RE: New to the group (long and responding to Darcy)

May 22, 2001

Hello to the group,

My name is . I am a 44-year-old mother of two. My 14-year-old son Sam

is home-schooled and my 19-year-old daughter is married with two children.

My grandbaby boy, Tyler is 18 months old and my grandbaby girl, is

six weeks old. I married my high school sweetheart () in 1976 after

a three-year courtship. We are best friends, celebrating our 25th

anniversary this year. I grew up at South Lake Tahoe, California, moving to

San , Texas where I met my husband in 1973. We moved to Reno, Nevada

in 1976 where we married and have remained in this area every since. There

have been high and low points in our marriage but we persevered through the

difficult times and are pleased we did. I also have the privilege of being

partnered with Abbey, my 10-month-old golden retriever, service dog in

training (SDIT). Abbey came to me at a time when I was feeling particularly

isolated and needed help carrying personal items. She is my constant

companion, goes absolutely everywhere with me, carries my personal items,

braces for me when I need help getting up, gets people-help when I need it,

and retrieves items for me. Abbey is very young and in training so she is

always learning new ways to help me.

I began having symptoms of fibromyalgia in 1988. I thought it was the flu

that never quite went away and suspected arthritis too. I was diagnosed

with TMJ and mitral valve prolapse prior to my FMS diagnosis in 1995. I

have not had a pain-free day since December, 1993 when I began having

symptoms of chronic myofascial pain (MPS) that resulted in a greater level

of fatigue and pain that is greater that the sum of the two problems.

Additionally, I have most of the symptoms of CFIDS but have not sought

diagnosis for that since my treatment regimen is adequate for MPS, FMS and

CFIDS. There have been periods of pain and depression that were difficult

to work through where the result of feeling soul-tired has led to suicidal

ideation. I have never dwelt on what amount of pain may come but have had

experience of unrelenting pain that I has at times, transformed death into a

gift of due rest. I have experienced one two-year partial remission when

the MPS was in check and where my symptoms were tolerable with

antidepressant medication and Advil alone. During this partial remission

(1996-1998), I attended college full-time and was also able to hold a

full-time job doing medical and psychiatric transcription at a pre-trial

maximum security psychiatric facility. I enjoyed that work very much as it

was interesting and exciting, and I remain friends with some of the staff

still today.

I am currently seeing a general practitioner that uses both traditional

allopathic and alternative therapies. My regular medications are Effexor

150 mg., Soma 350 mg., Ultram 400 mg. in divided doses, oxycodone for

breakthrough pain, and Relafen 1500 mg. I also take the following

supplements regularly: Malic Relief Formula (contains malic acid 825 mg.,

calcium, magnesium, manganese, chromium, DL-Phenylalanine and other stuff);

Pycnogenol (200 mg. divided dose), and glucosamine (1500 mg. and chondroitin

(1200 mg) sulfates. We are currently considering adding Neurontin to my

medication regimen and I am considering trigger-point injections (aprox. 3

to 5 treatments) in an attempt to control the MPS spasms and referred pain

they cause.

I see a physical therapist who is helping me to recoup some of my physical

well-being lost to imbalance in my life. I spent far too much of my

available energy on school and work, leaving little time or energy for my

physical wellness and family. I see a chiropractor for adjustment as

necessary. For pain management, I use a Theracane to apply pressure

and massage active trigger points (from the MPS not 'tender' points from

FMS), a home-cervical traction unit, a hand-held massager, Epsom salt soaks,

home-neuromuscular electrical stimulation (Russian unit), and sleep on a 3 "

medium foam pad with three pillows.

I have had struggles with the work thing also and am still attempting to

adjust. Like most of us with fibro, we are real go-getters and it can be

difficult to make an adjustment to life with chronic pain. Though I was

diagnosed in 1995 and suffering since 1988, this last year has been my most

difficult. I am a very 'positive' person with a thirst for knowledge and

the will to create. Because I was unable to successfully continue in my old

line of work, in 1995 at the age of 37, I went back to school. However, in

August 1999, I began a flare that won't quit. In my positive way, I have

added supplements, changed and added antidepressants and pain relievers, am

in physical therapy, and am seeing a social worker to help me with new

adjustments. I have been off work/school since March 5 and am in the

process of filing for Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) as I now

qualify for benefits. Though I am only two semesters away from my 3rd

college degree, I do not plan to return to school. Rather, I will finish

through our university's correspondence courses. At this time, I have no

thoughts of going back to work though this may change as my condition

inevitably will change (better or worse).

Because I believed that I could do 'anything' if I just had the right

attitude, used the right language, and thought positively, I was really

struggling with the idea that I was not breaking this flare. I felt guilty

also, as if this flare was all my fault, caused by improper self-talk and

such. However, I am beginning to see that believing that I really had that

much control over my body was the problem. There are too many factors, too

many exposures, that are not within my control. I am not living in a glass

bubble and no amount of positive thinking will keep me free of dis-ease that

is the result of environment. I did not contract FMS because of my thinking

and as we are not yet aware of the cause, I sure could not have avoided it.

Rather, I believe my task (lesson) at hand is to accept what is happening to

me, do everything within my power to mitigate the adverse physical symptoms

of this disabling disorder, and let go of those things that are beyond my

control. I have really confused being positive with maintaining control.

For me right now, being positive means allowing myself to adjust my life to

fit my abilities and accepting that reduction in activity as a blessing. My

doctor instructed me in how to meditate on FMS as a gift, to count those

blessings, and transform these 'limitations' into the gifts that they really

are. For instance, I could think things like: 'I can't keep a full-time

schedule at school.'; 'I am loosing my life.; 'I must be making myself sick

with irrational thinking.'. However, I now choose to frame this newest

'limitation' as " How fortunate I am that I have slowed down enough to enjoy

this glorious moment in time. " And now, I am thankful for this gift of time

that the pain of FMS has given me. I am now allowing myself to access the

medical care available to me, the medications available to me, and most

importantly, am taking the time to manage my symptoms. I do admit I feel

truly indulged but as more time passes in self-indulgence, I become

healthier, stronger, and more available to my family.

Of course, many of my plans have changed. It is difficult to let go of

nurturing ideas that no longer fit me. However, I will never be the

Hambrick that I once was. There is no going back. Letting go is a daily

process for me that never ceases but it is only through letting go, that I

free myself from being stuck between hope and fear, between health and loss,

between cure and pain. My new affirmation is:

" I am perfect this very moment and I accept with gratitude, the

gift of this moment making my plans based on what is best for me right now. "

Kindest regards,

Hambrick

sunbrick@...

http://www.scs.unr.edu/~shambric/

my website that is a work-in-progress

-----Original Message-----

From: Stockstill, Darcy

I just didn't want anyone else who had put forth their best effort to

feel like it was " all their fault " for not being positive enough. I

didn't realize all of this until after your reply and thinking some. And

yes, I'm in tears right now over everything, I know it's not good for me,

I need to stop, but

I also need a chance to grieve over a loss of what I thought I had.

Darcy

May 22, 2001