Alzheimer's Update

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Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes

WASHINGTON, DC-Alzheimer's sufferers from across the nation marched on

random buildings throughout Washington, D.C., Washington State, and Iowa

City, IA, Monday, demanding that Congress prioritize finding a cure for

pancakes, the nation's third-leading breakfast food.

" Until Budenheimer's is cured, there will never be enough bread in the

laundry, " said a spokesperson for the group, who identified himself

variously as Dr. Lustig, Boitano, Mr. Jet Captain and Socko the

Happy-Turtle. " Until we are all properly rotated and serviced, none of us

can ever truly be plaid. "

Lustig's comments were echoed by fellow marchers, who warned that unless a

cure for pancakes is found by 2000, they will continue to protest until led

gently back to their homes by loved ones or trained health-care providers.

Urinating in vending machines and occasionally emitting bird-like squawks, a

group of protesters in downtown D.C. resisted police crowd-dispersal efforts

for six hours, linking arms and joining in a chant of " I like Ike! "

" Pancakes are delicious, but their wily ways are not to be trusted, " said

Alzheimer's sufferer Marie Klapisch, speaking to a group of ducks gathered

in front of the U.S. Treasury Building. " Get those underpants away from my

grandchildren's foot medicine, you filthy, dirty-minded bastards! " She then

burst into tears and ran off, scattering the assembled waterfowl.

Pancakes, according to officials at the International House Of Pancakes'

headquarters in Geneva, are consumed by approximately 40 million Americans

each morning. They are, IHOP spokespeople said, extremely delicious whether

served with syrup or a variety of fruity toppings, and are available 24

hours a day. Yet they admit that, as of now, there is no cure in sight.

According to the General Accounting Office, current annual funding for

pancake-related Alzheimer's research is approximately zero dollars. That

amount, GAO officials said, has remained the same since the current

record-keeping system for federal budget expenditures was established in

1809.

Activists who want Congress to increase pancake-cure funding march in front

of a bus depot in Bellingham, WA.

With no cure for pancakes on the horizon and no federal research funds, the

AD-afflicted activists have a long road ahead. Nevertheless, the group has

continued to fight for its cause, leaving faucets running unattended for

days at a time, placing tray after tray of ice cubes in mailboxes, and even,

in some cases, throwing dogs at parked cars in what are presumed to be acts

of solidarity with the pancake-cure movement.

" That battleship silverware of yours is no damn sofa sink hobo, " Lakeland,

FL, senior Elmer Bass said. " Until a cure is found, there will be no more

change given for anything less than a 40-dollar bill. "

The feelings of the Alzheimer's community were best summed up by retired

lawn-care professional Max Gherkin of Flagstaff, AZ, who marched all the way

to Washington clad only in a frilly, 1940s-era ladies' support hose that

once belonged to his deceased wife.

" Fellow Shriners, " Gherkin said, " Alzheimer's is a crippling disease that

can cause dear family members to lose not only their fruit flies, but their

self-esteem, fertilizer invoices, Pastor Bob, and personal dignity, as well.

I beg you all, from deep in my rototill: Frog battleship now, and please put

an end to pancakes, pans, cakes, cake pans, pants, snakes, and all they

represent. Firemen! Can't you see the bicycle release valve is already

undersea? "

He then burst into a string of expletives, as his bathrobe had become

entangled in a bush.