Re: Would appreciate your insight

[Guest guest]

as long as your husband does not abuse the kids ( either physically or

emotionally/mentally) the kids will be fine with you going back with him

Jackie

It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD

appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I

now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty

strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to

the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

[Guest guest]

as long as your husband does not abuse the kids ( either physically or

emotionally/mentally) the kids will be fine with you going back with him

Jackie

It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD

appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I

now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty

strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to

the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

[Guest guest]

as long as your husband does not abuse the kids ( either physically or

emotionally/mentally) the kids will be fine with you going back with him

Jackie

It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD

appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I

now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty

strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to

the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

[Guest guest]

My dad has undiagnosed BPD. I'm 29 years old, and just learned about BPD a

couple years ago. I have one younger brother, and a younger sister. I know

my brother has/had emotional problems, (self mutilation), and my sister

suffers from depression and might have been suicidal. While living with my

family, I had rage, delusions, etc... I'm slowly making progress. 18 years

of emotional abuse, punctuated by bouts of physical abuse has left me

emotionally scarred. I have a hard time developing healthy trusting

relationships with others. Even now, life for me is not easy. It's only my

belief that I will be able to find peace and happiness in my life that I

haven't committed myself to a mental institution.

>

>

> It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

> who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

> brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

> learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

> verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

> infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

> currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

> month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

> trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

> therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD appears

> to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I now have

> new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty strong

> boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

> struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

> on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

> moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

> towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

> that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

> extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

> accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

> for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

> what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

> completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

> etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

> hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to the

> 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

> frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

> miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

> his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

> kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

> relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

> is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

> damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

> that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

> make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

> and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

> very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My dad has undiagnosed BPD. I'm 29 years old, and just learned about BPD a

couple years ago. I have one younger brother, and a younger sister. I know

my brother has/had emotional problems, (self mutilation), and my sister

suffers from depression and might have been suicidal. While living with my

family, I had rage, delusions, etc... I'm slowly making progress. 18 years

of emotional abuse, punctuated by bouts of physical abuse has left me

emotionally scarred. I have a hard time developing healthy trusting

relationships with others. Even now, life for me is not easy. It's only my

belief that I will be able to find peace and happiness in my life that I

haven't committed myself to a mental institution.

>

>

> It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

> who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

> brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

> learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

> verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

> infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

> currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

> month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

> trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

> therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD appears

> to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I now have

> new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty strong

> boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

> struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

> on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

> moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

> towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

> that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

> extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

> accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

> for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

> what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

> completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

> etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

> hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to the

> 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

> frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

> miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

> his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

> kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

> relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

> is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

> damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

> that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

> make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

> and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

> very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My dad has undiagnosed BPD. I'm 29 years old, and just learned about BPD a

couple years ago. I have one younger brother, and a younger sister. I know

my brother has/had emotional problems, (self mutilation), and my sister

suffers from depression and might have been suicidal. While living with my

family, I had rage, delusions, etc... I'm slowly making progress. 18 years

of emotional abuse, punctuated by bouts of physical abuse has left me

emotionally scarred. I have a hard time developing healthy trusting

relationships with others. Even now, life for me is not easy. It's only my

belief that I will be able to find peace and happiness in my life that I

haven't committed myself to a mental institution.

>

>

> It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

> who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

> brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently

> learned of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

> verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No

> infidelity that I know about, no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are

> currently separated 6 mos. but will likely move back together in another

> month, primarily for financial reasons, but also because he appears to be

> trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been in

> therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after that BPD appears

> to be the demon he has been fighting with all these years. And I now have

> new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some pretty strong

> boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I am

> struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

> on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the

> moment I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works

> towards improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad "

> that he should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain

> extent, and able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

> accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one of the reasons

> for him to seek help). And I am there every day to help my kids understand

> what is going on and how to cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave

> completely (like he did with his first family--physically, emotionally,

> etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I could

> hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will be devastating to the

> 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other possibility (which

> frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make my life

> miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards improving

> his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at the

> kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

> relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA

> is not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do,

> damned if you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship

> that they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to

> make an educated choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated

> and no answer seems to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all

> very brave to be here and sharing your lives.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Growing up with a parent who has BPD can definitely be extremely

damaging. There's a big difference between the situations most

of us grew up in and what you're describing though. Most people

with BPD don't admit that they have a problem and actively

resist treatment and it is common for the other parent to do

little to protect the children from emotional abuse. Since

you're taking steps to protect your children, and your husband

acknowledges that he has a problem and is getting treatment for

it, I think you can at least try getting back together since the

other alternatives are damaging as well. I think you have to be

prepared to accept failure where that's concerned though. A lot

depends on how much his therapy is helping him control his

emotions and whether he continues to work at it or not. People

with BPD are known for pretending to change for just long enough

to get what they want then going back to their old ways. They

also tend to be quite good at fooling therapists who don't know

enough about BPD. If he can't stop the verbal and emotional

abuse, your children are likely to suffer from it, possibly for

their entire lives. Even if he is only abusive to you, watching

their mother deal with abuse of that sort is damaging as well.

