Problems with work

[Guest guest]

I've had another bad week at work. If I weren't so exhausted and in so much

pain, I'd be really angry!

First, I want to make it clear that I love my job and my boss. I wouldn't

put up with the pain and exhaustion if I didn't. I waited several years to

get this particular job, and when I'm not too brain-fogged or in too much

pain, I do a really good job. I work 34 hours a week, in 4 days, but two of

the days are 11 hours long (including an hour lunch break when I dash home

to take care of my dogs).

The past few weeks have been extremely rough. As many of you do, I have

severe flare-ups in the summer, but I've been in severe flare-up since the

middle of April, getting progressively worse.

The brain fogs are bad, but I am working hard at overcoming them, and I

think I am succeeding to some extent. The biggest problem is that I cannot

get to work on time to save my life! I'm usually less than 5 minutes late,

but this morning it was 8 minutes, and I know my boss was furious. And I

was too embarrassed to tell him that I had an episode of IBD, on top of

tremendous pain.

I've recently been trying to learn to stop the self-blame. I don't have IBD

because of what I eat (usually an OK diet, but a bit high on the fat end).

I'm not tired in the morning because I stay up late. I'm not late for work

because I get up too late (usually). My panic attacks are not caused by my

not relaxing properly.

Most mornings, I'm just exhausted. If I am not very organized in the

morning and have to go up and down stairs several times, I have to stop and

rest periodically. Some mornings that is topped off with asthma attacks and

nausea. Other mornings I have IBD symptoms. And many mornings I have such

severe panic I have to force myself out the door.

I know that, to someone who doesn't really understand FMS, I must seem like

a malingerer--different " excuses " on different days, but always the same

result. And it doesn't help that one of my coworkers told my boss that I

usually am up until at least 2 am on the Internet, which is a total

fabrication (I forgot to log off one night and SHE was up at 2 am and saw

me " on line. " ) and he chose to believe her--it certainly would make sense,

given my problem with tardiness and fatigue. It's true that I have

insomnia, and have had times when I couldn't go to sleep before 12:30 or

even 1 am, but these days I barely stay awake until 11:00 and I'm wide awake

by 5:30 am.

I showed my boss the article that suggested on Monday, but I don't

think it really made a difference. It's not that my boss doesn't care about

my health--he cares very much. But the bottom line for him is that he is

paying my salary and deserves good job performance from me in return. He's

not paying me to sit at my desk and stare into space!

I'm still looking for a doctor who can work with me, even if I can't take

conventional medications. I'm hoping to be able to get a handicapped

license plate, for the many days when I can't walk all the way across the

parking lot to the grocery store. I'm also hoping that I might get a letter

from the doctor explaining that my tardiness is the result of my illness,

and requesting a reasonable accommodation for that. I'll be seeing a new

acupuncturist next week, but I doubt that she has the authority to establish

that I have a physical disability.

I am struggling to keep my job because it is important to me. I have given

up a lot of other things to hold on to this job--most of the time that I'm

not at work I am not doing much else because of the exhaustion. I've given

up most of the activities I used to enjoy because of this illness. My

quality of life is really bad right now, but I think it would be much worse

in a lot of ways if I couldn't work. I wish there were a way for me to work

part-time, but my boss needs someone full-time and cannot afford to have two

employees.

I'm sorry for this venting. My husband is still out of town, and won't be

back until next Wednesday. He's somewhere in the Andes, so I can't even

talk to him on the phone! I'm beyond tired, I'm lonely, and overwhelmed by

all that I have to do this weekend.

I'm going to make myself a nice dinner and try to relax and snuggle with my

dogs tonight. Thanks for listening, and any suggestions will be gratefully

considered.

ee