Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Darla, I don't have any advice, but understand your situation. I went to live w/ my sister(who is 10 yrs older) at age 14 because of my mother. If you need someone to talk to, feel welcome to email me privately if you wish. Jana RNY 04/02/02 EDD 04/04/03 Isaiah Riley Pre-op wt 258 Current wt 155 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Darla, I don't have any advice, but understand your situation. I went to live w/ my sister(who is 10 yrs older) at age 14 because of my mother. If you need someone to talk to, feel welcome to email me privately if you wish. Jana RNY 04/02/02 EDD 04/04/03 Isaiah Riley Pre-op wt 258 Current wt 155 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Darla, I don't have any advice, but understand your situation. I went to live w/ my sister(who is 10 yrs older) at age 14 because of my mother. If you need someone to talk to, feel welcome to email me privately if you wish. Jana RNY 04/02/02 EDD 04/04/03 Isaiah Riley Pre-op wt 258 Current wt 155 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hmm. Sounds like this woman burned her " mom " card a long time ago. It's certainly courteous of you to share an evening with her, but her expectations and feelings about the situation do not obligate you in any way. You can't control how she " feels " and whether she has suddenly decided she wants to be part of your life in any way, superficially or not. You *can* control whether you react to her. How would you treat any acquaintance of yours who suddenly decided to butt in on your life because you were pregnant? I mean, you can be civil, but you don't just automatically give them free reign, right? And you don't feel guilty just because they might have their feelings hurt when you keep your distance. Same with your bio-mom. She may or may not have expectations or hopes... that's irrelevant and doesn't require any action on your part. You don't owe her anything except the common courtesy you'd show anyone. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound mean or rude, and I would never recommend someone be nasty to someone else. It just helps sometimes to view a situation from outside. All that being said, I'm very sorry that your mom hasn't been a supportive, loving mom for you. I'll bet you're already preparing yourself not to repeat history with your own wee baby. : ) Hang in there, and don't feel bad about venting here. This is deeply relevant to our group. Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hmm. Sounds like this woman burned her " mom " card a long time ago. It's certainly courteous of you to share an evening with her, but her expectations and feelings about the situation do not obligate you in any way. You can't control how she " feels " and whether she has suddenly decided she wants to be part of your life in any way, superficially or not. You *can* control whether you react to her. How would you treat any acquaintance of yours who suddenly decided to butt in on your life because you were pregnant? I mean, you can be civil, but you don't just automatically give them free reign, right? And you don't feel guilty just because they might have their feelings hurt when you keep your distance. Same with your bio-mom. She may or may not have expectations or hopes... that's irrelevant and doesn't require any action on your part. You don't owe her anything except the common courtesy you'd show anyone. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound mean or rude, and I would never recommend someone be nasty to someone else. It just helps sometimes to view a situation from outside. All that being said, I'm very sorry that your mom hasn't been a supportive, loving mom for you. I'll bet you're already preparing yourself not to repeat history with your own wee baby. : ) Hang in there, and don't feel bad about venting here. This is deeply relevant to our group. Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hmm. Sounds like this woman burned her " mom " card a long time ago. It's certainly courteous of you to share an evening with her, but her expectations and feelings about the situation do not obligate you in any way. You can't control how she " feels " and whether she has suddenly decided she wants to be part of your life in any way, superficially or not. You *can* control whether you react to her. How would you treat any acquaintance of yours who suddenly decided to butt in on your life because you were pregnant? I mean, you can be civil, but you don't just automatically give them free reign, right? And you don't feel guilty just because they might have their feelings hurt when you keep your distance. Same with your bio-mom. She may or may not have expectations or hopes... that's irrelevant and doesn't require any action on your part. You don't owe her anything except the common courtesy you'd show anyone. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound mean or rude, and I would never recommend someone be nasty to someone else. It just helps sometimes to view a situation from outside. All that being said, I'm very sorry that your mom hasn't been a supportive, loving mom for you. I'll bet you're already preparing yourself not to repeat history with your own wee baby. : ) Hang in there, and don't feel bad about venting here. This is deeply relevant to our group. Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 Hi Darla, I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I have been off for many, many years. How did your dinner go?????? Here is just one example of just why we are on the offs: We planned our vacation this past summer to visit her (why, I will never know). I think I wanted my daughter to get to know her grandmother better, and they have a relationship (again, why I will never know). I was sick all week thinking about spending a whole week with her (thank God for my darling husband-the buffer between us LOL). When we got there, my 5yo tells her we are expecting a baby. My mom just turns, looks at me and says how many are you having... Talk about being stunned.... Her comment comes from the fact that we had talked about having to start fertility drugs- but ended up getting pregnant on our own. She never bothered to ask me any questions about being pregnant, when I was due, how I was feeling, etc.... What a wonderful mom huh??!! I also come to find out later, that she told my daughter, that babies were not welcomed into her house. So I guess we will not be returning to her house, for anymore visits, and she will never have a relationship with this child. