ALMA'S UPDATE

[Guest guest]

Dear Co-hearts, here is an update from me. Note that I have sent

this email to other friends so some of it may be in very lay terms or

may not apply. I thank each of you for your support. Here it is:

I have not phoned such news as it has been very painful for me. I

had another stupid miscarriage over the weekend. I am physically

fine so do not worry. I did not need medical intervention nor was it

physically painful. This early miscarriage was like a late period.

We lost this one early at 3-4 weeks old. This was our third try with

an ovulation drug. The doctors say that it looks like with this

pregnancy it was genetics versus a hormonal problem. The first one

is unknown (around 8-11 weeks). What kills my heart are the

implications of a second miscarriage. For example, my likelihood of

having another one is greater, and the success of a healthy pregnancy

on our own or with drugs is diminishing. I really thought this one

was going to make it. Of course, I still had a little fear of losing

it hidden in my head, which is normal.

My gyn surgeon in CA (Dr. March) told me to look as this as a fluke

and that there is still some hope. Further, that I was able to get

pregnant. My local gyn doctor here told me that it is bad news and

some good news. Bad news of the implications and limitations they

have at their clinic. Good news that I at least got pregnant with

Clomid medication. Yet the implications remain as they have both

shared the facts with me in previous appointments. Moreover, the

local doctor told me to go ahead and consider going to a fertility

clinic in San because of the limitations his office has and

that my case may be more advanced. See, only the big cities like LA

in CA or San , Dallas, Houston, would have centers/clinics

that would have very high technology. Not even Honolulu would have

it.

Another thing that bothers my mind. Yes, I will make sacrifices to

have children. How many more losses do I have to go through? How

many more disappointing news about my female health do I have to

endure? How much more are we going to suffer as a couple wanting

children?

San is about 3 hours away via driving. One of my next

options is in-vitro fertilization, which is a surer way to get a

healthy pregnancy. However, the success ratio each time is at 20%,

with a price tag of $10K. Insurance will not cover it. I cannot

believe that my local doctor is already telling me to consider this.

Two losses, lots of grief and sacrifices, and a growing price tag? I

am really frustrated.

I do not understand. Our families seem like there were no problems

in conceiving. We generally are in good health. We are good

people. We have made sacrifices to be where we are and to keep

family values. I have read and heard that in times of losses, one

should not ask why because it can make one crazy. I feel definitely

affected mentally. My self-esteem is down. I have been depressed

since 2001. How much more do I have to endure? I feel capable of

having a nervous breakdown. I am trying to remain strong.

Friends tell me that this will make me a stronger person. Sure, be a

stronger person for what? With empty arms? Some friends also tell

me that God has a plan for me. If the plan does not include children

of our own, I refuse to accept that. I believe that God grants our

prayers and is not deceitful.

Some people think I have a lot of time. Scientific facts state that

I have only a few years left. Moreso, we have cervical cancer in our

family. So, I have a 50% chance of getting that after age 35 or so.

What barriers to overcome.

Other than that, Al and I are doing our best to keep our spirits up

this holiday season. It is especially hard for me when there are

pregnant women or new babies in our family circle. What makes me

boil inside are people's insensitive annoying questions about us

having children and why we are waiting so long. Like it is so easy.

So, please help prevent these questions from people who visit or

gather with us. Otherwise, I may chew their head off (I cannot

guarantee that I will be my tactful self as my Scorpio side is out as

a coping mechanism)! Al has been very supportive to me and is trying

to keep me sane.

Next steps? Genetic testing or chromosomal analysis via blood work

to see if we have defective genes or something. I need to check if

insurance would cover this. I already have done the toxoplasmosis and

antibodies blood work. The toxo one came back negative.

Toxoplasmosis is a parasite that can live in your body and is

normally found in mishandling red meats or having contact with cat

feces. The antiphosphilipid antibodies is when your immune system

attacks foreign material like colds or cancer. Sometimes a woman's

immune system think that a pregnancy is foreign, then attacks it

cutting off oxygen and vital nutrients. I did not get this test

result back yet. If all tests come back negative, we will take a

break for a month or two, then get back on Clomid (if I still do not

ovulate regularly).

Again, please do not worry. All I ask is that please do not expect

me to be a happy-go-lucky person all the time. Be patient with my

demeanor. You do not need to call me. Just continue to pray for

me.

We will be arriving in Honolulu to visit my family, on December the

30th in the evening and will depart on January 8th early in the

morning. Please forgive me if I do not contact you that often or at

since 2001 including the present, as I am trying to overcome this and

re-strategize.

Thanks for listening and your support.

Alma