Children who grow up in abusive situations too often fail to

learn how to have non-abusive relationships, leading them to

either find abusive mates or be abusive themselves. It is also

worth noting that parents with BPD tend to do better with

younger children than with older children. As children grow up

and develop their own personalities and the ability to make

choices on their own, that tends to lead to clashes and

aggravate the BPD symptoms.

At 03:01 PM 07/26/2010 lucysmom66 wrote:

>It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I

>query you folks who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this

>question from time to time. My brief summary: I am a nonBP

>mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned of BPD 3

>months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

>verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood

>swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about, no drugs or

>alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

>likely move back together in another month, primarily for

>financial reasons, but also because he appears to be trying to

>work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been

>in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after

>that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all

>these years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the

>home--I have laid some pretty strong boundaries, particularly

>as it pertains to our children. What I am struggling with is

>the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8) on

>either staying or going--hence would appreciate your

>insight. At the moment I am resolved that I will stay with him

>if he continually works towards improving his own emotional

>situation. He will never be the " dad " that he should be--he

>can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and

>able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

>accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one

>of the reasons for him to seek help). And I am there every day

>to help my kids understand what is going on and how to

>cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like

>he did with his first family--physically, emotionally, etc.,

>and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I

>could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will

>be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8

>YO. The other possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is

>that he might fight just to make my life miserable, possibly

>using the children, and no longer work towards improving his

>emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked

>at the kids without my being there, very likely having

>unacceptable female relationships that my kids would be exposed

>to. The court system here in CA is not very supportive unless

>there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if you

>don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that

>they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really

>want to make an educated choice, first for my children. This

>is way too complicated and no answer seems to be a good

>one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here

>and sharing your lives.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Growing up with a parent who has BPD can definitely be extremely

damaging. There's a big difference between the situations most

of us grew up in and what you're describing though. Most people

with BPD don't admit that they have a problem and actively

resist treatment and it is common for the other parent to do

little to protect the children from emotional abuse. Since

you're taking steps to protect your children, and your husband

acknowledges that he has a problem and is getting treatment for

it, I think you can at least try getting back together since the

other alternatives are damaging as well. I think you have to be

prepared to accept failure where that's concerned though. A lot

depends on how much his therapy is helping him control his

emotions and whether he continues to work at it or not. People

with BPD are known for pretending to change for just long enough

to get what they want then going back to their old ways. They

also tend to be quite good at fooling therapists who don't know

enough about BPD. If he can't stop the verbal and emotional

abuse, your children are likely to suffer from it, possibly for

their entire lives. Even if he is only abusive to you, watching

their mother deal with abuse of that sort is damaging as well.

Children who grow up in abusive situations too often fail to

learn how to have non-abusive relationships, leading them to

either find abusive mates or be abusive themselves. It is also

worth noting that parents with BPD tend to do better with

younger children than with older children. As children grow up

and develop their own personalities and the ability to make

choices on their own, that tends to lead to clashes and

aggravate the BPD symptoms.

At 03:01 PM 07/26/2010 lucysmom66 wrote:

>It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I

>query you folks who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this

>question from time to time. My brief summary: I am a nonBP

>mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned of BPD 3

>months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

>verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood

>swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about, no drugs or

>alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

>likely move back together in another month, primarily for

>financial reasons, but also because he appears to be trying to

>work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been

>in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after

>that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all

>these years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the

>home--I have laid some pretty strong boundaries, particularly

>as it pertains to our children. What I am struggling with is

>the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8) on

>either staying or going--hence would appreciate your

>insight. At the moment I am resolved that I will stay with him

>if he continually works towards improving his own emotional

>situation. He will never be the " dad " that he should be--he

>can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and

>able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

>accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one

>of the reasons for him to seek help). And I am there every day

>to help my kids understand what is going on and how to

>cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like

>he did with his first family--physically, emotionally, etc.,

>and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I

>could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will

>be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8

>YO. The other possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is

>that he might fight just to make my life miserable, possibly

>using the children, and no longer work towards improving his

>emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked

>at the kids without my being there, very likely having

>unacceptable female relationships that my kids would be exposed

>to. The court system here in CA is not very supportive unless

>there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if you

>don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that

>they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really

>want to make an educated choice, first for my children. This

>is way too complicated and no answer seems to be a good

>one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here

>and sharing your lives.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Growing up with a parent who has BPD can definitely be extremely

