Re: Friends and other strangers

[Guest guest]

.....[irene writes]....

> I don't think that it would be work. In a friendship it takes two

to make it

> a relationship of friendliness. Let your friends know about how FMS

often

> does not allow you to do as you wanted to. I never say " I promise "

to anyone

> anymore except my granddaughters. My friends know that I will do

what I can

> and if I can't well there will be another time.

Exactly! The friends I have do understand me which is why, I suppose,

they are my friends. I don't have to caretake them. Most of the

people I know are loner-types and are quite content with the amount of

contact we have, don't get offended if I disappear for a week or two.

They also know I don't like obligations or commitments and are okay

with that. Just because we don't schedule ourselves doesn't mean the

friendship isn't rich and satisfying.

There are some really awesome people on this planet! I can remember

back to when I honestly believed that if I couldn't live up to

everyone else's expectations, then I simply wasn't good enough to be a

friend or have a friend. We're all raised that way, to believe that

friendship implies obligation, etc. To me, friendship just means that

you get to be whoever you are and I get to be whoever I am... and that

we like whatever that whoever is. I don't have family. We are

estranged so my friends ARE my family and I do truly love them. I

love them as they are, flaws and all, and they have no obligation to

me except to be themselves fully. I accept and celebrate them for

that.

> know what to say so often they will gradually change the friendship.

Because

> they do not know what to say to someone ill and not available at

times, they

> often drop away.

That really is sad. I've never given up on a friendship because the

person gets sick but I'm also really clear about what I can offer and

what I can't. I ask the same of my friends.

> I, too, have asked friends what has happened to our friendship and a

lot of

> times I find out that it is all in my head. Because I am ill, I see

slights

> that are not there.

BINGO! I do think that's a large part of it. It's amazing how icky I

feel about everything when I'm not feeling well. I usually think the

whole world is out to get me. If I go to the store and it's crowded,

I figure the manager MUST have called everyone or sent out some sort

of message for everyone to come there, just so that it will

inconvenience ME! And!... if there's too much traffic around, I

figure all those people are driving around, just to annoy ME!

And so it goes

--dc

> See if this could possibly be happening to you.

>

> Take care of yourself,

> Irene co-moderator

>

> >

> >

> > Or maybe at least that there's some sort of closure? Sometimes

it's

> > the wondering that is the hardest part. In cases like that, I've

been

> > known to ask directly.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Someone sent this to me a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the

most difficult and important lessons that I've ever learned. One addendum

that I've learned - you're a VERY lucky person if you have even one or two

" lifetime " friends. -

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you

figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a

need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a

difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you

physically, emotionally, spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and

they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,

their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.

And now it is time to move on.

People come into your life for a SEASON.

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an

experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you

have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real!

But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build

upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have

learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is

said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

[Guest guest]

Someone sent this to me a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the

most difficult and important lessons that I've ever learned. One addendum

that I've learned - you're a VERY lucky person if you have even one or two

" lifetime " friends. -

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you

figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a

need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a

difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you

physically, emotionally, spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and

they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,

their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.

And now it is time to move on.

People come into your life for a SEASON.

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an

experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you

have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real!

But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build

upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have

learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is

said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

[Guest guest]

Someone sent this to me a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the

most difficult and important lessons that I've ever learned. One addendum

that I've learned - you're a VERY lucky person if you have even one or two

" lifetime " friends. -

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you

figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a

need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a

difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you

physically, emotionally, spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and

they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,

their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered.

And now it is time to move on.

People come into your life for a SEASON.

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an

experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you

have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real!

But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build

upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have

learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is

said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

[Guest guest]

I can give you a very personal experience about losing a friend. I had a

friend that I met online probably about seven or eight years ago. We

" clicked " right away, had lots of things in common, talked on the phone

alot, e-mailed back and forth, and finally became " real-life " friends. We

spent weekends at each others' homes even though we lived several hundred

miles apart, took vacations together, our families were friends. A couple

of years ago, she moved across the country, so we kept in touch by e-mail

and telephone (airplane isn't a word that I'm comfortable having in my

vocabulary<g>). The longer she lived away, the more emotionally dependent

she became on me. She started trying to find out which e-mail groups I

belonged to so that she could join each of them. She would call me 5 or 6

times a day, and if I wasn't available to take her call, she would leave

" poor poor me you don't care about me anymore " messages on the answering

machine. Every time that I would post to an e-mail list that we were both

on, she would call, because she knew that I was home. Now - I'm one of

those people who loves my friends, but I don't want to be involved that

closely with anyone. I sometimes go for weeks without talking to my own

son or mother - just because I need time and space to myself. I've ALWAYS

made that clear to all of my friends - don't panic of you don't hear from

me for several days or weeks - I'm just taking some " time off " . I think

particularly with the disease that all of us on this list live with on a

daily basis, it may be even more important for us to have the space to

ourselves to learn to deal with our lives the way that they are now (I know

this is true in my case anyway). After she became so persistent and needy

that I found myself at the point that I was avoiding posting on lists and

going into chat rooms because I was afraid that she would be there and want

to talk for 4 or 5 hours, I realized that it was time to take steps and set

some personal bounderies. I wrote her a letter out of love and friendship,

explaining that I was feeling stifled and asking her to back off just a bit

and allow me to get in touch with her when " I " was feeling ready to talk

for awhile. I sent that letter almost a year ago, and I haven't heard from

her since. I still miss her - the loss of her friendship was painful to

me. But I realized that our original reason for being friends, to share

each others' lives and chat about our common interests, wasn't the reason

that she wanted to be friends anymore. She wanted someone to ALWAYS be

there for her, on her terms, and that my feelings about the whole thing

didn't really matter. Rather than trying to compromise and work out

something that worked for both of us, she chose to walk away. I've had to

learn to look at that as her loss and not feel guilty. I didn't cause her

to move someplace where she didn't know anyone, away from her family and

friends. I wasn't the reason that she was lonely - it was because she

chose not to make new friends in her new home. I had to do what I needed

to do for myself, and if she wasn't willing to respect that, then was she

really that much of a friend to begin with?

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