Mom? " > > > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the > > relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized > > and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've > > > been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 > > weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some > > residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion > > > towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to > > go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our > > relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with > > > perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more > > healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. > > I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive > > remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her > > when she actually needs me and isn't pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " > > > Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not > a > > sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2010 Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 Me three! I can't believe how spot on the Walking on Eggshells book is. I'm about to tell my nada that I no longer want a relationship but that she can still see my kids. I'm rehearsing the recommendations in the book. Here's my speech: I feel tired/stressed/anxious when you're in my life. I realize that you are hurt but I don't have it in me to continue like this. Thanks for giving me the space to practice! If you have any suggestions on how to minimize the rage I'm expecting, please reply. Otherwise, wish me luck! Sfe > > > > Subject: SO glad to be here. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 10:42 PM > > > Â > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't > pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2010 Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 Me three! I can't believe how spot on the Walking on Eggshells book is. I'm about to tell my nada that I no longer want a relationship but that she can still see my kids. I'm rehearsing the recommendations in the book. Here's my speech: I feel tired/stressed/anxious when you're in my life. I realize that you are hurt but I don't have it in me to continue like this. Thanks for giving me the space to practice! If you have any suggestions on how to minimize the rage I'm expecting, please reply. Otherwise, wish me luck! Sfe > > > > Subject: SO glad to be here. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 10:42 PM > > > Â > > > > Recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the only book I've ever read in my life w/jaw dangling. I felt I was reading my whole life! I got the book because I reached the end of my rope w/my 80 yr. old Mom. I had a talk with her - before reading the book - and well, it more or less ended w/her completely discrediting MY feelings, gas lighting - by asking me what it was she said or did that would make me feel the way I do and then denying she ever said those things, reminding me of all the sacrifices she had made for me since my childhood and then saying that we didn't need to see each other right now " I can get others to DO for me. " It has been 2 wks since we've spoken, after pretty much daily contact. My siblings -their reaction-is along the lines of " You're just now realizing their is something wrong with Mom? " > > Therapist told me yesterday that I need to think on and choose the relationship I want to have with my Mom from here on out. (I recognized and told her that I need to recalibrate my expectations). LSS, while I've been pretty much RELIEVED not to have her stress in my life the past 2 weeks - she IS 80 years old -and I'm also having a lot of guilt and some residual anger. Reading the book helped me feel a good deal of compassion towards myself, and my Mom. But in terms of contacting her and where to go from here? I don't know that I'm ready. I know where I want our relationship to go - adult friendship- but I also have my own issues with perfectionism, defensiveness and residual anger. Dealing w/her in a more healthy way - IS what I want. I just don't know how to re-approach her. I love her, I'm just sick to death of being hurt by her insensitive remarks. I realize I can't change her - but I want to be there for her when she actually needs me and isn't > pulling the " push me-pull you crap. " Any simple suggestions on what has worked for you re: being a mirror not a sponge? I'm still feeling raw and spongey. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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