damaging. There's a big difference between the situations most

of us grew up in and what you're describing though. Most people

with BPD don't admit that they have a problem and actively

resist treatment and it is common for the other parent to do

little to protect the children from emotional abuse. Since

you're taking steps to protect your children, and your husband

acknowledges that he has a problem and is getting treatment for

it, I think you can at least try getting back together since the

other alternatives are damaging as well. I think you have to be

prepared to accept failure where that's concerned though. A lot

depends on how much his therapy is helping him control his

emotions and whether he continues to work at it or not. People

with BPD are known for pretending to change for just long enough

to get what they want then going back to their old ways. They

also tend to be quite good at fooling therapists who don't know

enough about BPD. If he can't stop the verbal and emotional

abuse, your children are likely to suffer from it, possibly for

their entire lives. Even if he is only abusive to you, watching

their mother deal with abuse of that sort is damaging as well.

Children who grow up in abusive situations too often fail to

learn how to have non-abusive relationships, leading them to

either find abusive mates or be abusive themselves. It is also

worth noting that parents with BPD tend to do better with

younger children than with older children. As children grow up

and develop their own personalities and the ability to make

choices on their own, that tends to lead to clashes and

aggravate the BPD symptoms.

At 03:01 PM 07/26/2010 lucysmom66 wrote:

>It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I

>query you folks who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this

>question from time to time. My brief summary: I am a nonBP

>mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned of BPD 3

>months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely

>verbal/emotional abuse and all the craziness/mood

>swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about, no drugs or

>alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

>likely move back together in another month, primarily for

>financial reasons, but also because he appears to be trying to

>work towards a healthy life--for about 3 months now he has been

>in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges after

>that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all

>these years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the

>home--I have laid some pretty strong boundaries, particularly

>as it pertains to our children. What I am struggling with is

>the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8) on

>either staying or going--hence would appreciate your

>insight. At the moment I am resolved that I will stay with him

>if he continually works towards improving his own emotional

>situation. He will never be the " dad " that he should be--he

>can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and

>able to meet some of their needs, and I am there for

>accountability to him (our family staying intact as being one

>of the reasons for him to seek help). And I am there every day

>to help my kids understand what is going on and how to

>cope. If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like

>he did with his first family--physically, emotionally, etc.,

>and his grown kids are certainly paying for it), and the best I

>could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which will

>be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8

>YO. The other possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is

>that he might fight just to make my life miserable, possibly

>using the children, and no longer work towards improving his

>emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked

>at the kids without my being there, very likely having

>unacceptable female relationships that my kids would be exposed

>to. The court system here in CA is not very supportive unless

>there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if you

>don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that

>they did not choose. What has been your experiences? I really

>want to make an educated choice, first for my children. This

>is way too complicated and no answer seems to be a good

>one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here

>and sharing your lives.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

phine,

that is such a good idea, particularly b/c there are little ones involved.

> >

> > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

phine,

that is such a good idea, particularly b/c there are little ones involved.

> >

> > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lucysmom -

Everybody who's written back has given you good advice already. I would add

only that as the " non-BPD " parent, you are going to have to be a staunch

defender of your children, no matter what you decide. If you leave and he gets

custody or visitation, you have NO control over the time he spends with them.

If you keep him in the home, at least you can monitor his behavior and report to

his therapist - but boy, will you pay the price for that, in stress and

exhaustion. And it probably will get worse as your kids get older - the teen

years seem to be really bad for a lot of us, as we start to separate from our

parents (and the BPD reads that as abandonment).

So I'd suggest that you start now to create " respite " zones for yourself and

your kids. Find some relatives or close friends who live nearby and know what's

going on, so if you need to send the kids over there to spend the night, there

will be an automatic recognition that they just need some time away from Dad,

that there's no need to call 911 or the foster care system, and that this is an

ongoing, long-term project. You may want to get your children involved in

programs that have weekend getaways, or plan special vacations with just you and

the kids, to decompress (if Dad will allow this - remember, being away from him

looks like abandonment). And if your kids reach their teens and things get

really bad, be aware that you might have to let them go live with a relative, or

go to boarding school, for their own good. It won't be about you being a bad

mother, it will be about you letting them live somewhere outside the madness -

being a good mother. There were years when I really wished I could be at

boarding school someplace - and if you did a survey, I bet a LOT of us here

moved out shortly after finishing school, just to get out of the craziness. So

don't plan on making your kids live at home while they go to college - they are

likely to want to get far away as fast as possible. Again, it won't be about

you.

