A coping technique called Medium Chill

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

Stargazer writes:

" I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal with

a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a friend

whose mother suffers from BPD.

Medium chill:

When they lash out - show no anger

When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability to

generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited Contact.

They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already for a very

long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also introduced me

to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a little while and

practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more that taps into the

psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit late here and I'm

more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly eloquent as I type this

tonight....

It's about more than just boundaries.

To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

(1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

(2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

(attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot

buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs

are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're sensitive

about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are

upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?

Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the

emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting with

her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

.... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

~ Stargazer "

*****

So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that nada

can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

-Annie