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant, and she hasn't even bothered to call me, email me, or ask me anything about being pregnant. Just needed to vent... thanks for listening... in PA open rny 4/01 -125lbs scheduled c section 3/7/03 w/ baby girl #2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 Hi Darla, I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I have been off for many, many years. How did your dinner go?????? Here is just one example of just why we are on the offs: We planned our vacation this past summer to visit her (why, I will never know). I think I wanted my daughter to get to know her grandmother better, and they have a relationship (again, why I will never know). I was sick all week thinking about spending a whole week with her (thank God for my darling husband-the buffer between us LOL). When we got there, my 5yo tells her we are expecting a baby. My mom just turns, looks at me and says how many are you having... Talk about being stunned.... Her comment comes from the fact that we had talked about having to start fertility drugs- but ended up getting pregnant on our own. She never bothered to ask me any questions about being pregnant, when I was due, how I was feeling, etc.... What a wonderful mom huh??!! I also come to find out later, that she told my daughter, that babies were not welcomed into her house. So I guess we will not be returning to her house, for anymore visits, and she will never have a relationship with this child. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant, and she hasn't even bothered to call me, email me, or ask me anything about being pregnant. Just needed to vent... thanks for listening... in PA open rny 4/01 -125lbs scheduled c section 3/7/03 w/ baby girl #2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 Hi Darla, I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I have been off for many, many years. How did your dinner go?????? Here is just one example of just why we are on the offs: We planned our vacation this past summer to visit her (why, I will never know). I think I wanted my daughter to get to know her grandmother better, and they have a relationship (again, why I will never know). I was sick all week thinking about spending a whole week with her (thank God for my darling husband-the buffer between us LOL). When we got there, my 5yo tells her we are expecting a baby. My mom just turns, looks at me and says how many are you having... Talk about being stunned.... Her comment comes from the fact that we had talked about having to start fertility drugs- but ended up getting pregnant on our own. She never bothered to ask me any questions about being pregnant, when I was due, how I was feeling, etc.... What a wonderful mom huh??!! I also come to find out later, that she told my daughter, that babies were not welcomed into her house. So I guess we will not be returning to her house, for anymore visits, and she will never have a relationship with this child. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant, and she hasn't even bothered to call me, email me, or ask me anything about being pregnant. Just needed to vent... thanks for listening... in PA open rny 4/01 -125lbs scheduled c section 3/7/03 w/ baby girl #2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Thanks so much for the support! Your words echo my feelings quite well, but it's sometimes difficult for me to express. It's hard to explain how you can not want to let your mom back into your life and yet not be actively angry at her for anything. BTW, though the evening had its awkward moments, I just used it as an opportunity to get news of my sister and her family, who live there with my mom. I din't tell her about my pregnancy, and overall everything was okay. In some ways I think it was a surprise for me to find out she doesn't hold much power over me anymore. (Plus, she seemed old and pitiable. That doesn't hurt. ; ) --Darla > Hmm. Sounds like this woman burned her " mom " card a long time ago. It's > certainly courteous of you to share an evening with her, but her > expectations and feelings about the situation do not obligate you in any > way. You can't control how she " feels " and whether she has suddenly decided > she wants to be part of your life in any way, superficially or not. You > *can* control whether you react to her. > > How would you treat any acquaintance of yours who suddenly decided to butt > in on your life because you were pregnant? I mean, you can be civil, but you > don't just automatically give them free reign, right? And you don't feel > guilty just because they might have their feelings hurt when you keep your > distance. > > Same with your bio-mom. She may or may not have expectations or hopes... > that's irrelevant and doesn't require any action on your part. You don't owe > her anything except the common courtesy you'd show anyone. Does this make > sense? I don't want to sound mean or rude, and I would never recommend > someone be nasty to someone else. It just helps sometimes to view a > situation from outside. > > All that being said, I'm very sorry that your mom hasn't been a supportive, > loving mom for you. I'll bet you're already preparing yourself not to repeat > history with your own wee baby. : ) Hang in there, and don't feel bad about > venting here. This is deeply relevant to our group. > > Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Hey, venting is venting. All welcome here! --Darla > Hi Darla, > > I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I have been off > for many, many years. > > How did your dinner go?????? > > Here is just one example of just why we are on the offs: > > We planned our vacation this past summer to visit her (why, I will > never know). I think I wanted my daughter to get to know her > grandmother better, and they have a relationship (again, why I will > never know). I was sick all week thinking about spending a whole > week with her (thank God for my darling husband-the buffer between us > LOL). When we got there, my 5yo tells her we are expecting a baby. > My mom just turns, looks at me and says how many are you having... > Talk about being stunned.... Her comment comes from the fact that we > had talked about having to start fertility drugs- but ended up > getting pregnant on our own. She never bothered to ask me any > questions about being pregnant, when I was due, how I was feeling, > etc.... What a wonderful mom huh??!! I also come to find out later, > that she told my daughter, that babies were not welcomed into her > house. So I guess we will not be returning to her house, for anymore > visits, and she will never have a relationship with this child. > I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant, and she hasn't even bothered to call > me, email me, or ask me anything about being pregnant. > > Just needed to vent... thanks for listening... > > in PA > open rny 4/01 -125lbs > scheduled c section 3/7/03 w/ baby girl #2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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