Cutting Back (tee hee)

[Guest guest]

Lately, I’ve been getting the feeling that we’re going to have to cut back. Little things like the delivery charge being more than the cost of the pizza, grapes being sold on an individual basis and the new season of “Survivor” being filmed in New Orleans. You know what I mean. Doesn’t take a genius to realize that soon the television show, “The View” will be reduced to “The Peek,” 7/11 will be rolled back to 6/10 and Jack will soon have to sublet his Box. The grocery store is a good indicator of things to come. The Ho-Hos are down to one Ho, Ding Dongs only ding and there’s just one scoop of raisins in the Raisin Bran. The Soup is only “mm good” instead of “mm, mm good” and the rice has no roni. I hate rice without roni. I broke the news to the kids that we could only afford Average Ramen now instead of Top. The hamburger will not be helped and we’ll have to content ourselves with B-2 sauce instead of A-1. Harley-son motorcycles are a very important where I live in Central Oregon. Unfortunately, the Thunder Run that was scheduled has been restructured as a Vespa Jog. It’s just not the same. My dogs can’t hang their heads out the windows of my bicycle and I have to roll back and forth several times on the drive-thru with my bike to trigger the signal. And I can’t even tell you how hard it is to balance a drink holder on a bicycle. Almost as bad as the ice cream man on a scooter. I tried the solar-powered popcorn but the bag is still out there on the sidewalk. I’m not sure it will ever finish. Music has been affected, too. They’re down to one Duran and Z-Top has tried to tour but it didn’t work out. The Rolling Stones can only roll if they start on a slope as even Mick Jagger can’t afford the gas, gas, gas. I even heard the price of coffee will be going up soon. Mornings are bad enough with my Rice Krispies only snapping and crackling. Popping cost extra. I tried to switch to eggs but was handed a live chicken and told to “be patient.” It’s really bad timing with the price of gas going up right now. I don’t know about where you live, but here in Bend, Oregon, the summer season is the prime time for road work. When the snow flies, everyone kind of hunkers down so when it warms up, the folks around here know it’s time to be late. I think some of those traffic directors get a little power crazy and stop cars for no reason whatsoever. I think they all have bets running as to how long the lines can get and just when the drivers will start turning around. Why else are they always talking into those walkie-talkies? I’ll bet if you had to wear a tacky orange vest in public, you’d get a little cranky, too, so I guess I shouldn’t be so judgmental. But now we have all these roads repaired and repaved and potholes filled in and the only people who are using the roads are driving those seriously hideous hybrid cars. I don’t know where it’s written that in order to be fuel efficient, the car must be ugly but it must be some kind of law by the looks of things. So I’ll console myself with my Pvt. Crunch, 6-Up, Chip Ahoy and Singlemint gum. I just hope things are back to normal by the holidays so we don’t have to cut back Hanukkah to seven days and Santa Claus to two “Ho’s.” Putting gifts under the Christmas Shrubbery just wouldn’t be festive.

Melody Moris, Fish Killer

TOPS #TX 1454, Pleasanton

email: mmoris@...