Finally, when the kids are grown, be sure you have a plan in place for yourself.

You might get to the point where you no longer need or want to live with him.

Be sure you keep a job, have savings on your own, etc. Then you can start your

own new life, knowing you " did your duty as you saw it. " Because BPD's also

seem to get worse as they themselves get older. The only thing worse that

living with a middle-aged BPD is living twenty more years with an elderly BPD,

IMO.

> > >

> > > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lucysmom -

Everybody who's written back has given you good advice already. I would add

only that as the " non-BPD " parent, you are going to have to be a staunch

defender of your children, no matter what you decide. If you leave and he gets

custody or visitation, you have NO control over the time he spends with them.

If you keep him in the home, at least you can monitor his behavior and report to

his therapist - but boy, will you pay the price for that, in stress and

exhaustion. And it probably will get worse as your kids get older - the teen

years seem to be really bad for a lot of us, as we start to separate from our

parents (and the BPD reads that as abandonment).

So I'd suggest that you start now to create " respite " zones for yourself and

your kids. Find some relatives or close friends who live nearby and know what's

going on, so if you need to send the kids over there to spend the night, there

will be an automatic recognition that they just need some time away from Dad,

that there's no need to call 911 or the foster care system, and that this is an

ongoing, long-term project. You may want to get your children involved in

programs that have weekend getaways, or plan special vacations with just you and

the kids, to decompress (if Dad will allow this - remember, being away from him

looks like abandonment). And if your kids reach their teens and things get

really bad, be aware that you might have to let them go live with a relative, or

go to boarding school, for their own good. It won't be about you being a bad

mother, it will be about you letting them live somewhere outside the madness -

being a good mother. There were years when I really wished I could be at

boarding school someplace - and if you did a survey, I bet a LOT of us here

moved out shortly after finishing school, just to get out of the craziness. So

don't plan on making your kids live at home while they go to college - they are

likely to want to get far away as fast as possible. Again, it won't be about

you.

Finally, when the kids are grown, be sure you have a plan in place for yourself.

You might get to the point where you no longer need or want to live with him.

Be sure you keep a job, have savings on your own, etc. Then you can start your

own new life, knowing you " did your duty as you saw it. " Because BPD's also

seem to get worse as they themselves get older. The only thing worse that

living with a middle-aged BPD is living twenty more years with an elderly BPD,

IMO.

> > >

> > > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lucysmom -

Everybody who's written back has given you good advice already. I would add

only that as the " non-BPD " parent, you are going to have to be a staunch

defender of your children, no matter what you decide. If you leave and he gets

custody or visitation, you have NO control over the time he spends with them.

If you keep him in the home, at least you can monitor his behavior and report to

his therapist - but boy, will you pay the price for that, in stress and

exhaustion. And it probably will get worse as your kids get older - the teen

years seem to be really bad for a lot of us, as we start to separate from our

parents (and the BPD reads that as abandonment).

So I'd suggest that you start now to create " respite " zones for yourself and

your kids. Find some relatives or close friends who live nearby and know what's

going on, so if you need to send the kids over there to spend the night, there

will be an automatic recognition that they just need some time away from Dad,

that there's no need to call 911 or the foster care system, and that this is an

ongoing, long-term project. You may want to get your children involved in

programs that have weekend getaways, or plan special vacations with just you and

the kids, to decompress (if Dad will allow this - remember, being away from him

looks like abandonment). And if your kids reach their teens and things get

really bad, be aware that you might have to let them go live with a relative, or

go to boarding school, for their own good. It won't be about you being a bad

mother, it will be about you letting them live somewhere outside the madness -

being a good mother. There were years when I really wished I could be at

boarding school someplace - and if you did a survey, I bet a LOT of us here

moved out shortly after finishing school, just to get out of the craziness. So

don't plan on making your kids live at home while they go to college - they are

likely to want to get far away as fast as possible. Again, it won't be about

you.

Finally, when the kids are grown, be sure you have a plan in place for yourself.

You might get to the point where you no longer need or want to live with him.

Be sure you keep a job, have savings on your own, etc. Then you can start your

own new life, knowing you " did your duty as you saw it. " Because BPD's also

seem to get worse as they themselves get older. The only thing worse that

living with a middle-aged BPD is living twenty more years with an elderly BPD,

IMO.

> > >

> > > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. I think it would be very beneficial to you to have your own

therapist/advocate who is familiar with treating personality disorder and how it

can affect the loved ones of those with personality disorder. An objective

observer of the behaviors you're being subjected to would be a good thing.

I'd also suggest that you and your husband agree that a condition for getting

back together is to go into couple's therapy and committing to it for at least a

couple of years.

From my own personal experience of growing up with a bpd/npd mother, I was not

equipped to comprehend or cope with a personality-disordered mother and the

emotional and physical abuse she inflicted did a lot of long-term damage to both

me and my younger Sister. Kids have no defenses against emotional abuse.

In your case, I guess it would depend on how disregulated your husband's

emotions are, now. If he's able to maintain self-control, can avoid acting out

negatively toward you and the children, if he is no longer easily triggered

into anger and abusive language, if he can treat you and the kids with respect,

then, there is hope.

But if he does act out, is overly critical and punitive toward the kids, if he

is openly critical, hostile and disrespectful toward you and the children are

aware of this, then that's not healthy behavior to expose them to.

In my opinion, having no dad is better than having an abusive dad.

-Annie

> >

> > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. I think it would be very beneficial to you to have your own

therapist/advocate who is familiar with treating personality disorder and how it

can affect the loved ones of those with personality disorder. An objective

observer of the behaviors you're being subjected to would be a good thing.

I'd also suggest that you and your husband agree that a condition for getting

back together is to go into couple's therapy and committing to it for at least a

couple of years.

From my own personal experience of growing up with a bpd/npd mother, I was not

equipped to comprehend or cope with a personality-disordered mother and the

emotional and physical abuse she inflicted did a lot of long-term damage to both

me and my younger Sister. Kids have no defenses against emotional abuse.

In your case, I guess it would depend on how disregulated your husband's

emotions are, now. If he's able to maintain self-control, can avoid acting out

negatively toward you and the children, if he is no longer easily triggered

into anger and abusive language, if he can treat you and the kids with respect,

then, there is hope.

But if he does act out, is overly critical and punitive toward the kids, if he

is openly critical, hostile and disrespectful toward you and the children are

aware of this, then that's not healthy behavior to expose them to.

In my opinion, having no dad is better than having an abusive dad.

-Annie

> >

> > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. I think it would be very beneficial to you to have your own

therapist/advocate who is familiar with treating personality disorder and how it

can affect the loved ones of those with personality disorder. An objective

observer of the behaviors you're being subjected to would be a good thing.

I'd also suggest that you and your husband agree that a condition for getting

back together is to go into couple's therapy and committing to it for at least a

couple of years.

From my own personal experience of growing up with a bpd/npd mother, I was not

equipped to comprehend or cope with a personality-disordered mother and the

emotional and physical abuse she inflicted did a lot of long-term damage to both

me and my younger Sister. Kids have no defenses against emotional abuse.

In your case, I guess it would depend on how disregulated your husband's

emotions are, now. If he's able to maintain self-control, can avoid acting out

negatively toward you and the children, if he is no longer easily triggered

into anger and abusive language, if he can treat you and the kids with respect,

then, there is hope.

But if he does act out, is overly critical and punitive toward the kids, if he

is openly critical, hostile and disrespectful toward you and the children are

aware of this, then that's not healthy behavior to expose them to.

In my opinion, having no dad is better than having an abusive dad.

-Annie

> >

> > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I really appreciate everyone's insight, and am saving all of your responses for

my own future reference. This is a total moral dilemna for me as both a mom and

a person who sees the need to take care of herself too. I am seeing a therapist

individually, and I like the idea of tracking his behaviors, particularly so

that I can be accountable to someone too. In the years of our marriage, couples

therapy never worked--he has always lied, doesn't face the real problems, or

just plain walked out, so I find it much more beneficial at this point to be in

separate therapy until I see behaviors start to change for both of us (now that

I know that it is BPD that is the demon here). While being separated he has

been able to maintain control, but I am really concerned if he can keep it up.

I did discuss with him doing something like " parent coaching " --I guess family

therapy--focusing specifically on getting on the same page with how we are going

to raise our children, rather than focusing on our marriage (not sure how the

two won't interlink at some point). He was agreeable to that. My motivation

also being that if we were married or divorced, there might be some skills that

would stick and that he would see value to. Plus I really want to take

advantage of the fact, while it lasts, that he is trying to " improve " things in

our home. My heart goes out to all of you and the pain you are recovering from.

It's not fair.

> > >

> > > It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks

who had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My

brief summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned

of BPD 3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional

abuse and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about,

no drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will

likely move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but

also because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

> > >

> >

>